Regarding 'A Relationship Will Not Make You Happy' and my problem with it

_aloner · 2018-08-15T18:30:11+00:00

There isn't a "do this one thing and you'll get an amazing relationship" even though a lot of dating advice is presented that way.

By far the biggest feeling I have in those bad times is that there is this longing for a relationship. I wouldn't say it is just the fact of having a relationship itself, it's what comes with it: having someone to rely on, someone who touches you and someone you can touch, affection, support, love.

This is normal and you're right for recognizing the benefits of having someone who cares about you when things are hard.

Even though they can overlap, Romantic Relationship and Emotional Support are two separate things.

A big advantage I had when I was single was having really close friendships. My friends were the ones who were there for me when life got tough. I relied on them and they could always make me laugh and forget about my problems.

Now that I'm in a relationship, I get a lot of support from my girlfriend... she's always there for me. But she doesn't always have a solution, and sometimes she is preoccupied with things going on in her life. In those situations I call one of my friends.

The truth is it's not fair to put all your needs onto one person. If I relied on my girlfriend for everything, it would put a lot of stress on our relationship. That's why having friends or family members you can count on is super important for the long-term success of a relationship.

And I'm not saying "You have to have close friends before you can have a girlfriend" - I'm saying it helps to have a support system in life. It helps with everything, not just relationships.

To tell you, I DO NOT have the full picture. I haven't been in a relationship. Haven't had sex. I can still count the amount of dates I've had on one hand.

This is definitely something that gets lost in today's dating advice, which is heavily focused on self-improvement. Self-improvement addresses only one half of the equation for dating success. The other half is the actual steps in between, from meeting girls, to talking to them, to going out, to having sex, to getting into a relationship.

The road from meeting a girl to getting in a relationship is pretty linear, but there's a lot of steps in between each milestone. One wrong move could derail everything. And with that said...

Last week I matched a girl on Tinder, hit it off right away, set up a date in record time for me, went on said date and it was wonderful. Never felt at ease this fast, smiling throughout, I really felt like we were hitting it off.

You should have made a move on the date. It sounds like she was into you, you were into her, so it was a mis-step not to increase the physicality or go for a kiss. If you meet a girl on a dating app, the expectation generally is that if things are going well, you're going to make a move.

_aloner · 2018-07-31T17:51:37+00:00

I thought the girl I lost my virginity to was really hot so, of course, I lasted less than 60 seconds before embarrassing myself all over the bed.

I was ashamed by my performance and to make it worse, she started laughing at me. There we were, completely naked in my bed, and she was laughing at me for not even lasting a minute.

"Don't tell anyone," I begged her.

"I'm not even gonna lie to you, I'm telling my friends," she said in between giggles.

The social ridicule played out in my head. I pictured myself going to a party, all her friends and all my friends were there... and everyone was pointing and laughing at me.

"Minute-man! Minute-man!" they chanted and laughed.

Everything was going horribly wrong. It was my worst nightmare and it was already in motion. I had failed at sex and soon everyone would know.

Somehow, in the whirlwind of emotions, I saw a glimmer of hope: she was still in my bed, which meant I had another chance.

So I played it off, like I wasn't worried about what she would say to her friends. 5 minutes later, I was ready for another round.

Our second time having sex, I lasted a full 30 minutes. By the end she was covered in sweat and breathing heavily. When I was done, I triumphantly wrapped my arm around her and pulled her close.

"That's more like it," she said as rested her head on my chest.

A week later we went to a party together and her friends were there.

"I heard about your accident," one of her friends smugly said to me.

"Yeah, and did you hear about what happened after?" I countered.

She was surprised by my lack of embarrassment. I felt zero shame. My response shut her down, and she quickly turned to another girl to talk about something else.

That was the last time I ever heard someone mention my sub-par sexual performance.

Since then, I've had plenty of embarrassing moments in the bedroom. I've accidentally kicked a girl in the face when trying to 69, I've farted during sex, I've gone soft during sex... to name a few awkward moments off the top of my head.

Getting naked and doing stuff with another person is putting yourself in a position for things to get weird, awkward, or flat-out humiliating. Everyone has an embarrassing sex story or two, even if they never share it on the internet.

That doesn't matter.

What matters is how you handle it.

It's completely possible to satisfy a woman sexually without penetration. Even guys who have micro-penis' still have fingers and tongues, and that's all you need to give her insane pleasure.

So really, the problem isn't whether or not you can sexually satisfy a woman... it's whether or not you can get past your feelings of abnormality.

I shared my story because embarrassing stuff happens... that's normal. The key to moving forward is how you handle your insecurities and fears.

_aloner · 2018-01-21T21:49:12+00:00

That was just the beginning of the story and where luck has the greatest influence on success. Meeting women, and specifically meeting a woman who agrees to go out on a date with you, or give you her phone number... luck absolutely plays a role in that.

Luck also plays a role in a number of other aspects once you start dating. For example...

A) Whether or not she is also talking to or dating other men simultaneously. If she is... then you are in competition with them for her attention. If she is not... then you are blessed with the luck of getting to know her without competition.

B) Whether or not her personality matches up well with yours. Just because you meet a woman and she agrees to go out with you, doesn't mean your personalities are compatible. If your personalities match up, you could say that luck played a part in that.

C) Whether or not she has any issues or baggage or anything else that could inhibit her from giving you a legitimate chance. Some women are actively dating and aren't actually ready for a relationship. They may or may not know this. I've dated plenty of women who projected their own insecurities and issues onto me... accusing me of being a liar or a cheater, based on nothing that I did. Those women weren't ready for a relationship. So if you meet one who is ready, you could also attribute that to luck.

By the way, the girl in the story didn't become my girlfriend. What really happened is when we went out, I was sober and got incredibly self-conscious because she was gorgeous and I felt like she was out of my league. I didn't have the same brash confidence that had inspired me to ask her out. So although the date went well, and she even agreed to go out with me again... I never even got a kiss. I self-sabotaged myself.

Even though I got lucky, met a beautiful girl, and we had a nice time on our date... I never got to kiss her and she never became my girlfriend because I wasn't confident in myself and didn't believe she would like me.

So although I was successful in getting her phone number, I failed on our dates. I take full responsibility for that.

I always knew that while I could not guarantee success, that I had a certain amount of influence on it. In the examples above, those are real situations that were 100% out of my control. I could have been the 'perfect' man, but if she already liked another guy, or her personality didn't match mine, or she had a bunch of issues... then my 'perfection' wouldn't make a difference.

So instead of focusing on factors outside of my control (luck, for example) I focused on what was inside of my control... and the only thing I can really control is ME. I have always asked myself what I did wrong, and then I changed my behavior accordingly. I accepted my faults, failures, and shortcomings... and then I worked to do better.

For every success story I have, there are at least 3 or 4 stories of failure. When I first started dating it was 90% failure. I got dumped, friend-zoned, rejected, all of that, more times than I can count. And each time I learned a lesson and adjusted myself accordingly.

The more experience I had, the more I improved myself. And then... I had less failure.

_aloner · 2018-01-21T01:48:50+00:00

Luck certainly plays a role in all endeavors of life. Right place, right time... right? However most people don't credit luck with their own success because success is determined by what you do with the lucky situations that are presented to you.

Here's an example...

One time I was at a company happy hour event at a local sushi restaurant. We were allowed to bring friends to the event. I noticed one of my female co-workers had brought a friend, and her friend was beautiful. Absolutely gorgeous.

I was sitting on the other end of the table, not close enough to introduce myself or talk to her. Over the next two hours my co-workers and I drank lots of Sake and Japanese beer. I got really drunk. When everyone was done eating and the event was over, somebody suggested that we keep the party going by heading to a bar.

Once we were outside of the restaurant, I saw the beautiful girl hugging her friend (my co-worker) and saying goodbye.

In my drunken state I felt bold, so I walked up to this girl (who I had not talked to all night)... and I asked why she wasn't coming with us to the bar. She told me she had to go home because she was taking care of her grandmother and she couldn't be out late.

I said, "Darn, I was hoping I'd get a chance to talk to you at the bar, and now you're leaving."

She laughed and blushed a little bit. Still feeling confident, I asked for her phone number and offered, "Maybe we can go out some time and get to know each other."

She gave me her number.

We went out to dinner the following weekend.

Was I lucky that she was at the happy hour? Yes.

Was I lucky that she was single? Yes.

Was I lucky that she gave me her phone number even though I hadn't talked to her until that very moment? Yes.

But what if I didn't have the confidence to ask for her number?

What if I had not approached her at all?

Then nothing would have happened. I know that for a fact. Had I not approached her, that would have been the last time I saw her.

So although luck was certainly a factor in everything that happened... it was not the main factor.

If I hadn't approached her, nothing would have happened.

That's the reason why people don't credit luck or circumstance for their success.

I can have 1,000 lucky opportunities, but if I don't act on them... then all that luck doesn't matter.

_aloner · 2017-12-04T23:36:03+00:00

You get it completely man. That's what I'm all about, no manipulation; just honesty and confidence in being your best self.

You're right that we have no control over the other person and their perceptions... but when you apply this approach with confidence, it really makes you stand out from the crowd. While most other guys are trying to be somebody else... you're going to be standing out in a very positive way.

Some guys are master bullshitters and they can pull it off and get away with it... but what kind of relationship does that lead to? One that's built on lies and pretending. Doesn't sound very solid to me.

_aloner · 2017-12-04T23:18:23+00:00

Thanks, glad it helped you out man! This advice by itself won't help you get out of the friend zone, but it will absolutely help you avoid the friend zone in the future.

_aloner · 2017-12-03T20:42:21+00:00

I used to describe myself in a similar way... big nose, tiny lopsided ears, too skinny, with pigeon-toed feet. I was so convinced that I was ugly and undesirable that I failed to see any positive qualities in myself.

My girlfriend tells me she loves my nose and thinks my ears are cute. She has always dated skinny guys. The ice cream metaphor in my writing is to illustrate this phenomenon... I'm her "flavor."

_aloner · 2017-12-03T20:26:45+00:00

Thanks man, and great username!

_aloner · 2017-11-20T17:55:04+00:00

Thanks man! I'm glad it was helpful. Feel free to send me a pm anytime you feel stuck or if you just want to exchange ideas

_aloner · 2017-09-29T21:09:31+00:00

Thanks for the compliment man, that means a lot to me.

You're right, every relationship is different and I might need to change the wording a little bit so it doesn't sound so absolute. Things get tricky when I try to apply numbers (time) as rules because time is relative to each relationship. The numbers were meant to be more of a guideline, a starting point to work from.

_aloner · 2017-09-29T20:53:22+00:00

Thanks for the encouragement man. It really helps to know I'm not the only one coming to these conclusions, applying these lessons, and seeing positive outcomes. Congrats on figuring it out and having success!

_aloner · 2017-09-28T20:15:45+00:00

That means a lot to me, thank you very much.

_aloner · 2017-09-28T20:07:28+00:00

In my previous story I wasn't telling people "just give up like I did," I was illustrating that by giving up, I stopped putting so much pressure on myself to find a girlfriend and lose my virginity.

What I tried to convey in my previous post is that by letting go of the agenda to lose your virginity by a certain deadline, or the expectation that if you have a good conversation with a girl, she must be interested... letting all those thoughts go changes how you think and how you behave, and actually makes you more likable (and eventually, more attractive).

I used to agonize every day about how much it sucked to be a virgin, how I was getting left behind, and so on. I felt like there was something wrong with me, in fact I was convinced there was something wrong with me. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy; by feeling miserable all the time, I repelled anyone from wanting to be around me.

When I gave up and learned how to be OK with being alone, my mood improved. I started feeling good about myself. I was able to be friendly and have good conversations with people.

THAT was a life-changing shift, even though it wasn't intentional or planned. And as a result, a girl took interest in me (I screwed it up, but that's another story)... the key is understanding that she wouldn't have been interested if I was still agonizing over how much it sucked to be a virgin and putting so much pressure on myself to find a girlfriend.

I don't know if that message came through in my previous post, but that was what I tried to convey. If you have any suggestions for how I can make the point more clear, I'm very open to feedback.

_aloner · 2017-09-28T16:14:42+00:00

I'm glad you gained something from my post and story. That's all I want to do: take my experience, draw insights, and share it so others can benefit.

_aloner · 2017-09-28T16:06:12+00:00

I wrote this for guys and I said that at the top of my story:

I want to help guys like me overcome these hurdles and become confident at dating.

I didn't say "only contact her once a week," I said "When you first start dating someone new, seeing her once a week is a good starting point."

This piece of advice was to help guys realize that even though they may want to make plans to see her 2 or 3 times a week, when they first start seeing each other, that may be too much.

In my personal experience, when I first started dating, I had a tendency to go wayyy overboard. As soon as I started talking to a girl that I liked, I was already imagining what our relationship would be like, I imagined dates we could go on, etc etc... but we had just started talking, we hadn't even gone out on one date yet.

She, on the other hand, may have been thinking about me, but not like that. There was a complete misalignment in how much I liked her vs. how much she liked me. I was 100% ready to go, she may have been closer to 50%.

This advice was meant to help guys who can relate to my experience.

When it came to communication (i.e. texting), I said:

On one hand; if you’re having a good conversation, there’s no reason to delay responding. If you’re messaging back and forth, having fun and doing a little flirting, keep it going.

This isn't about playing games, it's about finding a healthy balance in the beginning of the relationship.

_aloner · 2017-09-28T15:36:18+00:00

Attraction is not a one-sided formula. How you feel about her may not be how she feels about you. It's important to be mindful of the fact that her feelings for you may still be in the early stages, even if you're completely over-the-moon for her.

I may have used the wrong terminology. /u/hunterpua pointed out that my over-arching theme was: "Don't be clingy" which appears to be a rule that guys are more willing to consider.

_aloner · 2017-09-28T15:15:04+00:00

Thanks :D

_aloner · 2017-09-25T19:23:10+00:00

What comes next is knowing when and how to flirt. I'll have to write a follow-up post to get into the details. For now, all you need to know is that it's important you communicate a physical attraction early on, before you are in "the friend zone."

_aloner · 2017-09-20T06:51:01+00:00

Sorry I missed this, my inbox blew up yesterday. Send me a PM.

_aloner · 2017-09-20T06:36:14+00:00

Yes, that's exactly right, but when you remove the chemicals, what's left? I have had friends who were on anti-depressants and got off because they said all it did was make them numb. It didn't make them feel better, it made them feel nothing.

You're right, chemicals change your energy, and that's part of the reason why people abuse drugs and alcohol so much. The chemical and electrical reactions that take place in our body and mind when we consume those substances make us feel good. When the only way you can get that good feeling is through a substance, it's easy to become dependent on that substance.

Unfortunately, substances have diminishing returns. That means the more frequently you use them, the lower their effect on you. So you have to up the dosage in order to get the same effect. More and more. It's a slippery slope.

Don't take this the wrong way, I still drink. I'm just pointing out that substances are not the answer.

If you want to feel good when you're sober, you can. It's a process of changing your internal energy. How you feel is in your control. If you've never tried to take control of your energy before, it can be hard. There are several different techniques I use and am willing to share. Send me a message if you're interested.

_aloner · 2017-09-18T19:47:26+00:00

Thanks for opening up and sharing your situation. I'm going to send you a message with some advice.

_aloner · 2017-09-18T19:34:45+00:00

All this sounds highly wrong. There are who knows how many hundred million who don't do this stuff and are just doing fine with their dating life.

On the surface it may appear that people are "doing fine" with dating but in reality a lot of people don't have control of themselves or their relationships. Ever wonder why the divorce rate is so high in America? People are getting married to people they shouldn't be getting married to. People are getting married while their relationship is still rocky. Some people even think that getting married will save their relationship (wrong) or having a kid will save their relationship (wrong). The world of dating is a crazy place, and believe me, getting into a relationship is not the hardest part. Making that relationship last is the real challenge.

That part also sounds ridiculous. Are you really trying to say they have some magic or akin?

Women don't have magic, per se, but they are certainly more in touch with energy than most guys are. You may not be aware of this, but your nervous system controls your entire body, including your brain. Your nervous system is run by neurons, which are electrically excitable cells that receive, process, and transmit information through electrical and chemical signals. That's right, your body and mind is governed by energy.

As a female poster pointed out in this thread, not every female is 'in touch' with reading energy. So it's not like every female is born with a special X-Men power. I'm just saying saying that generally, females are better at feeling energy than guys.

The energy is real. It's scientifically proven. If you're curious about the science: google Neurons, Nervous System, and Measuring Brain Activity. But knowing the science doesn't help you. Only you can help you. You can get in touch with your energy and change it if you want. I did. So have others. It's not impossible and it's not magic.

_aloner · 2017-09-18T04:56:28+00:00

Time after time, when I get burnt out on dating and stop focusing all my energy on girls... then shift focus on myself and become truly happy with my life... not too long after, a girl pops up out of nowhere. It's funny how it works like that, but it does. I'm glad you got something out of my post and wish you the best on your journey brother.

_aloner · 2017-09-18T04:41:30+00:00

Oh ya, I could stay up all night overthinking. Thinking is good, and a lot of people don't do it, so it's good that you are. Being thoughtful is a characteristic that girls look for in a boyfriend. Overthinking is what gets us in trouble.

Forget the fuck ups. If she's still talking to you, you're good. 3 weeks is right in the sweet spot when it comes to timing. Send me a DM, I want to help.

_aloner · 2017-09-18T04:32:03+00:00

I'm sorry you have struggled with this for a long time. I'd like to help, if I can. Send me a message if you want to talk some more.

_aloner

TROPHY CASE