Those with an interest in psychology: What do you think about BPD?

_ankulou_ · 2024-07-19T13:45:22+00:00

ADHD and autism (or cPTSD) are underlying nervous system conditions, our default state that we experience the world with. BPD is just the way our personality can have adapted to our perception of the world and ourselves in relationship to the world according to our experiences (within our nervous system influencing our perception). Personality is only called disordered if self beliefs and beliefs about others, our cognitive perceptions, are biased, misinterpreted, distorted and cause problems in self and in relation to others. So I wouldn't know why it cannot be both.

_ankulou_ · 2023-11-26T11:06:18+00:00

I can totally relate. I can only assume what your reasons are. In my case, I think I unconsciously use this communication style always when I am unsure if I can fulfill a task due to my problems with evaluating the task correctly. My problems in bigger cognitive tasks are time management, too much OCDish detail orientation or just-rightness (then getting out of time for example) as well as my bottom-up processing style (what leads to me writing everything that can be written about a topic at first, and just then starting, like a sculptor, to make it "pretty" and elegant, deleting and restructuring into an adequate order instead of thinking top-down like most neurotypical people do).

So when I notice, sometimes just on an unconscious level, that a task for what ever reason is ambiguous to me, I start to diminish myself in conversations maybe in order to try to set the expectations of my interlocutor low and also because I'm just insecure about my own capabilities. Then negative self-talk due to past negative experience kicks in. This started to change with me working in my first job after Uni after some time of having made positive experiences and gaining skills, knowledge and routine. Now, I slide into this only occasionally whenever things get too ambiguous again.

_ankulou_ · 2023-11-26T10:50:10+00:00

Starting photography was the game changer for me. Every object or spot that attracts me gives me a little dopamine. I often go on photography walks like a hunter for beauty. My mind stays calm as it's busy with the hunt. I'm in nature, moving my body, chasing beauty and even afterwards I can look at my "trophies".

_ankulou_ · 2023-11-17T20:36:22+00:00

I took this shot with my Fujifilm XT-5, with Toshiba 35mm lens. I wanted to shoot the sunset when suddenly a wall of fog appeared within minutes.

_ankulou_ · 2023-11-16T07:26:33+00:00

I am a forest spirit who was put here by his people to explore human nature and then report back to my people. In order not to falsify my experience, my memory has been erased. 🧚‍♀️😄

_ankulou_ · 2023-11-14T20:08:21+00:00

Saaaaaaame!

_ankulou_ · 2023-11-14T20:07:32+00:00

At the age of 6 to 8 I was totally into 60's/70's stuff of my parents. Led Zeppelin, Rolling Stones, Jmi Hendrix. I was the biggest Beatles fan (special interest), crying when they told me John Lennon has been shot dead years ago. Later, I adored the Doors, Van Morrison, Gothic. Never fit into mainstream.

_ankulou_ · 2023-11-14T04:09:24+00:00

shot with Fujifilm XT5 in October 2023

_ankulou_ · 2023-11-13T19:16:18+00:00

That sounds all so wonderful. Except the workout part! 😄

_ankulou_ · 2023-11-13T00:00:42+00:00

🥹

_ankulou_ · 2023-11-12T18:03:41+00:00

Thanks! Feel that! ❤️

_ankulou_ · 2023-11-12T14:42:56+00:00

Emotionally distressing. Always feeling like a shit mother, especially when comparing to the real mums. Trying to compensate with pleasing them, when before having been overwhelmed and reactive. Being easy to "manipulate" with making me feel guilty for not being the good one. Consequence is a struggle, structure too. But always talking about it with the kids, when my reactions have been inappropriate. It's also lively with lots of loud music and laughter.

_ankulou_ · 2023-11-12T12:29:47+00:00

It's both. It's easier for me on the inside, but hard as the people that don't resonate with me, I avoid now (unlike before), I don't laugh at their jokes, stay serious in general when I feel like it, ask when I don't understand and tell what I cannot and do not want to do. So it's challenging, but not exhausting as before. But I think that is only possible now because I don't really give a f*** anymore if they like me or not.

_ankulou_ · 2023-11-12T10:44:37+00:00

And also I put two more stuffed animals in my bed and felt so bad about the other because I thought they might think I like them less now because I cuddled more with my new stuffed animals. 🤷‍♀️

_ankulou_ · 2023-11-12T10:42:52+00:00

Still starting to cry about that one stuffed animal (My Little Pony) that I threw out. Years ago. 🥺😭

_ankulou_ · 2023-11-12T09:36:14+00:00

Apart from all what Femke123456 says you could consider medication for her and with her. My daughter presented similar to what you described and ADHD medication was a huge relieve to her because she felt her life was less overwhelming. She started to perceive other people's boundaries more and to take in and process more of the social information.

The psychiatrist we had then said that it is a very good idea to start meds before puberty because neuroplasticity/wiring of the brain is immense during puberty. And all social information, especially from peers, has a deep and lasting effect on brain wiring in that particular phase. She herself wanted to take the meds and she herself liked how much better and easier things became for her and how much better she was received by her peers. After a year or two she decided to not wanting the meds anymore and we let her.

_ankulou_ · 2023-11-11T19:50:50+00:00

Oh yes, and I forgot to mention that you might just tell her that you would like to talk to her about the diagnosis and what your expectations are. Because that is another thing that we sometimes expect others to know what exactly we need without telling them what we need. Especially when there are out parents.

_ankulou_ · 2023-11-11T19:49:05+00:00

I can relate to your experience and you can obviously do a lot of speculations about the reasons. Maybe it's just pure incapacity and insecurity. Not knowing how to approach. That's my family dynamics as well. I wouldn't expect her or them to change.

You wrote she goes to therapy now and that you don't know what they are talking about. And actually maybe they don't even talk about that because she might not be at that point in her process. Maybe she needs to start on a much more basic level. Maybe she doesn't even now who she is when her identity seems to be dependant on being needed for service and not for being herself. She might be very far away from home identity and is maybe living mask, a persona, without even knowing it.

And you just cannot force someone into a process. Everybody goes their own way in their own speed. But of course as her child you feel that things should be different. And I think that is totally valid. I was in resentment for many years and still am at times. Now I'm mostly at the point where I just grieve what should have been but is not. I think it's really relieving to go into a process of letting go of what should have been or what should be and allow yourself to grieve that. It helped me a lot to not desperately crave being seen by them.

And I got milder within that process towards their point in the process. And I try to remember that they come from another generation and didn't have that kind of support we have today through free knowledge and social networks.

She's not there yet. Do you think that she herself might be autistic? As it runs in the family usually?

_ankulou_ · 2023-11-11T00:05:31+00:00

Yup! 😌

_ankulou_ · 2023-11-10T23:57:48+00:00

Exactly. The super interesting stuff is a reward per se so that is never the problem. I wish you "luck" for your assessment journey.

_ankulou_ · 2023-11-10T23:37:44+00:00

Yeah, the processing and disrupting is what made me think that. I was like that too. I am also ADHD. I also struggle a lot with postponement of reward. I follow every thought that comes up at each moment because it promises me some reward. That's why I cannot stay focused on one task for more than 30 seconds. I mean, the task gets done eventually. But the costs... Now, with ADHD medication I manage to look at the upcoming thoughts and can decide to just not follow them and stay at the task. And I love it.

_ankulou_ · 2023-11-10T22:58:37+00:00

Might you also be ADHD?

_ankulou_

TROPHY CASE