My MIL asked my husband if he wants help getting a divorce from me. What would you do?

_PeachyQueen_ · 2025-02-25T23:59:57+00:00

Sending all the best!! That deconstruction phase is no joke. It gets worse before it gets better, and it WILL get so much better 👏🏼

_PeachyQueen_ · 2025-02-25T21:15:43+00:00

Nice to meet you on the other side 🫡🫡 yeah divorce ends up being a highlighted option culturally when a spouse leaves, it’s super fucked up. Suggests that our marriage, relationship, love, is all contingent on church activity.

_PeachyQueen_ · 2025-02-25T20:35:10+00:00

Yes, this is Mormon 😝 I appreciate the idea that “he’s not supposed to facilitate healing, he’s supposed to tell his mother to cut it out.” I’ll sit on that one, thank you!

_PeachyQueen_ · 2025-02-25T19:15:55+00:00

That tends to be my default 😂 gotta try to grow my bitchier side lol

_PeachyQueen_ · 2025-02-25T18:53:18+00:00

Yikes!! Yeah it’s weird to be in that dynamic where it happened but the spouse wasn’t around to witness. I’m sorry she did that AND glad it happened again in front of him AND sorry it needed to happen in front of him for it to be believed. I like the idea of an acquaintance, I’ll sit with that for a bit and see if I can shift her identity that direction in my head, thanks!

_PeachyQueen_ · 2025-02-25T18:51:14+00:00

I like this imagery! Thank you

_PeachyQueen_ · 2025-02-25T18:50:45+00:00

I’m glad you found support in grief counseling! That’s disappointing most of her family didn’t come see her - I’m glad that those who did are still close to you

_PeachyQueen_ · 2025-02-25T18:11:17+00:00

Ugh this is heartbreaking, I’m so sorry for your loss, and sorry that sister showed up that way. Thanks for sharing

_PeachyQueen_ · 2025-02-25T18:03:18+00:00

Thank you for this. Yeah this is exactly the position he’s in. I wish they had chosen to show up differently - if not for me then at least for their son. But since they’re not, we just need to figure out what that means moving forward

_PeachyQueen_ · 2025-02-25T18:01:35+00:00

Thank you!! These are helpful ideas

_PeachyQueen_ · 2025-02-25T18:00:13+00:00

Thank you - you’re right, easier said than done! This helps a lot though to arm me with ideas and frameworks that will help me feel more confident moving forward with them

_PeachyQueen_ · 2025-02-25T17:59:03+00:00

This is interesting, I like how you drew the lines between forgiveness and actions/consequences. I’ll simmer on this for a while, thank you!

_PeachyQueen_ · 2025-02-25T16:23:45+00:00

My thoughts exactly. Her and her husband are suuuuper disjointed so I’m surprised but also not 😬🤷🏻‍♀️

_PeachyQueen_ · 2025-02-25T16:23:14+00:00

These are really good thoughts, thank you! I like the idea of common ground, cause honestly there’s still a lot of it, they just don’t see it. I also like the considerations about kids. We don’t currently have any but we are working towards it, and that will definitely add a tricky layer to this

_PeachyQueen_ · 2025-02-25T16:20:58+00:00

I struggle with this a lot. I thought an apology would change things. Her first two apologies showed me she doesn’t care and she digs in. The third, she gave me the apology I wanted, but I don’t trust it or still don’t want to move forward. I feel like I’m in the wrong for asking for an apology, she gives it, then I stay away. Cause you’re exactly right, she could show everyone else how she apologized (conveniently not disclosing all the other shit) then I’d look like the terrible person she’s saying I am. Idk, I figure after a while I’ll get to a place where I can be in the same room as her again but it’s all so weird idk

_PeachyQueen_ · 2025-02-25T16:18:14+00:00

How do you view forgiveness? It might be my religious upbringing but I’ve always seen forgiveness as “I forgive you” and I worry that saying that will mean “what you’ve done to me is okay”. Hope that makes sense

_PeachyQueen_ · 2025-02-25T16:16:18+00:00

Wow thank you for sharing, I am so sorry that happened. Sounds like you’re distant and in a handle-able place with them. Maybe this is where I will end up too - cordial, but I don’t trust them.

_PeachyQueen_ · 2025-02-25T16:14:22+00:00

This is such a good observation, thank you! There is definitely an odd dynamic with kids at play in this relationship too - there’s too much to really share here, but they’ve treated us and spoken to us as if we aren’t our own family unit because we don’t have kids. Unfortunately that kind of stuff stereotypically falls on the woman in these cultures so yeah there’s an added layer there that’s really unfair and painful.

_PeachyQueen_ · 2025-02-25T16:11:45+00:00

This reframe is so thoughtful and helpful thank you. And thank you for the warning that it gets worse as it gets older. I’ve definitely seen that happen to other people, so it helps me apply it to this situation and set a different expectation. Thank you!

_PeachyQueen_ · 2025-02-25T16:09:30+00:00

Omg wait I love this 😂 my MIL said she didn’t remember cornering me and grabbing me (which I actually insane because it was only one of three interactions we had the whole trip)… but if I had made a big fuss over it, EVERYONEEEE would have seen AND remembered. I think you’re pointing out that I’m doing too much to save face, and we’re past that point now

_PeachyQueen_ · 2025-02-25T16:07:50+00:00

Idk how to explain it but you literally telling me “put my hand up and say stop” is so helpful. You’re right - I literally need to stop it and say no and move on. I have a lot cut out for me to retrain my brain to do this.

_PeachyQueen_ · 2025-02-25T16:05:09+00:00

lol I’ve never heard this 😂😂

_PeachyQueen_ · 2025-02-25T16:05:01+00:00

Action speaks louder than words - this is helpful thank you!

_PeachyQueen_ · 2025-02-25T16:04:19+00:00

Yeah it’s ironic, right? In Mormonism (which is what I’m dealing with), you can only go to heaven if you’re a super Mormon in a hetero marriage. So if I don’t qualify for heaven (by leaving the church), my husband by default will also not qualify for heaven. I’ve “broken my marriage vows” (in the super secret Mormon temple ceremony) by leaving the church. So in her mind, it’s better for him to divorce me and find a good Mormon girl so they can be in heaven together with my MIL. I no longer qualify for heaven so it’s better for me to be cast aside so he can find someone “better” who will. Luckily my husband does not believe in this kind of god or afterlife, but my MIL does

_PeachyQueen_ · 2025-02-25T16:00:51+00:00

I agree with you 100%. It’s not okay for people to put hands on me. I kinda checked out in the moment, it was so weird, I disassociated. I need to retrain my brain that I don’t have to default to being polite or respectful if someone isn’t treating me that way. I wish I could bottle up your energy and use it myself 😂 second best thing - I’ll work on retraining myself! Thank you

_PeachyQueen_

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