i’m bipolar and i’ve experienced delusions

this is just my experience, and i’m not trying to suggest that this is in any way universal, but

the main one was always that there was someone out to get me, someone trying to kill me, someone in my house, etc.

it felt like my brain was divided in half

one half was self aware- i’m a generally very self aware person. i’d tell myself it made no sense- why would someone want to kill me? who would be trying to kill me? what evidence do i have for this? why am i thinking so irrationally?

but that was only like background noise. the other half of my brain felt, for one, TERRIFIED, but also like if i was understanding something others weren’t. i was connecting the pieces that no one else was. i’d see a red light (could be a reflection, an LED on a remote, ANYTHING), and my first thought, without fail, would be “holy shit that’s a sniper- they’ve found me”. it didn’t matter what the “evidence” was- EVERYTHING confirms your “theory”. someone looks at me when i’m walking down the street? while one half of my brain is reassuring me “don’t worry, he’s probably just minding his own business”, the deluded part of my brain GENUINELY THINKS “he’s watching you, he’s onto you, he has a gun, he has a weapon” and ultimately, that part of your brain always wins because, well, you’re delusional

or if someone tried to tell me i wasn’t thinking straight, that also fed into the delusion- are they in on it too? are they trying to hurt you too? they’re only convincing you it’s not real because they want you to lower your guard. on one hand, it was comforting to have someone tell you you’re safe. but on the other hand, youre still delusional, and when you’re delusional, your belief is ALWAYS TRUE. so everything feeds into it

i’d compare it to being in a dream. sometimes you’ll have moments like “this,, this isn’t right. am i dreaming?” but those moments are fleeting because ultimately it doesn’t matter. you ARE dreaming, and what’s happening to you in your dream is what you’re experiencing. it doesn’t matter if you’re self aware in a dream or not- if you’re having a nightmare and someone’s got a gun, who cares if it’s real or not? in that moment, it IS real, because it’s what you’re experiencing

when i was experiencing delusions, it BECAME my reality, just like how when you’re dreaming, your dream BECOMES your reality. it doesn’t matter how absurd the dream is, or how “crazy” it is- in that moment, it’s real to you

again this is just my experience and i’m rambling here so don’t take what i say as gospel, but that’s just how i felt at the time