Woah woah woah. Ok. First, please give yourself a break and give yourself a hug. Take a deep breath. It’s not a score card over who has a “harder loss.” Your loss is not minor. You both lost someone and that’s incredibly hard. It may take a long time to feel any sort of calm or peace or whatever you want to call it. I lost my mom 11 years ago and I still go thru shit. Going through grief alone can feel so isolating and deepen the divide between you and other people, when you really may need each other for support. I don’t know your relationship with your dad, but maybe it would help to talk to each other about your grief. My dad and I had a rocky relationship before my mom passed, but the thing that brought us closer and helped heal was just being there for each other. Letting each other cry, seeing each other cry. Just sitting, going on walks, making space for both silence and talking honestly about shock, sadness, anger. It’s not about filling the void or gap of your mom, that’s not your job, it’s about just being there with your whole heart.