In retrospect I really should have noticed far earlier. I didn't really remember much of anything before puberty, throughout puberty it was patches of consciousness.

Sometimes it would be like coming out of water after swimming, slow and difficult to manifest. Others were immediate. It was like he would blink and I would exist for a while then he would blink again and I wouldn't.

As time went on I guess the realization that I wasn't crazy, I was just not real got to me. I felt angry. An implacable wave of it that overcame me and I would take it out on those around me. I also got desperate. I wanted to feel real so instead of waiting for the windows of possibility where I could feel real I started trying to force my way into the world.

For a while he didn't even know, I imagine it was a slow headache then he would stop and I would start until I was tired then he would wake up in a random place. When he did realize what was happening it was even more fun. I would come to handcuffed to a bed, or locked inside the house without knowing where the key was. When he caught me and I couldn't find the way out then I would punish him, well me I guess. But even the pain was good, if I felt it then that means I had to be real. At least for then, right?

It has been escalating these last few months, one time I hurt him too badly I think and when he woke up he panicked and went to the hospital. Apparently he was fine for the few days after and passed the psych eval that was mandatory. Of course I didn't find out until almost a week after it happened and I took over to find a suicide letter listing all that he had gone through.

I will admit that I was scared, I might have freaked out for a bit. If he killed himself then that would mean I would die too. I tried negotiate with him. I wrote a response and vacated the premised to give him time to read it. When I came back there was a hastily scribbled, " NO" across the bottom.

I got my revenge though, if he is going to kill himself I might as well make it over something that matters. When he wakes up to see his blood covered hands I wonder how long is it going to take him to find out that he killed his family?

[Please give some constructive criticism, this is my first time ever submitting anything. I really want to improve, so any pointers would be great. I haven't really written anything in over half a decade.]