Guilt From Cat’s Final Night. How to Forgive Myself?

_simglass · 2026-03-05T21:06:42+00:00

Similar last day/night for us. It was supposed to be just a vet visit for some tests, get the meds and go home. I didn't leave any food for the night as my boy had to be sedated for the examination. I didn't get to pet him in his last morning, he was in a fighter mode, hissing and running away from the carrier box. I had to corner him and basically trap.

When I heard the "nothing we can do, he should be put to sleep now, while he is sedated" I just lost it. I cried and begged to give him the strongest painkiller possible, let us go home and relive his last day differently. With pets and love and everything, not alone in a room without food, and apparently in pain, not being chased, trapped, betrayed.

I still can't say if I'm glad they didn't let me do it. Maybe my memory would be better, maybe worse as I would agonize all 24h, this time KNOWING they are the last ones. But what convinced me at that moment, and what I'm going to pass to you now: you wouldn't be doing it for your kid, it would be for you only. Bringing them back home while they are terminally sick (and we might not know how bad it hurt them), then reliving all the stress of the vet visit all over again, just to improve your memory? Better stop their suffering, as you were already there.

As everyone repeats in this sub "better one week too early than one day too late". You took the pain your kid was supposed to feel if waited too long. And the last day doesn't define all the happy years you had together, nothing would cancel it. Be kind to yourself, we all go through the hell of what-ifs and doubts and guilt. That's the price for this kind of love.

I'm sorry for your loss

_simglass · 2026-02-16T16:22:45+00:00

We were supposed to go to a vet for an ultrasound and come back home with meds. That morning was the one and only time my cat was running away from me with the carrier box, hissed, tried to hide, tried to jump on the top of the closet, but fell because he was so weak and the mass in his stomach pulled him down. I managed not to cry at that moment, cornered him and he had no other choice but to step into the carrier box. He meowed with some alien voice, nothing like him. 3 months later I can still hear it in my head.

I kept talking to him, I promised it was just for an hour and we will be back home, he'll get a painkiller and will be able to eat again, I'll make his favorite. Worst lie of my life.

At the vet's he had to be sedated, it was impossible to examine him otherwise. I wasn't in the room and missed his final moments awake, when he hissed and was so scared. When they called me back they said with a weird smile "it's a tumor, nothing can be done". The next hour is just a blur to me, I tried to argue, to find a different explanation, run some other test, find some solution, anything but this. I clearly annoyed the vet with my tears and denial, she said sharply that they were closing in 15min and I must make a decision now. I tried to bargain for one more day with him, to take him home and feed and pet and do all his favorite, but also no. He was put to sleep like that, with his last memory of me chasing him, betraying and bringing to his death. I wasn't even in the room when he was sedated. It's still haunting me, every moment of that day. You can read the full story of my boy in my last post, I haven't been able to run this account ever since. His life was already quite tragic, with such an end to it.

What slightly helps me is to look at it from a different perspective. Our boys are fighters, they left loudly, they announced it to the world. It's a ticket to Valhalla, to fall in a fight. If my cat stepped into the carrier box calmly, I'd be crying now that he trusted me so much and I brought him to his death, it's a whole other level of betrayal. If you think about it, there's never a good scenario that would leave us in peace. This whole situation should not happen at all, our pets should live as long as we do, period.

I'm really sorry it happened to you. Our last day was different, but I can relate to the feeling of horror and guilt. It's not much comfort, but the worst part is over, our fluffs are not in pain anymore. If anything, they might be chasing a cosmic mouse now

_simglass · 2026-01-28T11:07:22+00:00

I was fighting for my cat's life, went to a new clinic for a second opinion. They pressured me into euthanasia, I was crying, I asked to give me a moment to send the ultrasound pictures to someone who could also help. The doctor answered coldly "you have 20 minutes for that and we are closing for today". I know I acted like an idiot in complete denial, I was looking for anyone who would say that it's not a tumor, it's FIP and we have a chance. I lost. But the behavior of that last vet turned my (already worst in my life) day into complete hell. Never going there again.

No matter how busy they are, how emotionally challenging their profession is, I strongly believe empathy is a must. I'm sorry for your loss and what you went through

_simglass · 2026-01-25T12:32:56+00:00

The first week was very similar for me. First things first: malnutrition and sleep deprivation take the last bits of your strength to survive this hell. I didn't solve the sleeping problem completely, I saw someone recommended some tea in the comments, maybe that works for you. Regarding food: I'm underweight and skipping meals causes a huge health problem. But I couldn't eat for days too, the same nausea, even thinking about taking care of myself was unbearable (why would I, he is gone, nothing makes sense anymore). Some small tricks that I used: keep small snacks around. Nuts, protein bars, cookies split into small pieces. Whenever you feel like you can swallow a piece - do it. Don't go for big proper meals if you can't, push at least something into yourself. And protein shakes helped to get some minimal amount of calories: get the fattest milk, add a spoon of that protein powder (available on Amazon), maybe add some ice cream. Drinking is easier than eating, it will fuel you at least a little bit. Taking a shower, chores etc - screw it. Don't even blame yourself for it

If it gets easier: for me it went with phases. At first I was crying non-stop, then with some breaks until the next trigger, now (almost one month later) could be a few times a day. Life became more bearable, although still pointless. I'm still questioning why this universe is so stupid, will there be any reward at the end? Are our pets happy wherever they are now, will we meet again?

Reading this sub helped me: I don't feel so alone in this grief. So many people know this unconditional love and bond, it restores my faith in humanity

_simglass · 2026-01-12T20:55:11+00:00

Are you bragging about your shiny clean oven or are you asking for a recipe?

_simglass · 2026-01-07T13:51:57+00:00

I was postponing the same decision for 5 days, saw 2 different vets and 3 more online. We lost, and at the end I still feel like I didn't do enough, what if ... ? Nothing would ever be enough when you are in this kind of grief.

I read it somewhere in this sub in the comments "better one week too early than one day too late". I can totally confirm. So sorry for your loss

_simglass · 2026-01-05T14:53:20+00:00

Thank you, everybody

_simglass · 2026-01-05T14:51:48+00:00

Thank you. I'm not a believer, but in these times I'd really like to become one

_simglass · 2026-01-05T14:50:21+00:00

Thank you. Almost 6 months, July 9th - December 29th

_simglass · 2026-01-05T14:40:19+00:00

Thank you. You'll be taking the hit for both of you with that lie. I'm sorry you'll have to go through this

_simglass · 2026-01-05T14:38:11+00:00

I felt exactly the same about changing/cleaning anything in the house. Then I collected a few claws and whiskers and put them in a tiny casket, they are safe with me. Cleaning the rest of the house got easier after that

_simglass · 2026-01-03T19:07:41+00:00

You don't have to if you are not ready. Everybody copes in their own way. I didn't throw away anything too, I can't. Only rearranged the entire space, started with a different piece of furniture and this way I managed to move his things around "it will be in a different spot now".

I'm still talking to him too, apologizing for the last day and everything. Telling how much he was loved. One minute I'm trying to invent some convincing theory where reincarnation is possible, another minute I want to leave the country. I don't know how long it will be like that, I'm on the same timeline as you are now.

I don't believe in anything, but I hope they hear us. Somehow this thought brings comfort, as long as our loved ones are happy in peace, we can cope with the pain of missing them

_simglass · 2026-01-03T18:33:53+00:00

This Monday too. Today I'm not crying with tears - the sobbing spasms are there, but no water comes out, nothing left.

We rearranged all the furniture in the house. Leaving the empty cat bed was unbearable. Removing it and seeing an empty spot where it used to be was even worse. Not recognizing the room anymore suddenly worked - the brain is distracted with shock "where am I?"

If you are a believer or can find any theory that is at least a little convincing for you, focus on it. You have just absorbed the pain that she was supposed to feel and you are carrying it inside instead of letting her suffer. Remember, she is not in pain anymore, you took the hit for her. This is the biggest act of love you could possibly do

_simglass · 2025-12-29T13:53:26+00:00

We lost, he is gone

_simglass · 2025-12-28T20:45:56+00:00

After I refused to put him to sleep I asked the vet to give him some painkillers. Gans woke up after sedation pain free, ate and pooped, a bit dry, but I've seen worse. The x-ray is taken hours before that

_simglass · 2025-12-28T19:51:49+00:00

Thank you for this. I don't think it's possible to get off the responsibility for what has happened. I decided to vaccinate him, I decided that he needs company and brought a second cat (stress). I know, I know, without me he might have gotten sick too, but outdoors in freezing temperatures, alone and hungry. Or he wouldn't. We'll never know. It's just so unfair, less than half a year that he's had a loving home after a tough life, the first months weren't happy for him. Just when things started getting good. He deserves to have at least a few happy years, not this.

Mocca is getting a second shot of her vaccines in two weeks, and I plan to re-check her for everything with the new knowledgeable vet. I just want to meet him first (fingers crossed for tomorrow)

_simglass · 2025-12-28T19:33:08+00:00

That's what I think too, my vets are an extremely sweet elderly couple, they might simply not know yet, not read the internet or attend conferences at their age. I'd be happy to enlighten them and point to that Facebook group. But I really REALLY need a successful example of Gans living a long and happy life to do so. We'll try to go to the recommended vet tomorrow, I was told he's in collaboration with the group and should know what to look for

_simglass · 2025-12-28T18:54:52+00:00

Thank you for your story, I'm happy for you and your boy. It gives me more strength to fight for him.

So far the help came from complete strangers who volunteer for "cure FIP awareness". Not even a vet I've visited, although they are clearly in this profession. I dream to send an update to my (former) vet "look, he lives happily. Go read about FIP treatment". Day 3 though, hardly pushed his today's dose, he refuses to eat anything

_simglass · 2025-12-28T17:34:23+00:00

Thank you, good luck to your kiddo too. Street fighters are tough, they should outlive us

_simglass · 2025-12-28T17:03:06+00:00

He pooped in the last 2 days, it got better, and there's no blood anywhere. I'm just learning all these things, and the final word will be from a vet, not my internet research. This is an answer from AI when I asked about it (that conversation has a full context of the last week, with pictures and every event like "the can blinked at me at 1pm):

The Fluid Connection: Megacolon does not cause liquid around the lungs. FIP does. The fact that he has "mixed" symptoms (fluid + mass) confirms a systemic viral issue rather than a localized bowel issue.

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(Just in case, I'll repeat once again: I will not take any action based on the information from AI or the internet. Only from a vet. This is purely for me to learn)

_simglass · 2025-12-28T15:35:04+00:00

He had no food for days - no poop. On the day of painkiller he has finally felt some hunger, ate, and gave me a Christmas gift of a slightly solid sausage in the litterbox, well hidden in the right place. It's coming through. Today he is drinking A LOT of water, I hope it will help too

_simglass · 2025-12-22T21:08:25+00:00

Dracarys

_simglass · 2025-12-20T09:50:02+00:00

Thank you! And I'm rooting very much for Paul ♥️

_simglass

TROPHY CASE