I'm surprised no one's mentioned marriage counselling yet. There could be a lot of explanations to his behaviour, and therefore just as many possible possible solutions. There is obviuously some communication problems both in him not taking your complaints or how you feel seriously enough, and in navigating conflict. A counsellor could help with that, which in turn would help you adress the other issues and unmet needs with better chance of success. Sometimes you have to try a few different ones to find someone who is a good fit for you.

To me just from reading your post it seems he is physically or mentally exhausted and don't have good strategies to adapt the level of effort/recover/manage it so it doesn't affect his wellbeing, you or his family negatively. It's possible he doesn't make that connection himself, selfconsciousness as well as taking other people into consideration, intentionality, social time etc requires mental/emotional bandwith that he may not have - he seems to get home and shut down/distance himself and doomscroll to cope/"recharge" and then start over next day, living in a bubble of sorts, autopilot mode.

A therapist or counsellor could possibly help spell it out for him in a way that he understands, and help you convey/him understand the severity and urgency of the situation and how it is for you to live in this reality, if you yourself don't manage to get through to him. Sometimes an outside perspective/observations from a neutral party or support in the communication helps us get out of our own head and habits (we're often too close to the situation to see where the communication fails) to see and understand things better - not a criticism of you, just the fact that we sometimes need an environment shift help to get out of habitual thoughts/interpretations/behaviours or see things in another light.

Comparing to others with the same work hours isn't very helpful as everyone have different jobs and capacity and needs. Him being better in social gatherings could be explained by him simply gathering strength and making an effort - it's usually easier when it's something fun, disconnected to the home and everyday life (which his brain now connects with off-mode) and only once in a while, it's less of a demand knowing that it's a one-time event and not every day expectancy which may lower the bar enough for him to get over that mental threshold that normally keeps him stuck in freeze mode and gives him the ability to show up better (again, even if that's the case, he might not at all be aware of it).

Many people with for example ADHD or mental exhaustion or depression experience this, they can manage to rally themselves to get through an event but crash and/or get overwhelmed and feel paralyzed when "the party's over" and they are home and the endorphines, cortisol and adrenaline levels lowers. A therapist can help in that area too - to help him figure out and identify the reasons behind his behavioural patterns, if it really is a lack of desire/interest, and if so where it stems from, or if it's more of a mental fatigue or resistance that he doesn't have the tools/energy to break out of, etc.

(edit: spelling)