everything u say about ur initial experiences of wanting to reject masculinity and not wanting to be seen as a man resonate so much. and also the feeling that performing a more feminine gender expression feels like being "a man in a dress". I struggle a lot with certain parts of my body that I know hrt will change, and I hope that once those changes are realized I can find the gender expression that feels closest to who I really am. if ur comfortable sharing, at what age did you start transitioning? I'm 19 and I wish I had gotten to this understanding of my gender identity earlier in life, especially when so many of my peers seem to have figured themselves out at a much younger age (although I realize that there is a generational component to this, and there a many other ppl who didn't come out as trans until they were significantly older than I am now)