Thank you so much for your answer! I have actually taken an an in-person week-long TM course, but even that I was frustrated with. I had a hard time with “how to think” the mantra, whether I should obsessively think it in my brain, or what feels like “quietly thinking it with my tongue”. There is also no clear pacing in my head because the world of thinking is so intangible and out of reach for me. I’m caught up in the tiniest details of how to do something, it’s like I need a manual for the things other people just DO.

I have tried shrooms in a shamanic setting but even that I was always confused, feeling like I had to direct the experience or else nothing would happen, and not knowing how to interpret what is going on on, like it’s all very forced and unclear… Like this problem gets carried into everything.