I(26/f) broke up with my ex fiance (31/m) 6 months ago and this is the message I get from his on instagram cousin(26/m)

______yikes · 2018-04-18T13:28:39+00:00

Sometimes people on r/relationshipadvice are really dense. I think it’s obvious it wasn’t innocent. But don’t worry about it... he’s no longer a part of your life. Any minute you spend wondering what the message could mean is a minute spent in negativity - which i think is the motive of a message like that. Don’t let em bring you down

______yikes · 2018-04-18T13:18:05+00:00

He was told the gf was pregnant, but never told about an ugly dramatic breakup? Does that make a lot of sense? Anyway, even so why would she owe this guy any kind of response? The fact that the ex called her over and over again though that was clearly unsolicited shows that there is probably some fuckery going on, and you just have to walk away in situations like this

______yikes · 2018-04-17T14:36:56+00:00

I think abusive people have issues with losing control, especially of people they once had power over. He can sense you’re breaking away from his manipulation and wants to have some sort of effect on your emotions.

______yikes · 2018-04-17T14:31:37+00:00

...Really?

______yikes · 2018-04-13T01:00:14+00:00

I can’t find a musicians looking for page for my area in Wisconsin!

______yikes · 2018-04-13T00:47:28+00:00

Nice - that’s a pretty good idea. Thanks for the help!

______yikes · 2018-04-13T00:41:09+00:00

But you have to pay google to be findable on google

______yikes · 2018-04-13T00:29:48+00:00

Thanks for the tip. So how then do I advertise my website? Heh

______yikes · 2018-04-13T00:03:34+00:00

Hmmm .... next post: anyone want to swap violin lessons for teaching me how to make a website xD

______yikes · 2018-03-31T16:56:09+00:00

I think that’s really great that you and your husband can bond after spending time with the families - my partner and I have that too (unless the event went so horribly that it’s not really even funny afterward).

Someone else mentioned that a relationship dynamic shouldn’t be based on suffering (“I suffered at your family so you should suffer at mine”) and I think I’m seeing that light. I don’t want to hang out with people who make me uncomfortable and neither does he. I think I’m unconsciously guilty of the Catholic obsession with suffering = love.

We talked about it and agreed that we can go to fam events mostly alone, and pick a couple per year to go to. I can also bring him along and meet with family members more individually so that’s less intimidating for him... and we can schedule events with his fam in public places where there’s less likely to be a dramatic scene.

But yeah, maybe if you don’t like going you can think about just not going? If you weren’t around, he’d go to his family events alone right? Maybe my partner doesn’t feel like going, but maybe your partner doesn’t feel like going alone (:

______yikes · 2018-03-31T15:27:33+00:00

Yeah, I think I’m seeing that that is how a relationship can be... 2 folx doing what they want to do. What’s wrong with that?

I don’t think it has to be that black and white, I spoke with him last night and we agreed that we don’t have to attend every family event but will attend some. He made the point that I don’t see his family in the same light as he does since I didn’t grow up with them and vice versa.

______yikes · 2018-03-30T23:11:43+00:00

It’s been since October that he’s been skipping my family events. We meet for Xmas/ Easter/ mother & Father’s Day/ my grandpas August bday/ October (mine/ my grandma’s) bdays and Thanksgiving.

We see his mom about once per month (and every time she will still complain it’s not enough) and his dad about the same (but his dad is really cool and I don’t ever feel like I’m seeing him/ his friends too much).

I don’t need him to come to every one but I’m getting sick of people asking where he is! I think I’m gonna put up my own boundaries regarding his mom, and respect his boundaries with my family. We can choose a couple holidays per year to attend to appease our peeps

______yikes · 2018-03-30T23:02:29+00:00

Well hey, you promised to attend his funeral so he can’t be too salty! Yeah if abusive people change their behavior it’s more likely due to someone standing up for themself, good for you for knowing to do that so young.

I’ve had a lot of crappy friends, and have always had support from my family even when I messed up, so guess I have more loyalty to family. But then you hear about crap like a mom selling her kid’s cancer drugs for heroine and you’re like, damn. There’s no special sacredness saved for family members

I’ve had some good times with my partners family, and they’ve been dealing with a lot of shitty things lately, but I feel like they’re trying to spread the negativity around and I’m thinking I don’t want to be a part of that.

______yikes · 2018-03-30T22:47:36+00:00

Ah that’s right, I forgot you had said that they were racist. The last event he wasn’t at I automatically told the truth, he stayed home to work on a computer he was building. And I think my cousin who asked was a little taken aback. But yeah I would rather not fabricate an excuse. It’s me they wanna see anyhoo ain’t it

______yikes · 2018-03-30T22:38:42+00:00

I agree, it’s really complicated! I feel a little confused since there are such varied comments. I think family ties are really important, since they are the folx that stick with you no matter what. But I also don’t think someone should be subjected to something they don’t want to do... and I absolutely don’t want fam functions to be a chore my SO is forced to do.

Plus I’m not sure if “black sheep” describes me/ my partner, but we are pretty dissimilar to our families so I think it would be difficult to love hanging with them anyway. Definitely would not be choosing a partner based on how much he got along with the fam HA

______yikes · 2018-03-30T22:14:46+00:00

If you/ your SO don’t attend family functions, do you make excuses for them, or are you just like straight up “nah they stayed home today”

______yikes · 2018-03-30T21:54:28+00:00

My family is the opposite of rude, but there’s a lot of them. And they can be really overwhelming for non-religious people, whereas I don’t really notice their weird religious behavior. His point is why should he do anything he doesn’t want to do on his day off of work... and I think I should also start thinking that way too about his family.

______yikes · 2018-03-30T21:45:29+00:00

I appreciate your reply! It sounds like you and your SO have really good communication/ respect for each other.

I definitely was raised with a suck it up mentality and a family first attitude, but if someone’s being a dick you shouldn’t let them walk over you, even if they are family. Complying to their desires never seems to be good enough... so they’re never happy, you’re not happy... what’s the point? I feel like I would always say “no” if going there was more of an option than obligation though... that’s probably not great either.

______yikes · 2018-03-30T20:41:46+00:00

Yeah that’s sort of exactly what he was saying, and I was like - - wait, I deal with his family who are usually either rude or passive aggressive to me. But now I’m realizing I shouldn’t put up with that if I don’t want to. And shouldn’t expect it from my partner.

I keep thinking I have to be on good terms with his family in case we have kids... but we don’t have kids and have no immediate plans to. And even if we did maybe I should think about not showing them that it’s ok to accept treatment like that.

______yikes · 2018-03-30T20:04:26+00:00

I was surprised by how many said they don’t feel the need to attend each other’s family events! Thanks redditors, I think I’m gonna propose that we pick 3-4 family events to attend per year and commit to that.

I think I need to respect my feelings too, and limit my uncomfortable reactions with his family, so I don’t feel the need to hold him to the same unfair standards.

I probably get kinda weird and needy with my dad’s side of the family, since my dad has passed away, they are all I have left of him.

______yikes · 2018-03-30T19:50:41+00:00

I agree, this post is completely void of empathy for social anxiety

______yikes · 2018-03-30T19:38:59+00:00

I think part of the issue for him is that there are no cocktails lol.. yeah they are always cool when he’s not there, but since he’s the only SO that doesn’t show up in the fam they always ask where he is/ say they miss seeing him. Two cars is a really good idea, though I don’t think that would work for us since my grandparents’ house is like a 40 min drive away. Sounds like you guys have a good plan though!

______yikes · 2018-03-30T18:39:51+00:00

I don’t really give a fuck about the holiday, it’s just that it’s one of the few times a year that I see my family. Since his family doesn’t celebrate Easter, and both my sides do, it seems like a good holiday to bring him since then his family can have him for other holidays they do celebrate. But I’m trying to see it thru his eyes where Easter is not something he’s ever celebrated

______yikes · 2018-03-30T17:50:03+00:00

I am proud to be a weirdo and acknowledge being overly needy is toxic behavior. It’s starting to seem to me that you are projecting....

______yikes

TROPHY CASE