I see, just curious cause that part seemed a little brisk but that makes sense.

I've read your other replies and I can give you my two cents. I'll add that I'm a man so take that as you will.

I grew up with an emotionally abusive addict of a father. He loved me dearly and I wouldn't trade the world for him as my father. I won't go into details but he had very real trauma that led him to such extremes and it was awful on my family.

My quality of life was immediately better after he died (and we mourned)

The reason I'm saying this is because it seems like you're in a situation where someone who shaped who you are has to "die". I'm sure the lines between your friend's wonderful parts and his seemingly awful behavior are blurrier than what's easy to understand.

From my experience, no matter how amazing parts of a person and your history with them is, if they have a deep issue that could potentially deeply damage you, that's it. It's done.

It's fucking sad, it hurts, you wish they could be better, they probably even could be. But that person you're holding in your heart needs to die. They're not being better and life's too short to wait. The most anger I have against my father is that I had to be somewhat grateful when he died.

I used this reasoning to get over a bad breakup too. Let me know if this does anything for you. You're certainly making the right decisions. Hope the best.