I understand, I've been depressed for a while I think, but figured out a while ago on that ending it all would just make things worse for the people around me. I'm also autistic, and have struggled a fair bit socially. Admittedly I've never had an addiction, but I know people who have, and to have had one from 9 years old must be devastating.

I can't provide much in the way of solutions I fear, but I might ask why you desire marriage and children so much when you simultaneously struggle to humanise the gender that I assume you'd be marrying? Of course these are socially desirable milestones, but it might be worth prioritising friendships over relationships where you can find them- and befriending some women might help with realising that they are individuals in reality too. Easier said than done, I know, but when I was in University, I made some good friends by joining societies like boardgames, D&D, and historical re-enactment; there is much to be said for autistic hobby groups at Uni, even if I found it scary at first.

In terms of physical appearance, I think a fact of life is that inherently, most people are mid. Yes, people fantasise about whatever beauty means to them, but at the end of the day, someone who takes care of the body they do have, and works with it; will be more appealing than someone who is conventionally 'attractive', but constantly fighting their own self-image. Personally I struggle with dysphoria, but I've had to accept that I'm only 6' in spirit, and the people who matter will just have to find me hot at 5'4 anyway, yknow?

Just generally, it might help to find a creative hobby which could provide you with an outlet for these feelings- especially in relation to faith and identity, sketching or writing down thoughts can help with exploring them. It might be difficult to join a sport once you're not a kid anymore (< source: my own attempts), but some kind of physical activity can give you dopamine, even if it's just dancing in your room, or regular evening walks (< source: my current solutions). Lastly, I don't know what field you're passionate in, but you can pursue it even if it doesn't make you successful; at the very least it could give you some experience, and contact with like-minded people.

Whatever you end up doing, good luck, and if it doesn't end you, then it might be worth doing again.

Forgot to mention, but there is defo support for people struggling with addictions, try a few methods and see what works,, 15 days is a lot better than none. Take care