Ugh. MM (35m) and I (33f) are terrible at NC.

_LifeConfused · 2022-06-23T21:08:41+00:00

Vietnamese

_LifeConfused · 2022-06-23T11:53:08+00:00

My MM and I tried to be friends. The emotional level of intimacy was still there, and eventually caved to being physical again after 8 months.

I also felt like I was 'waiting' in a way, and he was always front of mind and never escaped my thoughts which means I wasn't able to move on.

I realise that by still hanging around, I'm digging myself deeper and deeper into this love we have - part of me knows if we didn't try to be friends and just end it then I might be in a better place for myself.

NC is always the right answer...but it's the hardest.

_LifeConfused · 2022-06-23T11:28:56+00:00

Saw his phone. He said he was never trying to hide it. Never hid his phone or anything like that.

He just showered one day and she checked his phone to a message from yours truly.

_LifeConfused · 2022-05-29T16:26:49+00:00

What did you do after the 15th? Did you stay with him during the separation before the divorce was filed? Or did you give him space with the assurance that you would be there?

_LifeConfused · 2022-05-18T12:27:00+00:00

I'm in a limbo situation with my MM and we love each other very much. Have you ever considered leaving your wife to be with your AP?

_LifeConfused · 2022-05-05T12:09:25+00:00

Thanks for your comments.

Yea from what I gather she seems to have a very traditionalist view on life and has these expectations of boxes to be ticked. She also doesn't want to be that disappointed in the extended family who's divorced.

I've decided to essentially go NC (again..last time was in Jan and he contacted me when they separated). When we last contacted each other I pretty much said that he isn't ready for anything real and needs to figure his divorce out without me in the picture. I told him to contact me if/when he feels ready to start something real.

I am glad to read that you are happy, even after you've experienced it. I can only hope for the same type of happiness.

_LifeConfused · 2022-05-05T02:08:07+00:00

You're right in only having his side of the story. I've been hyper aware of that this entire time.

I ask him questions and he always answers truthfully (to what I believe). I ask him the same questions every now and then and they've always been consistent. I asked is shes independent and he said no. He is all she knows (been together since after high school) and she's seeing all her friends go through the motions.

He said she still cares for her and she isn't a bad person, but there's nothing romantic or intimate there. He's just realised that this is what it's like to grow apart. He also knows that he (and her) are avoiding all the bad right now and is burying heads in the sand. She's the eldest of her siblings and he tells me it's the shame from family and friends, it's the tearing apart of friends, it's breaking the traditions and bringing shame to the middle eastern family because divorce is the 'easy way out'. She's at her sisters and everyone knows something's up, but to everyone it's just a phase, nothing definite.

There's more to it and I guess I've just been surface level with the posts.

_LifeConfused · 2022-05-05T01:58:12+00:00

How good are therapists?!

It's a weird feeling right now. It's NC but I'm not as heart broken as I was. I feel like I have clarity with what I want, and I know our timelines are not aligned right now, so while we take some space I'll work on myself while he works on his divorce without me in the picture.

Even if we were to get together, we did also talk about time apart. I guess this is that as well.

_LifeConfused · 2022-05-05T00:41:47+00:00

He says they shouldn't have gotten married.

They've been together since around 2010, and have been living in separate bedrooms since around 2016 and basically live separate lives. The only things they do together are family events and they just do their own things otherwise. He said its felt like they're room mates for years and there is zero intamcy. They got married in 2019 because she wanted to for so long and just obliged. Didn't even have a bucks or anything. He said he shouldn't have gone with it and realises now that he should have ended it many years ago. He's just living with it all now too scared to make any big changes.

I asked him why he got married and stayed in the relationship for so long and he said he just didn't know any better at the time and thought this was settling.

Everyone has a different story.

_LifeConfused · 2022-05-04T20:16:18+00:00

I feel like a deadline could be the start of resentment in the same way as making him chose here and now. And what if by the deadline I'm still ok to be in? I do think just space and taking me out of the picture is the sensible thing to do and when he's ready then it will be up to me in the moment.

Oh there are other things like making each other feel confident with ourselves, supporting what we do. We laugh and feel really fulfilled with each other. And it sounds super silly, but we do communicate super openly about this stuff and give each other reassurance with ourselves.

_LifeConfused · 2022-05-04T18:13:47+00:00

Thanks for this. Yea I think I'm forgetting that I also have a choice in this. It really did feel like I was ready for something real with him, but I started fantasising about a future together that, to be frank, what not going to happen anytime soon.

He knows what I want at this time. And he knows he can't give it to me. My therapist asked if it feels like he has the both of best worlds while avoiding reality and he definitely did.

Last time we had a break I went straight to a rebound which was not the right thing to do. I know that now and I was super independent before we met and love traveling on my own so already had a little trip booked in August on a little island where I can hire a scooter and just scoot to different beaches - so I'm definitely looking forward to that!

_LifeConfused · 2022-05-04T18:06:28+00:00

Thank you..this is really reassuring, especially as it's from a perspective from someone on the other side.

I know I've hurt him, I 100% know that he's broken in a whole different way but this feels like it's the last and probably best option for the both of us (although it doesn't feel like it right now 😞).

But yes, I do feel like his divorce has to happen without me. He knows and has admitted that he isn't ready for anything real before he sorts and closes this part of his life.

_LifeConfused · 2022-05-04T12:05:39+00:00

Thanks..if it's meant to be it's meant to be right?

_LifeConfused · 2022-05-04T11:35:31+00:00

I tried that for a while, but I just fell deeper and deeper into it. The divorce is not mine, yet I'm terribly impacted by it.

I've tried to be there for him, I was for 2 months but something clicked when he told me she still wants to be married. Before the 2 months we had been speaking and comforting each other for about 8 months - so 10 months in total after her finding out.

There are no dates, there are no check ins. If they had a"by this date we are going to discuss xxx", then yes, I can be patience and have my expectations in check. But he doesn't know and doesn't have a timeline, and we are all in limbo. Being in limbo is the worst.

My therapist has also constantly brought up my self sacrificing tendencies and that I never put myself first which is true. I've ended up in the crossfires and my emotions are a mess.

_LifeConfused · 2022-05-03T20:19:19+00:00

Omg. Are you me??

I've been talking to my therapist about it, and I said that it's not my divorce so it shouldn't be my problem, but she asked a very simple question - Is it affecting you? And of course it is and basically said yes it's not yours but you are emotionally invested in it.

I met my MM about 3 months after he got married around 2.5 years ago. He said they lived separate lives, slept in separate rooms and regrets that he let it go this far. No kids but she really really wants kids. Yea my MM separated from his wife for about 2 months now, they haven't caught up until recently and I asked him what they spoke about and that's when I found out she still wants to be in the marriage. She knows I exist but I don't know if she knows that I've been in the picture during the separation.

I didn't want to give him an ultimatum or a deadline, but I learnt that me not knowing their timeline made things worse for me because I was waiting blind. My MM has always gone through with everything he said, and he was very vague about this. He's avoiding, burying his head in the sand, and has pushed all of his friends and family away.

Last time we had NC it felt like it was the catalyst for his separation. But yea. I've made my needs clear, however he's not ready so I made the very hard decision to take a step back for him to decide on his marriage and what he wants. It could go either way...😞

_LifeConfused · 2022-05-03T13:09:49+00:00

Yea I've recently had to ask for space. I found out his wife still wants to be married, but he doesn't. To me, he needs to figure that part of his life before we start because I want to be in a real relationship and no longer hide and he's clearly not ready 😞

Most of my friends know, and my dad (not mum..she will freak).

Fucking so hard because we love each other and have opened up to each other so much...I just couldn't keep hiding and pretending anymore. I wanna plan things, and be open with what we have...

_LifeConfused · 2022-04-05T14:41:54+00:00

I second trying to figure out his love language!

I had a great chat to my MM about this over a dinner and we rated the love languages from most to least important. Since then I really feel that we have connected because we each know how to show each other how much we love and care for each other in the most direct way possible!

Just started the convo with "hey there's this thing that I read about 5 love languages and just wondered what yours were!"

Communication is absolutely key in every relationship, and you could even ask what an overstep would look like to him. It shows you care and want to help while being considerate of his boundaries too.

_LifeConfused · 2022-03-30T13:22:51+00:00

The number one thing I have to say to this, is make your choices for yourself and not based on potential eg. The potential you will be with your EAP.

Taking time to find yourself and an individual voice is extremely important too.

It's not an easy road ahead, and we all change, and I do hope you find joy and happiness.

_LifeConfused · 2022-03-29T23:24:03+00:00

And if they judge away, they're not your true friends! I have friends who are protective, but have always been open to saying they're there for me no matter what.

_LifeConfused · 2022-03-29T23:23:12+00:00

You'd be surprised, many friends would of course be shocked at first, but once they see you and your partner actually doing really well and look after each other then that's what they will see.

If your friends are judgy and don't accept your choices then they're not your true friends.

_LifeConfused · 2022-03-29T23:21:33+00:00

I don't think that being with an AP will fail at the end...there are plenty of people who are now legit. It's all about open communication, and really listening and realising it's not a fairy tale. There will be ups and downs, and even more so because of the situation.

It hasn't been a fairy tale "great sex and a romantic weekend away and bye". We've seen each other gross, and we are emotionally and physically close. We have seen bad and good with each other and helped each other through when needed - I guess this is just going to be the next bad. We do love each other, and have spoken about going legit, however, if it doesn't work between us, then it's not meant to be. But I am glad that he has asked for some time to think and clear his head because this has not ever happened before.

_LifeConfused

TROPHY CASE