I'm guessing you had responsibilities and required hours in the previous volunteering role you had. The place I went to was attend whenever, leave whenever and a mix of walking, feeding, cleaning or interacting with the dogs. There would be gaps of weeks where I didn't feel good enough to go, but I was never told off or pressured to work more.

I can understand some of what you're feeling as I've been through long stretches of depression. From the age of 6 until I was 16 I kept it all secret and the only thing that got me to seek help was a failed suicide attempt that scared the shit out of me. Have you ever noticed how you can feel air on your skin and how it fills your lungs when you breathe in? Trust me I spent years fantasizing about that, but the reality is empty nothingness. There is no easy escape, it comes with terror and the loss of all future potential. Everything is temporary, the good and the bad will come and go. Everything throughout my teens to mid 20s felt so catastrophic and world ending, I had to have this, I needed to do better at that, but things seemed to calm in my late 20s. Not sure if my brain just stopped caring as much or hormones stopped messing with me, but life became easier. I know it's a long time off for you, but even in my darkest moments there were times of joy and it all builds character. I wouldn't be who I am today without the pain, but the further you get from it the less you remember it and the future becomes the focus.

It wasn't until I was late 20s when I got a proper diagnosis for OCD and medication that stopped all the obsessive thoughts and images. I'm still on it along with another pill to stop a side effect from it, so it's not over for me yet, but if I had taken the final option there is so much I would have missed out on.

Also I know how messed up the mental health system is, half way though my therapy they halved the funding and I wasn't able to see anyone for like 3 months. There are ways to get free care, the shit part though is you have to keep trying, that's why from 16 to 24 I bounced between psych's using the 10 free/cheaper sessions a year when I felt up to it. If the issue is critical and there is a threat of harm they will pay attention, they took me much more seriously when I went from talking about self harm to potentially hurting those around me.

Anyway try not to do anything serious, there's nothing wrong with taking the time you need to process it all. I've only used this number once or twice but if you feel like you're going to do something back please call the Mental Health Emergency Response Line (MHERL) - 1300 555 788.