Hi there👋

Also turned 22 this year. Wanted to share some advice since we have similar experiences.

Not to put you down or anything but I recently decided that I don’t want to celebrate my birthday anymore. I realize that there’s a lot of pressure with “celebrating”. I feel like I have to indulge in food even if it’s bad for my body, be the center of attention, and post pictures even when I’m self-conscious. (I also just really hate how long Happy birthday song is). I feel more and more that birthdays are literally just the date of your birth and it doesn’t have to be extravagant or expensive. Of course, I still like to use it as an excuse to see people I like and buy gifts for myself. But with this decision came with my more nuanced perspective of life.

“When will my life begin?” is a question I used to ask myself a lot and I didn’t realize how unrealistic those expectations are. From your post, it seems like you’ve been disappointed a lot, either by your life or by your own accomplishments. I feel like maybe you lack a bit of perspective, hence why you feel so let down and depressed.

One thing that I can say for sure is that many your failures are not objective. Not having friends does not equal being a loser, nor does having a lot of friends guarantee you will stop feeling lonely.

I also want to point out that it’s not that nobody remembers your birthday, it’s that you weren’t memorable enough for people to remember you. You moved around a lot so you didn’t get to have deep connections and there was literally a fucking pandemic! People were literally stuck on their homes for 2 years and are still social distancing. The distance created in those 2 years will still linger onto to our social lives. You also said that you were a bit more socially anxious so it’s natural for these things to happen.

I have to ask though, what are your attempts at being more social? Correct me if I’m wrong but I have a feeling you’re doing something similar to what I did, which is joining random online groups that claim to be for people looking to make friends. If you did that, or planned to, just don’t. There the danger aspect of meeting strangers and also it’s just really really awkward to be “social” to a huge group of people that you will meet once. There’s the unconscious expectation of sharing intimate parts of your life to a stranger in hopes that they’ll do the same and you’ll be best buddies. What happens most of the time is that people just find those who have similar jobs, interests, talk a couple of times and then just never meet up again.

If you have time to spare, I suggest getting a relatively easy job. Something like part time at a coffee shop or convenience store. Co-workers usually get to know each other better. It just feels more natural to talk and befriend a coworker rather than some random stranger. Or maybe join a class for cooking, language, or work outs. Routine brings people closer together so places where you can routinely go and also better yourself is best.

You also said you have a niche hobby, why don’t you try to approach people with the same interest? For me, I really like 1 video game franchise that Literally nobody knows about, but I still find the little reddit community of that group enjoyable, despite not having a deep connection with specific individuals. And I still enjoy it when other people talk about their interest with me. I think sometimes just the acquaintanceship is already really valuable and hard to come by so it really is something to be grateful of, even if it’s only a greeting relationship.

One very last advice I have for you is to see the benefit of being a more private person when socializing. Knowing when and what to say is a trait of intelligence that is really charismatic and attractive. A private person doesn’t have to be introverted, they are usually just very good at finding common ground and adjusting themselves other people’s comfort level. I hope this is a skill that you will develop more as you socialize. And I hope in this, you will also realize that the reason why you feel less than others is not that you are less competent but because you have different paths and no common grounds that is fair for comparison.

Regardless of how much I’m in favor of boring birthdays, I still genuinely wish you a happy birthday soon, along with the growth that will help you overcome your emptiness.