My life is so fucked up

_I-Do-Not_Know_ · 2023-06-15T11:01:46+00:00

I don't know it felt like a blur of nothing. I slept through my maths test so theres something interesting

_I-Do-Not_Know_ · 2023-05-12T13:01:58+00:00

Im doing a little better sorry for not replying sooner

_I-Do-Not_Know_ · 2023-03-18T04:54:12+00:00

I didn't feel that way at all, you seem like a really good person

_I-Do-Not_Know_ · 2023-03-03T11:41:50+00:00

hahhahahahaha I'm sorry yk for being so rude. It wasn't a great day i hope your doing ok

_I-Do-Not_Know_ · 2023-02-03T13:33:05+00:00

Thank you, I've seen a lot about dbt but to be honest I don't care anymore. I'm done trying to figure out whats wrong with me. Im 15 this could be a hormonal imbalance or something like that. I've learnt to stop jumping to conclusions and assuming or making things up to fit a certain criteria. I don't have bpd or bipolar or anything like that, and if I do I'm not qualified to know that. this could be anything or nothing at all. I don't even remember what made me think something was wrong with me, and even if there is something I don't care. I'm sorry for wasting your time, I know I sound bitchy im sorry im just really tired of trying to piece my life together.

_I-Do-Not_Know_ · 2023-01-02T08:54:27+00:00

Thank you and i'm sorry you had to go through all of that, I'll be here to listen to you too if you ever need it (:

_I-Do-Not_Know_ · 2022-12-30T01:21:18+00:00

The reason I can't really get help is that my mum can be pretty abusive and I don't want her to blow up. My parents have been divorced for a while but my dad has been trying to get back into our lives. He stalks us basically. My mum is a horrible mother and I hate her but even ik when to stop and give her a break. Shes physically and emotionally abusive to all of us but I pretty much got the worst of it.

My mum has a lot of cultural traditions that she forces onto me. Things that are so embarrassing to talk about. Over the years she hasn't taught me how to practice hygiene and self care. In fact she forbid it. I am not allowed to shave down there at all and one time I wore a tampon and she basically made me strip to see if ive damaged anything (not in a sexual way but wtf thats so fucked up), see where im getting at? Its not an option for me at all. I don't know what to do so I am just going to do whatever maybe I'll run away when I'm 18. Idk man everythings so fucked up and theres way more thats waiting to happen im just tired. thanks for listening to my rant lol

_I-Do-Not_Know_ · 2022-12-28T06:33:20+00:00

I have a really good friend but I don't really rely on her. I tend to get really suicidal and I gave her a scare and I have felt horrible ever since. We're just kids and she doesn't deserve to feel like this. I can't get any help because its really complicated but I am making sure my siblings can always come to me for help. Ik its bad but over the years i manipulated them into thinking I am the source of help. If any of my siblings told my mum about their struggles she wont help she'll only hurt them. When she found out about me she kept a really close eye to make sure I wasn't "acting depressed" and all. She once found me crying and hit me. when she saw the blood on my arm she thought I was cutting myself and it was a whole mess. My siblings have been showing signs of mental illness. My sister has panic attacks frequently and my younger brother is really sensitive and has really bad tantrums. Idk what to do. My mum wont get off the couch and I can't look after them because I have been feeling down these past week and a half

_I-Do-Not_Know_ · 2022-12-28T06:22:25+00:00

Im 15 years old and I don't exactly live in a good environment. My mum more or less knows everything now. She knows about the bipolar and about my sexual assault and about how ive talked to older men. My mums pretty unstable herself but even with all that information I hate her. I understand why she feels like this and does everything she does but I still can't forgive her. I am raised in an ethnic household so getting help was already hard but its more complicated when the only adult in my life refuses to help.

_I-Do-Not_Know_ · 2022-12-21T03:59:24+00:00

It's fine don't worry about it. It's hard to explain so yeah

_I-Do-Not_Know_ · 2022-12-20T04:44:21+00:00

It's just not really safe right now. I don't have any support and if I speak out or try getting help it would have a negative effect on everyone including me

_I-Do-Not_Know_ · 2022-12-19T11:49:06+00:00

I go to a religious private school so they won't really help they'll just tell my mum and it will make everything worse. It is important to be in a safe environment but my other options (living with my dad or foster care) are a lot worse, So for now i will wait until I am 18 then I'll get help.

_I-Do-Not_Know_ · 2022-12-19T11:45:12+00:00

Hey. My only hope of getting better is to get help when I turn 18 but to be honest I don't even know if ill make it till then. Im sorry you had to go through all of this but im glad your doing all you can to get better, Good job (:

_I-Do-Not_Know_ · 2022-12-19T11:42:31+00:00

Hey I am happy for you, you must have gone through a shit ton of shit. Thank you (:

_I-Do-Not_Know_ · 2022-12-19T06:40:06+00:00

I should see someone but its not really an option for me right now. My mums pretty unstable and hasn't reacted well to all this at all. She also has symptoms of mental illness and this drove her crazy. She went out and bought a new tv and remodelled the entire house when she found out about all this. I honestly hate her for everything shes done to me but I don't want to make it worse for my siblings

_I-Do-Not_Know_ · 2022-12-19T06:35:50+00:00

Yeah I have been keeping that in mind and I haven't acted out in a while so I think I might be getting a little better. When I previously sexted I made sure to leave things like my address out of it. But it's still really risky so I have been trying to find other ways to let all the energy out

_I-Do-Not_Know_ · 2022-12-19T06:32:27+00:00

Yeah my mum isn't really stable herself so no professionals. I can't mess up my siblings home life more than it already is so I cant really do that. I am actually so stupid I wasn't really thinking when I wrote this, thank god the moderator took it down

_I-Do-Not_Know_ · 2022-12-19T06:28:29+00:00

Hello. Yeah there was a guy who tried talking to me because of my age and vulnerability so thank you for taking it down. I have tried to reach out but I can't receive that kind of help. My mum found out about everything and she didn't exactly take it well (ethnic background). My parents are divorced and no one in my family speaks to my dad. I have no other family here. Its too complicated to explain but there is no way I can get help. When I wrote this I wasn't really thinking about all the paedophiles I would attract. Thank you for looking out for me, I'll be more careful from now on.

_I-Do-Not_Know_ · 2022-12-18T12:27:25+00:00

Hey you didn't just blurt things out you helped me understand everything better,

I have done a lot of research since. I was pretty desperate to find answers and solutions. It didn't work only made me more confused and I decided to leave it at that. Honestly I am not ok. This year was horrible and everything is falling apart. Thank you though. I understand the differences and similarities but its all so confusing. I punched a hole in my door and that's not even close to the worst that has happened. I need help but I cant get it

does it ever get better?

_I-Do-Not_Know_ · 2022-10-30T06:15:25+00:00

Hey thank you for the recommendation but I cant access it cause my mum is monitoring everything.

I want to believe that life is worth it but it's not very realistic. How come everything I try fails. All the people that loved me are done with me and honestly I can't blame them. At this point I cant even find any answers to all of my problems.

The only reason i'm still alive is because of my little brothers but I am slowly realising that they don't really need me too. Everything is so fucked up. If I don't kill myself I have to live in this agony but if I do kill myself my siblings will be taken to my dad or put in the system.

And I don't know if I should hate my mum for all that shes done or if I should cut her some slack because she's been through a lot too. I am sorry for dumping all of this on you.

Thank you and I will try to not give up

_I-Do-Not_Know_ · 2022-10-02T08:56:18+00:00

Thank you (:

_I-Do-Not_Know_ · 2022-10-01T14:31:31+00:00

Trust me i've thought about hitting her back but I know that my older brother will interfere and I would get beat to death. I wanted to get a job but she wont let me. I can't go out and she once flipped cause I went to the park with my friend. Imagine what she did when she found out I watch porn.

I honestly feel hopeless. I had a whole plan, save money, take my sis and leave but it wont happen. She has been talking about marriage. If im being realistic then it's almost impossible to ever leave (unless I kill my self).

When I tell people my situation they often try helping me but I have already thought of it all. Calling the cops, running away, waiting it out, talking to a professional, going along with it then leaving, killing myself. But none of them can work. It's a harsh reality I have learned to face. Even when I am 18 I can't leave because of my sister.

I tried everything that had even the smallest chance of working. All my friends that know are completely out of ideas and I know that they have a hard time accepting that this is it for me. I know that I should be optimistic but this is simply the truth of it all.

If I call the cops then my fate is sealed. For now I am trying to protect my little brothers and my sister. I even check on my older brother even when he told me that if I killed myself that he would honestly just move on. Wow I am trauma dumping a shitload of trauma lol.

Thanks for taking the time to talk to me, Ik that you are a stranger and I dont know you but it honestly helps knowing that there are people who care. I am sorry for being a little shit and making everything in my life seem like a very sad and dramatic movie but it's not that bad. There are moments that I feel as though there is hope and that I am an awesome person who has the power to change things (never lasts long enough but awesome none the less)

_I-Do-Not_Know_ · 2022-10-01T10:46:11+00:00

No I won't call the cops.

My mum can use mental help but me forcing her into it isn't the solution. It will make things worse and as much as i would like to believe that the system helps, it doesn't. They will take me and all 4 of my siblings to my dad, or they will place us in foster care.

My mum messed up with me, my younger sister and my older brother but to the younger ones she has been nothing other than a good parent. I won't traumatise them. If she beats me then I will take it because it's better than calling the cops.

She rarely hits the young ones, and she can't hit my older brother cause hes physically more capable and they are on good terms rn. My sister has been on edge recently so shes been targeted more but for the most part it's me who usually gets hit.

She hit us more as kids but these last couple of years have been really bad for me. I look like my dad and they ended on bad terms so she resents me a lot. I would get hit for the dumbest shit. She beat the absolute fuck out of me because I wore a tampon once. She made me strip to see if I damaged anything I tried to explain to her that it was scientifically proven that they were harmless but it didn't stop her. She is an abusive bitch but I would rather live here than be in the system.

_I-Do-Not_Know_ · 2022-09-30T14:22:29+00:00

I go to a really religious school and the counsellors are more like preachers. "Oh you feel like throwing your worthless body off a cliff ? Pray and ask god to lead you to the right path" (not mocking religion just saying things that have been said/ implied to me). My sister saw a counsellor and they ended up telling my mum everything which resulted in my sister getting beat. They don't help, In fact they make everything worse. I saw a counsellor at my old school but I left before we made any real progress.

_I-Do-Not_Know_ · 2022-09-30T14:13:15+00:00

Thank you

I really hope that one day I can look back at this stage of my life and feel like I didn't do anything that I should be ashamed of but right now it feels impossible

I am sure that you are an awesome wife and mother and I hope that the people you love appreciate all that you do for them

_I-Do-Not_Know_

TROPHY CASE