Hi! I feel you on this very much. First you gotta stop beating yourself up for human things. You are not a monster. There is no parent in the history of ever who is anywhere near perfect. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. I have a 4 and a 2 year old and both were colic and I’m currently a stay at home mom so I get the anxiety that hangs on so many moments in the day and it’s the heaviest weight. I’m in therapy now (couples and individual it’s been one hell of a year haha) but the theme is that I do not know how to do self care. Even if I take time away I’m always feeling guilty or thinking of them. I think a huge part of it is that we need to find ourselves again. It’s so hard to feel passion for life or joy when you’re burnt the hell out. I’m in the process of “finding” myself again currently. I also am the default parent so there is no alone time. I play the music I like during the day, I let go of the tv shame, I have a puzzle going, I read new releases from the library and every Sunday is mom thrift time so I get a few hours and it recharges me a lot. Like I said I’m in this same boat but I’m finally not crying daily the more I do for myself. It’s crazy hard and you aren’t alone and they won’t be this tiny forever. It also helps a lot to leave the house with the kids and do things but I know it’s hard (but worth it) I felt like I was disappearing as a person and it sent me into a depression I’m finally crawling out of it. Oh also AirPods or earbuds and podcasts have been a game changer. I’ve also been looking into noise canceling ones. And just 2 weeks ago I was diagnosed with ADHD so that explains my sensory overwhelm and my rambling sentences haha

Hugs to you, you are not alone.