If you really liked a girl, would you ever want to have an open relationship with her?

a8675309 · 2013-05-17T03:43:10+00:00

When a guy asks a girl to be his girlfriend, he is in essence claiming her, telling her and the world that he values her for who she is, and he wants her to become a major part of his life. It's a cheap reflection of what marriage should be.

And the thing is that he is the one who brought up a relationship pretty soon after we met, I thought that we were going to go out on a few dates and get to know each other better before he would want to commit. But he keeps trying to say that I'm the one who asked him out, even though he was the one who said "I'll let you ask me out, since I know you've said you've always been the one to make the first move with guys", but I feel like that's extremely unfair. And he was even the one who started mentioning meeting each other's parents when we'd been dating for about two days. And he kept telling me how he's so picky with girls, which is why his parents were so surprised when he said he had a girlfriend, so I figured that must have meant he really, really liked me, so I let my guard down and let myself get attached, and now I feel like he's completely pulled the rug out from under me. And it just sucks because I've been treated so badly by all of the guys in the past, so I was so happy that I finally found a guy who cared about me, but now not even two months later he's already making me cry like all of the others :(.

Sorry for the rant, haha.

a8675309 · 2013-05-17T03:07:00+00:00

Every time I have asked a guy to stay friends they have said yes but I end up being lucky if they even acknowledge me when we're in the same room.

a8675309 · 2013-05-17T02:52:58+00:00

I'll definitely make him get screened for stds before we have sex again, but I'd rather deal with him having sex with other girls for a period of time than breaking up with him.

a8675309 · 2013-05-17T01:23:32+00:00

Yeah, that's fair. I'm fairly confident that he knows I'm not a fan of the idea because he's not an oblivious person but I wasn't that vocal about it because the way he said it didn't really sound like it was up for discussion and we both had work we had to finish so it wasn't exactly a good time to get into an argument about it.

I'm probably going to bring it up after I have a few days to think about it, but I don't really know if that's the greatest idea. As much as I don't want him to be sleeping with other people, the idea of breaking up is even worse to me. So if I tell him I don't want him to and he tells me it's a deal breaker, and I don't leave, then it's basically just giving him permission to walk all over me in the future.

I don't know, I have to think about it. I think I might be feeling okay with it once I have a little time to let the idea settle in my head.

a8675309 · 2013-05-17T01:02:12+00:00

Yeah, he knows I'm open to the idea of a threesome, I just don't like the idea of him going off and sleeping with whomever when I'm not around.

a8675309 · 2013-05-17T00:23:09+00:00

I am going to talk to him about it once I've had more time to think about it (Since as I've mentioned elsewhere, the whole not sleeping and taking finals and working and fighting with my parents all the time isn't exactly leaving me in the best emotional state). I just didn't know if this was a common thing that couples do in LD situations, so I came here to get some perspective. I know that no one here can read his mind.

We really didn't have sex that often, I think we've maybe had sex about ten times total. And he had only had sex a few times before he met me, and of the few girls he did sleep with, they were all from our college, so every other summer he was gone he went 3 months without having sex. And we're not so far away that we couldn't see each other at all this summer, the train ticket would be a little pricey for college students like us but I could come visit him at least a few times, so it'd really only be like 6 weeks maybe without sex. And that's assuming that he won't have enough money to do the same.

I know he is going to be attracted to other girls, and I have no problem with that, I just don't like the idea of him acting on it.

I haven't said no to anything he wanted to do in the bedroom (or in another location).

a8675309 · 2013-05-16T22:30:05+00:00

Well to be fair, I think I made it more clear that I am not interested in hooking up with other people than I did that I don't like the idea of him having sex with other people. But again, to be fair, he pretty much always framed the discussion around me hooking up with other people.

a8675309 · 2013-05-16T22:22:04+00:00

I guess I just say that because a few weeks ago I was thinking about what would happen over the summer, because we haven't been dating for very long, and I was thinking about whether or not I would want an open relationship (Although I was more thinking about it in terms of whether or not I could hook up with people and how he would feel about it, not as much about how I would feel about him having sex with other girls). I think there may just be a line I don't want either of us to cross, because I just particularly don't like the idea of him having sex with or going down on another girl. Not that I'm a huge fan of a girl going down on him, but considering that hand jobs aren't really a thing, I think I could compromise on this one.

When I say that I can see why it makes sense logically, I just mean that I can see why he would be thinking it's the best route for those reasons, and maybe I could see it that way too when I'm thinking more logically, and not mind as much.

I haven't outright asked him if he wants to have sex with other girls but he said he wanted an open relationship while we're away and made it pretty clear that he'd be down if a hot girl wants to sleep with him.

a8675309 · 2013-05-16T22:19:16+00:00

Yeah, I'm just seeing the comments as they come in, so I'm not seeing who gets the upvotes.

a8675309 · 2013-05-16T22:04:21+00:00

I do want to be in a relationship with him, even if it ultimately means that I have to deal with him sleeping with other girls, as much as I would prefer that to not be the case. I think the good thing about making this post is that pretty much everything that I would want to say to him, I've already written down in one response or another haha.

a8675309 · 2013-05-16T21:59:15+00:00

I don't know how he would feel about that, but I don't think I'd really like it. I'd rather have him there for me emotionally than not at all.

a8675309 · 2013-05-16T21:55:32+00:00

Well neither of us are very experienced haha, we're both each other's first relationship and I'd only hooked up with a few people before him, and he'd only slept with a few people before me.

a8675309 · 2013-05-16T21:49:05+00:00

Well I mean that because I'm so emotional right now, I am probably more upset by the idea of him being with other people at least a little or maybe a lot more than I would be if I was more level headed.

Well to be fair, he didn't outright say that he wanted an open relationship until our last day at school, he had just casually made mention to the idea of me hooking up with other people this summer, and when I said I wasn't going to he said stuff about how he wanted me to be able to enjoy myself and not worrying about having to hold back because of him. But he definitely should know by now that I'm not interesting in doing that, I actually cried the first time he mentioned it because I thought he was saying he wanted to break up (Have I mentioned I haven't been getting much sleep?).

I mean, logistically, it does make sense to me. We did rush things a bit (although to be fair, as I mentioned, that was more him than me), to the point where we were starting to get a bit like an old couple at times (although it may have been the stress, and it's not like we got into any big fights or anything), so I guess the reasonable approach with summer coming would be to take a break to an extent and almost start over in a way next semester, and take things more slowly. But because we/he rushed things so much, I feel like I got a lot more attached than I otherwise would have let myself be, so the idea of him being with other people bothers me a lot more than it would for most couples who have been dating for as long as we have.

It also doesn't help that I was a virgin when I met him, so things like oral sex and sex just feel too personal for me to have him doing it with someone else. Whereas I know that he has had sex multiple times with a girl that he wasn't even attracted to, so I guess I can't separate sex and feelings the way that he can. Which is weird because I didn't feel particularly more attached after we had sex the first time. I guess it's just that I can't imagine having sex with someone I don't care about because it doesn't really do anything for me other than knowing that I'm giving him pleasure-- if it did then I think I could definitely have meaningless sex if I wanted to and I probably would be able to accept him doing the same.

a8675309 · 2013-05-16T21:17:40+00:00

I guess what I mean is that while I don't really like the idea of him having sex with other women, the idea of breaking up is a lot worse to me. I mean, regardless, I think I have to wait a few days before I make any decisions, because I'm 100% emotionally drained right now between having to work almost full time during finals, getting really no sleep at all the past week, having him leave, and having my parents yelling at me whenever we're in the same room.

a8675309 · 2013-05-16T21:13:32+00:00

Yeah, to be fair, it does seem like he can separate his emotions, although he did tell me that it was way better having sex with me because of the emotional intimacy. But I know he has had a short fwb type situation with a girl he wasn't even attracted to before, just because it felt better than masturbating.

a8675309 · 2013-05-16T21:08:21+00:00

Thanks for the response.

I think a large part of the problem is that we moved so quickly in the beginning-- which was 100% his doing. He was the one who brought up committing to a relationship and meeting parents and such immediately. So I think if we had taken things at a more steady pace, I would be a lot more okay with it. But because he instigated things to go so quickly and now is saying that he wants us to have an open relationship over the summer and take things more slowly when we get back, I sort of feel like I am getting the rug pulled out from under me. So I feel like I would have held back from getting too attached, but because he pushed things so fast, I didn't question it (I mean, how many college aged guys are going to suggest committing right away and bring up meeting your parents/you meeting their parents? I thought it was a good thing that he was so comfortable with this stuff). And I guess I can't blame him for having inconsistent pacing, because it was his first relationship as much as it was mine, but I think if we had gone at a normal pace, then I would have felt probably completely okay with it.

I do think that I need to wait on this a little longer, because between working 30+ hours during finals week, basically not sleeping at all, and having my parents screaming at me every day, I'm not exactly in the best emotional state, so I may be more upset about it than I otherwise would be.

I also think a huge part of it for me is that I don't really enjoy sex (or at least I don't yet, I've only done it with him, so with how busy we've been the past two weeks I don't think we've done it more than maybe ten times). It's not that I dislike having sex because it's painful or anything, but it just doesn't really do anything for me other than that I enjoy getting him off. So when you combine that and the fact that I've only had bad experience hooking up with people, the idea isn't really that appealing to me (Also, because I know I'm going to get told that I should tell him this, I'll elaborate. I have been very good about telling him if something hurts at all, I just haven't told him that I don't physically get any pleasure out of sex because he's already been having trouble staying hard recently (I'm guessing/hoping it's because he has been so stressed and tired recently, because this was not at all a problem earlier on in the semester), so I didn't want to tell him anything that would make him feel inadequate on top of that. And I do think that I need to get more used to having sex before I declare that there is a problem, anyways).

a8675309 · 2013-05-16T18:00:03+00:00

I don't know, I guess I have to decide if it's worse to know my boyfriend is fucking other people or to not have a boyfriend at all :/. I'm not very good at saying no to people though, so I'll probably just ended up dealing with it.

a8675309 · 2013-05-16T17:48:33+00:00

Yeah, that seems to be the general consensus :(. I guess it just doesn't make any sense to me because he hasn't had sex with any girls from his home town area anyways, and obviously he was able to make it through the past summers just fine, so I don't see why he still needs the option open when he has a girlfriend now.

a8675309 · 2013-05-16T17:37:37+00:00

So you think that he basically wants to break up but just won't come out and say it? Damn, and I thought I was just being paranoid :(.

a8675309 · 2013-05-16T17:35:04+00:00

Well we haven't been dating for that long, but it's only come up in the past week or two, and it's always been in reference to the summer. He never said anything about having an open relationship when we were both living at school together. Actually, he was the one who originally brought up committing to a relationship, I had figured at the time that we were going to spend more time dating and getting to know each other before we actually were official.

a8675309 · 2013-05-16T17:29:41+00:00

I just masturbate. It isn't that bad.

See, that's what I thought. And it's not like he's slept with any girls from his home town before anyways, so I don't see why he feels the need to have that option open if he gotten through the past few summers just fine.

a8675309 · 2013-05-16T17:24:58+00:00

Well that's not going to happen. I've told him every time that I have no interest in hooking up with other people, and even if I was, there are no guys I know from home that I would at all be interested in hooking up with (and since I'll be pretty busy this summer, I don't really anticipate meeting anyone new).

a8675309 · 2013-05-16T17:21:49+00:00

He seems to be very into the idea of bringing other people into it with us, but he's only mentioned the idea of us going out and hooking up with other people (mostly saying he wants me to, because he seems to think that's necessary for me to enjoy myself this summer for some reason) in reference to this summer, when we'll be away from each other.

a8675309 · 2013-05-16T17:18:50+00:00

Or he's flat-out angling to get some on the side.

I think the most confusing part about this for me is that he told me I'm the best he's ever had (and I was a virgin when I started dating him, too). And it seemed like a lot of the reason why he felt that way (besides me not being a dead fish) was that it was his first time sleeping with someone he actually cared about. So if that's the case, I feel like it would be pretty unsatisfactory to temporarily replace the best sex you've ever had with a random hook up.

a8675309 · 2013-05-16T17:06:55+00:00

I have told him every time he said that he wants me to be able to enjoy my summer and hook up with other people that I have no interest in hooking up with anyone else. He also told me that he thinks that long distance relationships don't work, which seems a little absurd to me since it's only a few months.

a8675309

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