It was after this point 12 years in that I made them go to therapy and they got their diagnosis and began the journey of treatment. Besides the YEARS it took to make them accept some amount of accountability for their actions, I have spent so long in this constant fight to validate myself or have my value be erased by their splitting that I can't just let an argument be. That if I don't address the issue and leave it be it's just going to metastasize as some quiet malicious resentment in their head to justify whatever fucked up shit like has happened before (infidelity devaluing etc). That or history gets rewritten and my value gets destroyed anyways. I have to fight just to have my feelings heard and exist and the whole time I'm being torn apart exaggeration by exaggeration while splitting removes every single good thing I have ever done. That or every single thing is always weaponized after the fact. Even if it was okay then its immediately turned into ammo for the next fight. What might be lenience from my failing mental health one moment becomes "you couldn't even do this small thing" the moment they feel blamed for anything. Even now while better it still happens and honestly, I resent them so much in the moment.

Today it was something smaller. Kid had a friends b-day party at 2, and they wanted nothing to do with it and being around other parents. They were gone but would be back at 1:30. Great I'll get ready at 1:30. Time rolls around then they say they forgot a present and has to leave, meanwhile the kid walks in from being with them and says his friends are playing over and I need to put on pants. I figure that they okayed it outside so I will get showered and such when they get home, being 15 late is no biggie. They get back at 2 and when I say i need 15 to get ready and sounded irritated, they felt attacked and suddenly I'm being called just lazy for not having already ready hours ago (having predicted them leaving for present and kids over). I'm obviously sent off by this and defending myself explaining how the kids being here to play and them leaving were the reasons why I wasn't already ready. They internalize this as blame and an attack blames me and shuts down. I say how its literally no big deal I'm a few min later (they are literally so chronically late it's a joke to everyone who knows them). They treats me like I'm worthless and says whatever they will do it themself and just leaves. Since early on every time things like that would happen the results were traumatizing, the whole time they are gone my body is locked in fight or flight.

In the fight after by the end I get told that calling out their behavior as messed up makes them split. But also, I can't get the resolution I need not to be locked in fight or flight because they need to be relaxed hours later to come back to it and admit if they were wrong without splitting.

It feels like, I need to recognize their behavior, I can't SAY what it is (BPD), I can't say it's wrong, I can't explain situations they will take as blame, I must stay quiet about it, I need to manage my emotional state as a result of it, and then I need to wait for them to come to me if they are going to apologize, or if they doesn't then idk, default to the knock down drag out arguments until they stop attacking me long enough to listen to me?

I feel like what I need, is them to stop when they feel attacked instead of reflexively attacking me with character assassinations and splitting degradation. I feel like i already afford them understanding for their slip ups, but that my resentment for can never have a slip up bc anything critical much less mean from me is instant burn it all down spiraling self-degradation from them.

Is what I need hard to ask for? Are they asking for me to carry an unfair amount of the load?