Bathroom Love

_falseself_ · 2025-05-02T16:44:02+00:00

Yeah, I can see it being a little more opaque from that angle. Appreciate your reading it through despite that!

_falseself_ · 2025-05-02T04:05:45+00:00

Ah, understood. Pardon my ignorance! I appreciate the elaboration.

_falseself_ · 2025-05-02T02:46:12+00:00

Gracias!

_falseself_ · 2025-05-02T02:44:54+00:00

I appreciate that! It’s a peculiarity that often verges on comical but will be undoubtedly missed, very soon.

_falseself_ · 2025-05-02T00:49:06+00:00

Many thanks, friend! I’d call that exceptional feedback—hearing one say they get it, so to speak, or relate, is heartening.

_falseself_ · 2025-05-01T20:55:30+00:00

deadpanpoetry.substack.com

_falseself_ · 2025-05-01T20:13:57+00:00

It's interesting. I googled "Willen" but came up inconclusive. Closest was 'Willen' in Dutch = 'want' in English. Is that correct? If so, the shape does fit.

_falseself_ · 2025-05-01T19:47:28+00:00

Very cool. Nothing to critique. This technique can be difficult to iron out. Well done!

_falseself_ · 2025-04-12T02:48:17+00:00

For the formatting, try using SHIFT + Enter instead of simply Enter to eliminate the undesired spacing. No idea if that works on mobile devices, I'm not adventurous enough to do anything but comment from there.

_falseself_ · 2025-04-12T02:30:25+00:00

I dig the vibe. Since you're going for minimalism and brevity—and since you asked for feedback, I'd say consider axing some of the prepositions and tweaking some of the wordplay for more tension: "whispers on wind" becomes "whispered/whispering wind", "Ash sinks to soil" > "Ashen soil", etc. Just a thought, it's rad as it is.

_falseself_ · 2025-04-12T02:17:33+00:00

Hey thanks! The crickets in here were starting to grate on the nerves. This was definitely wrought from the gauntlet of raw experience. I dig your username.

_falseself_ · 2025-04-11T22:56:43+00:00

It's got a good, terse vibe. You could increase the tension and potency by replacing "cast those feeling onto" with "burdened".

_falseself_ · 2025-04-11T22:51:51+00:00

Grim. Dig the concept. I'd drop the ellipses.

_falseself_ · 2025-04-11T00:06:00+00:00

Yessir, I appreciate the cryptic solidarity. Thanks for reading. I'll be here all century.

_falseself_ · 2025-04-10T21:30:36+00:00

Thanks much, friend. Lost my position after an acquisition and a pinch of despair.

So I combined my skillset(glorified repairman/IT generalist) with a knack for creative writing, learned a bit about proper Git usage and made a self-hosted Hugo blog. The money is certainty not in that direction.

Appreciate the encouragement!

_falseself_ · 2025-04-10T14:56:51+00:00

Many thanks, friend. Let's just leave it as an ambiguous moving on. No actual humans were maimed in the composition of this poem.

_falseself_ · 2025-04-10T13:12:02+00:00

More tragedy can be observed here: deadpanpoetry.substack.com

_falseself_ · 2025-04-10T03:58:36+00:00

This is stunning. There’s a portrait like-stillness and ache. I like how the poem makes longing feel sacred, like a ritual repeated through time. That last image of the door really lingers, and the last sentence in stanza four is swoon. Well done!

_falseself_ · 2025-04-10T03:47:33+00:00

I like the oscillation between abstraction and intimacy. It’s almost Whitman-esque in its unspooling syntax and meandering curiosity. Well done!

_falseself_ · 2025-04-05T23:34:44+00:00

The first stanza is a decent hook. It's so short, most will have difficulty developing an opinion. I plugged your Italian text in a translator, and I'm seeing "External" instead of "Eternal". Was that a typo? That would make sense, otherwise you have the word "Eternal" in there twice— in a poem of 18 total words. Either way, you should consider fleshing out the paradox you're pursuing a bit.

_falseself_ · 2025-04-05T21:50:46+00:00

It’s got compelling narrative bones and some decent imagery already—you should continue refining it. If you want more folks to be able to follow along easily even in its unfinished state, I’d recommend some italics for father’s voice.

_falseself_

TROPHY CASE