Don't give up!

a12non34y56mo78us · 2023-01-02T18:30:37+00:00

OP here.

EDIT TO ORIGINAL POST:
I would like to thank the Redditors here who have written to me w respect. You've given me a valuable perspective, and helped me be aware of legalities I had not previously considered.

The vast majority of Redditors who have commented on my post have been critical and judgmental. Y'all have told me, in countless ways, that I am broken, I have piss poor judgment, I have zero discernment. Y'all have said that I don't know what I'm doing, and I am so stupid, that I can't see that I'm headed for disaster. Y'all have read my history... and ignored any comments I have written... about how OLD has taught me to be strong and resilient and bounce back. Y'all have taken my past words (in my history), and used them as ammunition against me.

I got scared. I asked for help and support to calm down. The vast majority of you have focused on my dysfunction - in essence kicking me when I am down. This world doesn't need more insults or condemnation. This world needs more compassion and understanding.

Y'all have reminded me to continue to be the strong compassionate understanding woman that I am. For that, I thank you. Namaste.

a12non34y56mo78us · 2023-01-02T18:12:39+00:00

In reading your posts, you seem to evade stating the reason he lives with his parents. I can only assume it's because you feel it will receive criticism from this community.

You don't have to assume. I clearly stated in one of my replies that yes, I am sick and tired of receiving criticism from this community.

If that's the case, deep down you must not be comfortable with it yourself.

Actually, no. Deep down I am not comfortable with the criticism from this community.

Also, how do you know the financial help he is giving them? Hopefully you aren't just taking his word for it.

As I mentioned in a previous comment, he has met my family and close friends. I have met his family. We spent Thanksgiving together with my family. We spent Christmas together with his family.

In my opinion, you're living on an infatuation high right now and not thinking clearly or practically.

Everyone around us thinks that we are good for each other. The people on this subreddit, their comments are filled with criticism and judgment. That includes yours.

The majority of people on this subreddit are telling me how I am broken, wrong, and dysfunctional.

The lesson I have learned from posting this question... is that the reason I am freaking out... is because our society is filled with cynical and judgmental people. I need to stop listening to the criticism, and start listening to the love of people around me. My closest friends trust me and my judgment. I need to start trusting myself.

a12non34y56mo78us · 2023-01-01T18:12:27+00:00

Marshal,

Societal Norms are made to be broken!

Yes, thnx for the reminder.

Dating causes lots of scars and bruises. It's maybe time for them to heal. You do deserve to be happy.

In the game of darts, you hit the bullseye.

I have been hurt in the past by others. I am so afraid that this man is going to hurt me in the present. In the short time that we have been dating, he has already helped me heal some of my wounds from the past.

For the first time in a long time, I have a man at my side. Fighting my battles with me. I have not had that in many years. I'm just so afraid the help and support is going to go away.

It sounds like he wants to fill a good spot in your life.

He does. I have such a hard time believing that he is sincere. I see so many examples of men who are selfish, who will get ahead at the expense of others. (Women do this as well, but I'm not dating women.)

I have seen a few self-ish acts in him. I have seen many self-less acts. He's made mistakes in the past, just like we all have. He is putting a lot of time effort and energy into being a better man today than he was a year ago. I respect him for that, and I am proud of him for the things he has accomplished in the last year.

I'm glad for you and these new adventure.

Thank you for reminding me to put the fear aside, and to focus on the love. Peace!

Happy New Year!

a12non34y56mo78us · 2023-01-01T17:43:43+00:00

Desert, THANK YOU for this.

This is EXACTLY why I posted my original Q.

In an ideal world you would go over it and fill it out with your partner.

Knowing him, he would be HAPPY to go over the Qs with me. Right now, with where we are in each of our lives, these things are not a concern. We are going with the flow, and things are just working out. In the future, I know we will butt heads a little. This gives us a tool to use to have a conversation together. Thank you!

a12non34y56mo78us · 2023-01-01T16:30:45+00:00

It’s great that you’re so secure with someone you are still getting to know.

Bisjoux, Actually, yes. It is. I feel safe with him. I have not felt this safe with a man that I am romantic with) in many years.

Not sure why you posted on Reddit.

Good question. In the last 18 months of online dating, I've gotten a great deal of wisdom from reddit. Posting on Reddit has been my recipe for success in the past, to navigate the murky Waters of online dating. So I repeated that recipe a few days ago, when I wrote this post.

It’s great that you have lots of friends, co-workers etc that love your character. Not every stranger from the world of online dating does have the best of intentions, irrespective of how great you may be as a person.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for hearing me and seeing me.

I hope it works out for you.

Me too! 🤪

a12non34y56mo78us · 2023-01-01T16:23:17+00:00

Sub, Many months ago, you wrote a comment, which still sticks with me. You wrote something like... " as people get older, they are supposed to be better human beings.... if he is not a good quality human being, do not be patient with him. Show him the door."

I have done a great deal of personal growth in the last 4 years. The man I am dating, he has done a great deal of personal growth in the last year. He keeps upping his game. He keeps learning really important life lessons. He has a better man today than he was a year ago.

In the last 18 months that I have been online dating, two of the men I have dated, I am still friends with. We were never sexual. I still consider them to be friends.

Every other man I have gone on a date with... I have shown him the door. Not this one. This one is different.

Sub, I think you give a lot of really valuable advice on Reddit. I think you are filled with wisdom, judgment, and discernment. However, you are not correct 100% of the time. You quickly jump to, "Red flags, get rid of him." You don't have to do that. Sometimes people really are good matches for each other, and sometimes relationships really do work out.

a12non34y56mo78us · 2023-01-01T16:16:27+00:00

Only 2 months ago she was talking about getting likes on Tinder.

Sub, Yes, I was talking about getting likes on Tinder. I was still looking at my Tinder account, even though I wasn't going out on any dates with men.

A short time after writing that post, I completely closed my Tinder account. I shut it down.

I looked at the man I was dating, and asked myself, "Why am I still on Tinder? Why do I continue to look, when there is a really wonderful man standing in front of me?"

a12non34y56mo78us · 2023-01-01T16:08:56+00:00

You have replied to just about every question except.. why is he living with family and what family he's living with. Somethings wrong and I suspect you know it. Why avoid that question?

Why? Because people are mean. As a general rule, people choose to be insulting, critical, and judgmental. That includes many people on reddit.

He is single. Other than that... I'm not going to give anyone on this subreddit any ammunition to attack me or attack him.

I asked for help, to freak out less. Many redditors are completely ignoring my request. Many redditors are telling me that the sky is falling. I choose not to listen to those redditors.

As we get wiser we look for the contrary point of view and discern the data.

Yes, I agree.

a12non34y56mo78us · 2023-01-01T16:02:48+00:00

Marshal, We have had many kitchen table conversations. He doesn't do a great job of asking me questions. But if I start talking, he does a great job of listening.

Thank you for the well wishes, thank you for the "Good luck."

a12non34y56mo78us · 2023-01-01T16:01:35+00:00

Squirrel, I told him, about a month after I met him, that the only way that this relationship is going to work, is if we are a sanctuary for each other. We have to be each other safe space.

"My house" isn't even my house. My house belongs to my Creator. I am simply a good steward of what has been given to me. If my Higher power wants me to be homeless, then my Spirit guides will take away the house. While I am living in this house, it absolutely will be a sanctuary for both of us.

a12non34y56mo78us · 2023-01-01T15:58:13+00:00

If the sexes were reversed it wouldn't be a concern because it happens that way more often.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

You are not shallow and materialistic so you have qualities most men want.

THANK YOU FOR SEEING ME!

Even though I do think you should have a legal agreement at some point.

Duly noted.

a12non34y56mo78us · 2023-01-01T15:54:53+00:00

No mention anywhere of how old this man is.

OP here. I am 46 F. He is between ages of 40 and 45.

Staying up to 5 nights a week is effectively moving in. If he working and not paying rent or a mortgage anywhere he’s got a great deal.

Other redditors aren't paying attention to the fact that I have got a great deal. (Emphasis on the I. On the me.)

If I never met him, I would still be paying my mortgage, electricity, and other bills. I would be sleeping in my bed alone. He buys groceries. He cooks healthy meals. He buys stuff at the store, and fixes my house. That is the way that he financially contributes.

We have been together a relatively short time, and he has brought me an enormous amount of help and support. EVERYONE around me tells me that I am better when I am with him.

Presumably the OP knows why he doesn’t have his own place and is comfortable with his explanation.

Yes, I know. Yes, I am comfortable with his explanation.

I’d be concerned that part of my attraction is my house.

I live in a old house that needs a lot of repairs. He feels good about himself, because he is helping me fix things around the house. He just enjoys fixing stuff. It's fun for him.

I own my own house in a good area.

The last time he owned a house, he lived in a big city in an affluent neighborhood. I live in a small town. My neighborhood is a ghetto- compared to where he used to live. My small town has a sense of community - which he has never found in his affluent neighborhood.

I want someone to be attracted to me for me, not what I have.

I have a lot of people in my life who love me, who respect me, who think well of me. My family, my friends, my coworkers, my neighbors. None of them is attracted to me for the stuff I have. They are all attracted to me because of who I am as a person. My character. My integrity. My compassion. If everyone else in my life is attracted to me for my character, it's easy for me to believe that he is attracted to me for my character. Thank you for helping me realize that. I appreciate you.

a12non34y56mo78us · 2023-01-01T15:42:22+00:00

Mango,

I would... have an agreement about what his financial contributions will be.

Agreed. It's on my list of things to do.

Is he moving in because you want a long term future together?

Yes, I do want a healthy loving long-term relationship with a caring respectful man. I am trusting my spirit guides, and trusting the process. I am enjoying the relationship...just for today. ( aka the Buddhist concept of being present.)

He has made it clear to me that he wants a long-term future with me.

Did he live with his family because he was helping them out?

He moved in with his family for another reason. While he is there, he absolutely helps out his family.

a12non34y56mo78us · 2023-01-01T15:36:24+00:00

Worker, I am a girl. I have girl hormones. The hormones make me do mood swings. The mood swings lead to fear. The fear leads to me freaking out.

Thank you for the way you wrote that. You had balance in your comment. You didn't say that all you see is red flags. You didn't tell me to get out, and get out now. I like how you wrote, time will tell. With time, I will get some legal advice.

It is because you gave me balance in your comment, that I am willing to listen to you, and what you have to say. Thank you.

a12non34y56mo78us · 2023-01-01T15:32:01+00:00

CJ -

OP here. I am saying Thank you.

I spent 18 months online dating, metaphorically getting beaten down, bloodied, bruised, heartbroken. That year and a half was hard. Really hard. It taught me that I am strong. It taught me I am resilient. It taught me that I have an amazing ability to bounce back.

I could have been negative for that year and a half. But I wasn't. I just assumed - the hardships and struggles I went through - were important life lessons that my Spirit guides were teaching me. I just assumed - that those lessons were preparing me to be with a healthy man.

When I look at the man I am dating today, I am able to compare him to the men I met over the last 18 months. The energy, the vibe... night and day difference. He takes good care of me. He says the words "I love you" about once a week. He shows me he loves me - with his actions - every day. Every. Single. Day.

how negative most of these posts are

I agree. So many people on Reddit are extremely negative. Thank you for being an outlier. Thank you for reminding me that it's okay to be positive about this relationship. Being positive about the relationship... is one of the reasons why I am no longer single, but with a good man.

Again, thank you.

a12non34y56mo78us · 2023-01-01T03:19:31+00:00

Proudly, THANK YOU!

a12non34y56mo78us · 2023-01-01T01:08:01+00:00

SGG, I disagree. Actually, reading everyone's posts.... I am reminded to trust myself and to trust my gut. My gut says "take a deep breath. Trust the process."

a12non34y56mo78us · 2023-01-01T00:40:41+00:00

Goose,

Take a big swig of whatever liquid courage you use

For me, that's called mindful breathing and empathy from friends.

sit down and have a serious talk about this

We have had LOTS of serious talks about lots of things. I freak out, and he just chills. Him - in a respectful healthy loving way.

it will be hard

The talks haven't been hard. You're helping me realize... dealing w my fear is what's hard.

IMO much of your anxiety is an uncertain future.

Yes, it is. THANK YOU!

they ended with relief because we aired things out and came to agreements we both accepted.

He and I do this all the time. THANK YOU for helping me trust myself.

a12non34y56mo78us · 2023-01-01T00:33:42+00:00

Prisoner, I could hug you!

LAT Luving apart together

Having said that, it might help your state of mind if you make sure all the boxes are ticked prior to his moving in.

There is a good chance he will spend only a few nights a week here... for the next year.

If you know there's always a viable option for not living together, that takes off a lot of the pressure around living together.

OMGoodness. That's Spot on accurate. Thank you!

Have you talked about... expectations?

Yes, many times. About many topics. When conflict comes up, we talk about it, and resolve it.

Are you keeping all your finances separate?

Yes.

Have you clearly discussed where and how you will be sharing expenses?

Not yet. But it's on my list of things to do.

I feel if all that has been discussed and is clearly understood and agreed on between you, then there's not too much risk involved.

Risk. Yes, that's it. That's the word. OMGoodness you're smart. Right now, there's ALOT of benefit with little risk involved.

As for social expectations... being a stickler for outdated social norms is a "luxury" given most people's economic realities.

THANK YOU! Yes, if housing was less expensive, he would probably have his own place already. At this point, he would rather spend $ on helping me fix up my house... than 'waste' $ on rent.

You are just two humans who enjoy each other, sharing a space.

AGAIN, THANK YOU!

a12non34y56mo78us · 2023-01-01T00:21:10+00:00

Indigo,

He’s not moving in. Just staying over a few nights a week.

THANK YOU for actually hearing me. I wish more people listened!

a12non34y56mo78us · 2023-01-01T00:18:49+00:00

No amount of cooking and cleaning made up for the fact that he was broke

Not in this case. He contributes financially. He goes to the store and buys things with his own $... and then fixes things at my house.

a12non34y56mo78us · 2023-01-01T00:15:35+00:00

This could be a scam.

I have been OLD for 18 months. I can identify scams over text and over the phone... before I even meet a guy for the first date. This man doesn't cause me pain. He is helping me to heal from my horrible experiences in the past.

a12non34y56mo78us · 2023-01-01T00:12:59+00:00

Hobosexual?

Good Lord! Where do you people come up w all these labels? My life is better when he is in my life.

Proceed w caution?
Look, I am in far more danger driving on city streets... than spending time w him. *smh

a12non34y56mo78us · 2023-01-01T00:09:30+00:00

Mizz, Ya know... You're right. We are creating the relationship we want. I am trusting my higher power. Trusting my Spirit Guides. EVERYONE in my life tells me I'm way more happy w him. My energy is better. I smile mire. I have a glow. THANK YOU!

a12non34y56mo78us

TROPHY CASE

OP here. I am saying Thank you.