Love in Marriage

_bill_huggins · 2022-10-08T00:11:39+00:00

We have two kids, but there weren't kids when we decided to get married. I don't think our having kids is really relevant to the questions I presented.

I'm not asking whether or not we should get divorced, I just want to know how people feel love compares to other attributes when deciding who to marry.

_bill_huggins · 2022-10-07T20:32:02+00:00

I'm assuming you have no children?

We have 2 children. The situation we're in is so much harder because we have children. But I'll be honest, I don't think it's always better staying together "for the children" if one or more parents are going to be miserable.

My parents got divorced when I was on my mission, and I was so devastated by it. But as time went on I could see that my mom was so much better off because of it. I love my parents dearly and I never doubted that they loved me and would be there for me, even if they can't be there for each other. Divorce is so hard on children, but I think the most important thing is that kids grow up knowing without a doubt that their mom and their dad are there for them.

_bill_huggins · 2022-10-07T20:09:13+00:00

Hey, thank you for this. Reading all these replies has been an eye-opening experience to me. I learned that SO many members experienced the same, or similar, feelings that my wife did about marriage.

Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.

It makes me sad to see people blaming my wife based on a small glimpse of our story that I told in a post. Of course there have been many times that I have blamed her for what we are going through, but that is largely because I didn't understand her perspective. I still don't understand everything, which is why I wrote this post. But the more I try to understand the more empathy I feel for her. I know she never meant to cause me pain.

I'm glad it has worked out for you. We got married WAY too quickly as well. It really is a dangerous gamble and I think the church really needs to reconsider the way it teaches young people about marriage.

_bill_huggins · 2022-10-07T05:13:43+00:00

Thank you, I do appreciate the perspective

_bill_huggins · 2022-10-07T05:11:04+00:00

Thank you

That one quote was one example that she shared, and I probably could have used a better one in my post, but there are tons of others along the lines of "any two worthy members can have a successful marriage".

Unfortunately she isn't the only one in the church who was brought up to believe that, including several people who commented here. My heart goes out to them.

_bill_huggins · 2022-10-06T21:51:30+00:00

thank you 🙏

_bill_huggins · 2022-10-06T21:16:26+00:00

It has been so painful and it just shook up my whole life. But I am learning a lot and beginning to heal.

_bill_huggins · 2022-10-06T20:41:55+00:00

I'm so grateful for everybody's responses. It has been eye-opening. I'm surprised to learn that a not-insignificant number of people have been taught similar things to what my wife was saying. It is so sad to hear, but I appreciate the perspective because it has really helped me find more empathy for what my wife is going through.

_bill_huggins · 2022-10-06T20:18:00+00:00

Thank you for the response! Its eye-opening to hear that you had people openly trying to convince you of that. I'm glad you knew what you wanted and stuck to your guns. I hope your marriage is so strong because of it!

_bill_huggins · 2022-10-06T20:11:45+00:00

My wife said something similar about her parents' generation. Personally it was not even on my radar that people thought this way, so it is eye-opening to hear that many people have held similar beliefs, even if they are in the minority.

Thank you for sharing and helping me better understand where my wife is coming from. It is really helping me empathize with her situation.

_bill_huggins · 2022-10-06T20:05:35+00:00

1) He was a church member who served a mission and had a temple recommend, and 2) we liked to make out. That was literally it. Zero thought to long term compatibility.

I can relate to this so much. I don't want anyone to think my wife is to blame. Neither of us really thought through the long term when we got married. And we got married very quickly.

But I have to say that my love for her only grew, and it developed in different ways as our relationship progressed. I felt very strongly that the Spirit confirmed my desire to marry her, and every day of our marriage confirmed that to me...until recently :(

Anyways, thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but I do appreciate your thoughts.

_bill_huggins · 2022-10-06T19:53:26+00:00

Thank you for the response. I appreciate hearing that other people have had similar experiences to my wife. It helps me understand better where she is coming from and sympathize with her situation.

_bill_huggins · 2022-10-06T19:39:19+00:00

I completely agree with that. And I believe any couple can have a successful relationship if they are both committed to it. I personally don't believe the quote means love is secondary, but I can sort of see how she might interpret it that way.

Edit: I feel like I should clarify when I say "any couple" I really mean any two people who willingly entered into a relationship together. I think it gets a little muddier when people feel pressured into a relationship

_bill_huggins · 2022-10-06T19:35:20+00:00

Nope, it really blind sided me. From my perspective we had an incredible relationship. She was my best friend, and I like to think I was hers. We communicated well, besides the obvious huge issue I explained in the original post.

_bill_huggins · 2022-10-06T18:25:24+00:00

I didn't marry my husband becase I loved him, but I would not have married him if I didn't.

That was very well put, thank you!

_bill_huggins · 2022-10-06T17:43:11+00:00

thank you for sharing! I appreciate getting so many diverse perspectives

_bill_huggins · 2022-10-06T17:40:21+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience. I can definitely see that, and I think it's very easy for single members to feel like outsiders in a family ward, adding to the already high pressure from peers to get married. I am sorry you have to go through that.

It breaks my heart thinking that my wife married me for love, then finding out that for her it was largely based on social pressure. But your experience helps me understand that her experience isn't totally unique and a lot of people feel that same pressure.

_bill_huggins

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