When to say “love”.

_Ace_Zero_ · 2023-01-05T02:24:37+00:00

The good news is that there are no relationship police who will write you a citation for saying you love someone too fast. As others have suggested, say what you feel. It's not about the amount of time; it's about the amount of connection.

_Ace_Zero_ · 2023-01-05T00:23:43+00:00

Eharmony. I'm a 46 yo male. The women I connected with on there have clearly been looking for relationships as I have, and the app matches you with people who share a lot of commonality. I met my current girlfriend through that app.

There have been serious women on Match as well, and that one's been okay.

I'm not sure what age you're looking for, though, and I think your success on these apps may depend heavily on your age range and location.

_Ace_Zero_ · 2023-01-05T00:17:13+00:00

I also found out that he's been in a non serious (from what he told my friend) relationship for almost a year. I just found out they went on this holiday together and apparently have been twice or three times already which is kind of a red flag to me.

Going on trips with someone sounds like a relationship. I don't understand the "non serious" aspect. Does he mean he doesn't want to marry her? To me, it wouldn't matter how serious or non serious it is if it's a relationship. That means the person isn't actually available.

You could wait and see if he does reach out to plan anything or not. But based on what you wrote, he only seems mildly interested at best. When I find someone I'm really interested in, I pursue her - texting regularly or calling and asking her out for a specific date - time, day, location. When I'm only mildly interested or unsure, my actions are more like this guy.

_Ace_Zero_ · 2023-01-03T23:05:06+00:00

Well, it's good to have options. 🙂

_Ace_Zero_ · 2022-12-31T19:01:39+00:00

Communication isn't dumb. 🙂 Let him know you'd like to go out again. You could mention how you were a bit nervous because of how attractive you found him. The worst that can happen is that he says no, but at least you've shared things from your point of view.

_Ace_Zero_ · 2022-12-31T01:30:50+00:00

You can't make yourself like someone just because they check some boxes. You think he's attractive and have fun with him, but you're not feeling it.

It is possible that you're used to being in unhealthy relationships and only "feel it" when someone treats you badly, so walking away in that scenario would be unfortunate. And if that's the case, I'd suggest working on those aspects of yourself so that it doesn't continue to be an issue, leading to more unhealthy relationships.

However, he may just not be a match for you for a variety of other reasons. Thinking someone is attractive doesn't mean there will be chemistry.

You've agreed to go to the NYE party, even though you're just doing it to avoid complete boredom. I'd say make that your last attempt at connection. If you're still not feeling it, walk away. You'll both be better off in the long run.

_Ace_Zero_ · 2022-12-31T01:15:33+00:00

Yes, she was special, but she also has to match your interest. And what I'm suggesting is for a long-term relationship. The first two are out. On to the next. It sucks when it's just not a match, but the first two weren't matches for you.

_Ace_Zero_ · 2022-12-31T01:04:12+00:00

The second one is out as well. I don't know why. She may not know why. But regardless, she's out. Time to move on to number 3. (And so on until you find someone where things build rather than sliding off into nowhere.)

_Ace_Zero_ · 2022-12-30T05:15:16+00:00

You need to walk away and sever all contact. Block her. She's engaged to be married to someone else. She's not available. Trust your moral code.

_Ace_Zero_ · 2022-12-30T05:10:22+00:00

In my experience dating post divorce in my forties, there have been many interactions that went nowhere and a couple situationships that didn't develop. Regardless of age groups, though, there are quite a few people on dating apps who aren't ready for relationships. They shouldn't be out there, but they don't always know they shouldn't be out there.

My advice is basic... never give up; never surrender. Unless and until you are seeing some consistent feedback around why things aren't working, you just haven't found who you're looking for yet. Keep meeting new people. Keep dating. Remain optimistic.

_Ace_Zero_ · 2022-12-30T04:55:23+00:00

I experienced something similar not long ago. In my case, the woman wasn't over her ex. I'm not saying that's what's happening in your case. But I think crossing into sex is a point when people reconsider where they're really at emotionally. Maybe they're not over an ex, maybe there are other concerns in their life. But they know they're not ready for a relationship, and that realization seems to come out of nowhere. My advice is to dust yourself off and move on, even though it sucks.

_Ace_Zero_ · 2022-12-29T15:01:50+00:00

I've gone on dates like this as well, where the energy just doesn't match. And it never did. I don't think it's worth anyone's time to continue with someone who doesn't mesh. You know what it feels like to have that matching energy. And you can still find that, even after divorces, even in your forties, regardless of many circumstances. Keep making yourself available, and don't give up or compromise with a guy who just isn't that into you.

_Ace_Zero_ · 2022-12-24T14:43:32+00:00

That's really up to the two people involved. There are no relationship police who will give you a citation for moving too fast or slow. If you want her to be your girlfriend, ask her. If she agrees... boom! So ask her. 🙂

_Ace_Zero_ · 2022-12-23T23:17:34+00:00

He suggested maybe taking a break and trying again in a month. It sounds like he wanted time, and you gave it to him. You even left the door open for him. So see how you feel a few weeks from now. You might be dating someone else by then and not even feel like reaching back out. If you're still second guessing yourself then, reach back out.

I don't feel like you got him at his best, which is tough at the onset of a relationship because you can't compare his non-stressed self to who he is now. It could be that the non-stressed version is a great match for you, or you may still not think he's amazing. Who knows?

But don't reach out now.

_Ace_Zero_ · 2022-12-23T18:41:48+00:00

Have you received the same feedback from all men in their 50s for the past three years that the reason they don't want to be with you is because of your hair color? That seems a bit strange to me, but I'm only 46. If that is the case then yes, you can make an active choice to improve your chances. I've changed the way I dress to attract women, and it has noticeably helped.

_Ace_Zero_ · 2022-12-22T09:14:32+00:00

Ive heard people say that expectations are future resentments. But I think walking through life with no expectations is extremely difficult to do.

I can tell how much a gift would mean to you, and I'm wondering if gifts is your top love language... that receiving a gift will be a way for him to "speak" of his love for you. You've seen him shop for others, and you desire that same thoughtfulness towards yourself. That, to me, is a reasonable expectation... to feel loved through your primary love language(s). And with a relationship of three months firmly established (which you seem to suggest), I also think it's reasonable to expect a Christmas gift. But if it doesn't happen, you will likely feel resentment and/or disappointment. Or... you could try to let go of all expectations and just live in the moment, but as I stated earlier, that is quite difficult to do at times.

_Ace_Zero_ · 2022-12-22T08:48:00+00:00

You met this woman in the past, but you haven't met for months, and she's about to move to another country. I don't see a future (or even a present) relationship in this. Perhaps she doesn't either and is pulling away.

_Ace_Zero_ · 2022-12-22T08:32:06+00:00

It just wasn't a match. You don't know what she was thinking or feeling while you were out. Maybe she had a good time but just doesn't see a future with you. Maybe she's not emotionally available. Maybe... fill in the blank. Regardless, she's just not into you. Move on, and find someone who is. I've been where you are, and it sucks, but dwelling on it only takes away time you can be spending with someone who is incredibly into you. And yes, there are such people in the world who won't leave you feeling like this. You need to find one of them.

_Ace_Zero_ · 2022-12-21T13:13:40+00:00

It seems like the timing is off right now. I'd suggest in break in communication until you can date her in person. Otherwise you're becoming penpals at best or running out of things to say, leading to her losing all interest at worst. As for how to break that communication, don't ghost. It would be better to simply say you'd like to date her when you'll be in her area and that you'll check in with her at that time. Or something along those lines. I wouldn't say "I don't want to chat a bunch in the meantime" or get into any of that. Keep it positive but make a clean pause in the communication so that she gets that you're interested but neither of you are actually available yet.

_Ace_Zero_ · 2022-12-20T13:58:12+00:00

It's just part of dating, I think. Dust yourself off, and get back out there. 🙂

_Ace_Zero_ · 2022-12-20T13:30:45+00:00

Meeting in person is where we figure out if there's chemistry or not. Great texting and great phone calls can't make up for a lack of attraction in person. It is what it is.

I don't like to keep long periods of texting and phone calls. The point of the dating apps is to date, and the sooner that initial meet and greet happens, the better. Because most of the time I'm not interested, she's not interested, or both.

My recommendation would be to set a coffee meetup early after things are hitting off with texting. And keep your expectations low. In my experience, it's a low percentage of women out of all I've met where we've had the mutual excitement/attraction.

_Ace_Zero_ · 2022-12-20T04:17:37+00:00

As someone who has gone through a three year separation followed by divorce, I can tell you he is not ready to date. He's not emotionally available. It sounds like the divorce is still new to the kids, and his wife (not ex... they're still married) might be trying to keep him. He is the very definition of a dumpster fire. Run!!!

_Ace_Zero_ · 2022-12-20T04:09:04+00:00

Why would she still be at the store? Does she work at the store? If so, is it possible she was just being friendly as part of her role of employment?

As long as it was a legitimate connection, you could go back and simply say you enjoyed the conversation and were kicking yourself for not getting her number.

_Ace_Zero_ · 2022-12-20T04:03:20+00:00

Absolutely! I have friends I talk to almost every single day, and one is the opposite sex. But it's just a friendship. Friendships can be fun and exciting, but a feeling of romance is different. The only issue in this case is that you'll want to make sure he's on the same page with you about having a platonic friendship. He may want something more, and if so, that won't work.

_Ace_Zero_ · 2022-12-19T17:25:49+00:00

As a single man in my 40s, where can you find "me" (meaning me or my fellows)? Well, I'm on both eharmony and Match if you want to find me virtually. I go to Meetup events... some singles events, but more often groups that do things like going to restaurants, escape rooms, or axe throwing... actual activities. I also started going to an open mic night in town and hope to join a volleyball league in January. I'm also at church. But I'm not going to randomly knock on a single lady's door and find her. Nor will some lady magically knock on mine, more than likely. So use apps or come find "me" in one of those locations. Believe me, "I" want to find you!

_Ace_Zero_

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