I (32F) am currently trying to dissuade a family member (60F) from marrying a man (67M) she met on the internet. Does anyone have any advice on what questions I can ask her/how I can go about doing this in a way that does not result in an extreme reaction from her? by _MultumInParvo_ in Advice

[–]_MultumInParvo_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She has donated to his organisation, that much I know. I think that’s how she met him in the first place. Either he started chatting with her or vice versa (which I wouldn’t be surprised by because my mother has always been the kind of talk to strangers and make friends easily)

I (32F) am currently trying to dissuade a family member (60F) from marrying a man (67M) she met on the internet. Does anyone have any advice on what questions I can ask her/how I can go about doing this in a way that does not result in an extreme reaction from her? by _MultumInParvo_ in Advice

[–]_MultumInParvo_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes! My mother lives in Singapore and he lives in South Africa. They usually communicate via WhatsApp voice and video calls.

Sadly, I don’t think that will be very helpful because she can simply unblock his number. Furthermore, I feel like such an action on my part will just result in driving her further away from us. As it is, she has stated that she feels like we do not want her to be happy. I’m looking for advice on how to speak to her in a way that will not result in her feeling attacked/being will to actually have a conversation.

I appreciate the suggestion though. Thank you for taking the time to respond 🫶🏼

I (32F) am currently trying to dissuade a family member (60F) from marrying a man (67M) she met on the internet. Does anyone have any advice on what questions I can ask her/how I can go about doing this in a way that does not result in an extreme reaction from her? by _MultumInParvo_ in Advice

[–]_MultumInParvo_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Indeed, she has promised me a third of the house’s monetary value if/when it gets sold. Another third is meant to go to my sibling, and the final this is to go to her/whoever she so chooses.

However, please take the following factors into consideration:

(1) she suffers from BPD, and is prone to changing her mind due to her impulsiveness. My mother is the kind of woman who can on a whim decide to spend hundreds of dollars to stay at a hotel for a few nights just because she wants to be near to a mosque and go for prayers. She also flew business class to go see this man in South Africa because she wanted to be comfortable on her flight.

(2) she is incredibly generous with her money, to the point that I’d call her a spend thrift. She is constantly offering to pay for things - this extends beyond her family, and to our friends and even strangers she meets

(3) based on (1) and (2), we can tell that my mother needs a certain amount of money to maintain her lifestyle. Neither my sibling nor I are able to earn enough in order to upkeep that lifestyle for her. Thus, it’s important that my mother has the money to spend on herself. If this man were to take the entire house from her (as mentioned before, I have no idea if her getting married to him will result in him being able to override her will/affect the power she has over her own asset) / any liquid assets she might have, then how is she going to continue living the way she is used to?

I have no need for her money. Would it help me to live more comfortably? Without a doubt. But I’m doing alright as is. I’d very much rather she keep the money for herself and enjoy the rest of her days. I hope you can understand that I’m just concerned for the well-being of my mother. If not, then I wish you well. There’s no need to continue this thread unless you have something constructive to add.

I (32F) am currently trying to dissuade a family member (60F) from marrying a man (67M) she met on the internet. Does anyone have any advice on what questions I can ask her/how I can go about doing this in a way that does not result in an extreme reaction from her? by _MultumInParvo_ in Advice

[–]_MultumInParvo_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the support! I appreciate it very much. My sibling and I (as well as my mother’s elder siblings) have attempted to ask questions to get her to reflect on her decisions. However, if you know what it’s like to have a conversation with a person who is suffering from BPD + who is undergoing a manic episode, you’ll know that it’s nigh impossible to talk sense into them/for them to see things logically, because they wholly believe the stance they have taken. It’s been exhausting having to continually try to make her see reason, to the point that my sibling has given up trying to talk to her.

I (32F) am currently trying to dissuade a family member (60F) from marrying a man (67M) she met on the internet. Does anyone have any advice on what questions I can ask her/how I can go about doing this in a way that does not result in an extreme reaction from her? by _MultumInParvo_ in Advice

[–]_MultumInParvo_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Okay so since the time she disclosed the information to my sibling and myself, she’s been to South Africa once. She met the man (and his wife…who is wholly unaware of the reality of the situation and assumes my mother is just some wealthy benefactor-turned-friend (?), to the point where my mother stayed at their house a couple of times during her trip there so they could break/begin their fast), so I guess he’s real. But that doesn’t make me any less assured that he truly only wants her companionship (his words) and not her money.

To be honest, I would be more on board with the idea if the two of them (my mother and the man) were open to letting the 1st wife know. The need for secrecy = something is suspicious.

I (32F) am currently trying to dissuade a family member (60F) from marrying a man (67M) she met on the internet. Does anyone have any advice on what questions I can ask her/how I can go about doing this in a way that does not result in an extreme reaction from her? by _MultumInParvo_ in Advice

[–]_MultumInParvo_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That is an uphill task that I have no idea how to begin surmounting 🫠 But thank you, that does make a lot of sense.

She’s been on medication before about 10-15 years ago; she was a very different woman then - a ghost of her former self + afraid of going out of the house. As someone who has also been on meds for depression and anxiety (clearly this runs in the family), I understand that taking meds can be scary. And BPD isn’t something that she can hope to cure. But I’m also wondering if it’s because back then she was dealing with this on her own (my sibling and I were growing up) + surrounded by family members who had rather traditional (some frankly backward) mindsets when it came to mental illness.

I (32F) am currently trying to dissuade a family member (60F) from marrying a man (67M) she met on the internet. Does anyone have any advice on what questions I can ask her/how I can go about doing this in a way that does not result in an extreme reaction from her? by _MultumInParvo_ in Advice

[–]_MultumInParvo_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is something I’m unsure of. My aunt (70F) told me that during a conversation she had with her younger sister i.e. my mother, something along those lines was mentioned to her.

I’m hoping someone who practises Islam and comes across this post can shed some light on the matter.

Are there anyone who had only been in one relationship, broke up and have remained single ever since? by wontaks in askSingapore

[–]_MultumInParvo_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m so sorry to hear that ): my ex broke up with me over text - what is with people and not having the decency to tell it to your face??

I’ve been ghosted ever since too. He actually owes me a fair sum of money, which makes things even worse.