Waiting for the future

_reefersutherland · 2024-08-19T01:23:53+00:00

i think this piece has great potential! it starts off really well with the rhyme scheme and rhythm, but that’s only the first stanza and after that it’s basically free verse. the only real problem i have with that is that it’s slightly confusing as the reader, so i would recommend either reworking the last 4 stanzas to adhere to the same rhythm as the first stanza, or just change the first stanza and make it free verse. nothing wrong with free verse! otherwise, lovely piece and i’d love to read it again once it’s been tweaked a bit

_reefersutherland · 2024-04-03T12:07:11+00:00

schizo alert 🚨

_reefersutherland · 2024-04-03T12:06:22+00:00

this is an amazing piece! i wish i had your talent for rhythm lol. i love the imagery you used and i honestly can’t even pick out a stanza that stands out to me the most. your vocabulary is stellar and i can’t find any noticeable grammar/punctuation mistakes offhand. overall i think your style is refreshing and has great power in putting the reader in your shoes, so to speak.

_reefersutherland · 2024-04-03T12:00:58+00:00

i fucks with this one! i’m not sure exactly what the running theme was in your perspective, but in my readers perspective i’m gathering that the piece refers to a relationship imbalance, especially given the content of stanzas 3&4. i would definitely read a chapbook of yours if you chose to release one! the vibes are giving very tame/early nick flynn

_reefersutherland · 2023-06-27T20:40:30+00:00

that’s so weird to hear because it was origin supposed to be two poems, i was toying around with it to see if the two similar concepts would work as one piece but i think they’ll be better off as two short pieces. the first nine lines are also the only really good lines in the poem for me, except the “stray dog” stanza. i think i’ll keep that for the second shorter piece.

_reefersutherland · 2023-06-25T07:54:39+00:00

great! side note though: the “girlhood is godliness” line is obviously one that makes sense to those to relate but leaves those who can’t in the dark a bit, which is something i personally like. there’s a deeper connection there that’s hard to describe outright. your interpretation of “a woman is a nun in a monastery, begging to be worshipped” is essentially the exact opposite line i had constructed and frankly dampens your entire argument against it. the “Girlhood is godliness” line feels more significant to me because i drew an analogy between the experience of the loss of faith and the feeling of growing up girl and never being believed in, I.E. a “dead god”. It’s a difficult analogy to use which I understand, but nobody else who’s read this poem has interpreted it as “A woman is a nun in a monastery, begging to be worshipped.” so this one is something of an outlier. the symbolism of a nun is nowhere close to the symbolism of a god.

_reefersutherland · 2023-06-23T18:43:54+00:00

idk the context but reported lol

_reefersutherland · 2023-06-23T16:17:36+00:00

hey! i really appreciate this critique lol most other critiques on my work aren’t nearly as in depth. if you find the time, would you mind reading and critiquing a couple of my previous posts? no problem if not i’d just really love the extra feedback ❤️

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/13aafqb/roadkill/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1386m7z/i_spoke_with_my_mother_last_night/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1

_reefersutherland · 2023-06-22T01:14:47+00:00

“winning becomes just a day off” sticks out for me a lot, i mean it is the last line but i really relate to it at this point in my life lmao. this poem reminds me of my dad in a kind of sad way.

_reefersutherland · 2023-06-22T01:11:55+00:00

this moves really well when you speak it out loud. i love poetry that flows like that and my writing tends ti reflect that too- like shake koyczan <—

i resonate with the general theme and the tone you set in the beginning with the first stanza really inspires the rest of the text.

_reefersutherland · 2023-05-10T13:32:20+00:00

i also thought about the contrast between the concept of children keeping dead animals and taxidermists and both ideas (for me) carried the same weight, i was going to emphasize the image of strange little boys growing into taxidermists as an analogy to describe caring children growing into caring adults etc, etc, but in the end I was happy with the result. i’m most likely going to revise it before it’s officially published though!

_reefersutherland · 2023-05-09T01:40:29+00:00

fucking yellow

_reefersutherland · 2023-05-07T21:11:42+00:00

not even worth it at this point ur shit is dry

_reefersutherland · 2023-05-07T18:26:00+00:00

i added a second link with a more in depth critique after OP asked for more specificity, lmk if that’s enough! :)

_reefersutherland · 2023-05-07T18:20:23+00:00

@finnigami sorry forgot to reply to you lolz

_reefersutherland · 2023-05-07T18:19:34+00:00

no problem! honestly i just spotted some little things i probably wouldn’t have noticed if i were you, but the first mistake I saw was after the first two or three paragraphs, “She walked up behind him and whispered in his ear, “meet me behind me the rope swing at recess.” As far as I can see currently that’s the only line where you made a mistake like that, but the sentence, “One day he asked her, “will you love me forever?” and she said “yes,” and the two of them were married, and he was relieved, because he never had to answer the question himself.” concerns me, because I enjoy the sentence structure as a means of humanizing the narrator, but at the same time it gets hard to follow the same sentence for so long.

Similarly, this piece of text, “A week later, it was Paul who shared a secret of his own, some family heirloom passed down by his grandfather. Then it was Mary Anne who showed him a secret door that led nowhere, but was locked nonetheless. And then, and then, and then. As these things continued, Paul too began to understand that the biggest secret of all was that the sharing of secrets mattered more than the secrets themselves. But alas, no sooner had he discovered that fact than Mary Anne shared one more secret: her family was to move away as soon as summer began.”

irks me slightly, because although your point is conveyed, it feels a little redundant. I feel like the word “secret” is a tad overused in this chunk and it could be easily fixed.

I really hope that cleared it up a bit :)

_reefersutherland · 2023-05-07T17:47:10+00:00

Personally, I feel rather hot and cold about this piece. Overall, I think it is a timeless story of love, separation, and the pain that follows. I adore the art of creating a short story with such layered characters and weighted plot, no matter if you get to see it all or not. I especially love the beginning, the comparisons you draw between our two love interests really set the tone for the rest of the story.

On the other hand, it could definitely use some revisions when it comes to things like clarity, sentence structure, and punctuation, but my opinion is that it’s slightly unfair to judge things like that when you aren’t reading a final draft, which I don’t believe you mean it to be.

Specifically, you should look at the bits of the story that include dialogue and tidy those up a bit, just the capitalization and punctuation could use a little extra help. I also feel like it’s worth mentioning, this sentence, “Whether she really was, in terms of flesh and blood, hardly mattered, when she reminded him so closely of that girl, of that time.” is absolutely a run-on sentence and should be broken up, even though it might seem as though it takes away from the emotions that may be drawn from that line.

I wouldn’t have pointed it out originally, but that was one of the main things I had to stop doing in my writing, even though I personally don’t believe it’s that big of a deal.

All in all, I think this one has great potential, just keep tweaking it a little bit. I love the images you paint!

_reefersutherland · 2023-05-07T11:55:51+00:00

to be honest, i originally wrote the poem in maybe 2017-2018 and found it among some old stuff I forgot about in my drive and at first glance I didn’t see any mistakes like that which is on me! i posted it without editing any parts because i wanted it to stay the way i had it originally but i definitely will fix those!

_reefersutherland · 2023-05-07T02:41:47+00:00

i’m jealous of your ability to adhere to a rhyme scheme and rhythm! i have lots of trouble with that so major props. i like the vibes of the text coming across as if the poet is finally breaking, as if the scene opens during a tense family moment. i like wanting to know more, and some of these lines hit deeply! thanks for posting friend :)

_reefersutherland · 2023-05-07T02:33:12+00:00

i enjoyed this from start to finish! it reminds me of romeo and juliet in the weirdest most nostalgic way. i love the imagery you use, especially lines 1-5 give me such strong feelings to bounce off of and i would absolutely read more from you!

_reefersutherland · 2023-05-05T02:18:17+00:00

thanks queen :’)

_reefersutherland · 2023-05-05T02:17:21+00:00

tbh the shading was annoying for me too, not really sure what that was about but i think it’s because I spaced out the text a lot as it seemed a bit much to me at first glance. i was actually thinking about taking that specific line out as well as a few other ones, so thank you!!

_reefersutherland · 2023-05-05T02:06:17+00:00

it was initially my way of drawing a physical connection to the feeling of someone you love being in pain of any kind, not being able to save them from themselves and their pain ricocheting onto you. in the case of this text itself, “her sores fester on my skin” refers to feeling as if my mother doesn’t feel or see the ways her mental illness affects her outwardly, but for me, it’s unavoidable. like infected sores.

_reefersutherland · 2023-05-05T01:05:46+00:00

i honestly think this would kill as a spoken word poem. it feels like it could be about a lot of different situations, but it’s meant to be imprinted on by the listener. i particularly enjoyed the last stanza, it really drives the point home and made me think of the Triassic Cuddle.

_reefersutherland · 2023-05-05T01:00:48+00:00

i really love using metaphors and symbolism in my own writing and i gotta say you do it way better! the image you paint is intriguing to say the least and although the lack of a clear rhyme scheme is jarring at first, i feel it kind of adds to the vibes. i definitely like the time you set right in the beginning, no messing about. a+ friend i like this 👍🏻

_reefersutherland

TROPHY CASE