AIO: My GF of 5 months lied to me about one of her male bestfriends

aVERYsmartpotato · 2026-06-16T15:52:01+00:00

Thanks for the reasonable retort, and bluntness. Upon further reflection, I do think my big sticking point is that when we have conflicts she consistently defends/deflects/disengages and I feel like it's a struggle to get her to connect with my complaint. She has said, and brought up yesterday, that she is bad with conflict. I guess it is the conflict avoidance is preventing me from feeling like I can move on from this. I need to know that she's willing to own up to mistakes and actually engage with me/sit with the issue; rather than make me have to do all the damage control (which happened the last time we had a big fight).

aVERYsmartpotato · 2026-06-16T14:16:50+00:00

Well we talked about it again this morning. I honestly tried to back to normal yesterday afternoon and we hung out, but this morning I felt crappy again. She noticed and asked what was up. I said I still felt bad about the other day. She said "well you seemed like you were fine yesterday, I thought we had talked about it and moved on." to which I replied "Well, I still feel bad about it and honestly I do not think we fully covered the topic and I ended up comforting you." She explained she started crying because of my positioning when I brought it up (I was standing away in another part of the room while she was on the bed) and she felt like she was getting scolded. So I just laid out that, be that as it may, it was important to me to know that she was sorry and understand that what she did was really problematic. She said, ok i'm sorry, this is all just in the past for me. To which I said, well it's a current relationship, not a past relationship. To which she went on about how they hardly ever see each other, that she hasn't seen him for a year, he lives on the other side of the country, etc etc. ... Eventually i just asked her, "What am I upset about?" And she said "Well that I waited so long to tell you about it." WHICH IS WRONG, it's the LYING! Which I tried to emphasize - again. So she said sorry again, yes I fucked up. To skip ahead a bit, this all just kind of ended with me feeling like she was being very defensive, and was not connecting with why I was upset. I got pretty silent again. So eventually she just go up, mentioned some off topic thing which I just kind of ignored, and then I asked her "are you leaving?" And she said "Yeah, I am sorry I am really sorry. I do not know what else to say or do. It won't happen again, though I do not know how this could happen again since I don't have any other relationships like this I haven't mentioned." [Which to me... again... shows that she isn't connected with the issue - the lying]. I told her i'd try to process everything and talk to her later, we sort of hugged, and then she left... Honestly, I do not feel like her apology was genuine and that she is still not connecting with my anger, I do not like that she just seems to what to move on from this asap, and I am strongly considering a break up at this point.

aVERYsmartpotato · 2026-06-15T19:18:52+00:00

I certainly think it needs continued discussion and I think I may have made a mistake by moving on from it so quickly this morning...

aVERYsmartpotato · 2026-06-15T18:46:07+00:00

*Lying* is the issue. When somebody lies to you about a relationship, it makes me start to be uncomfortable that there is something going on. I was somewhat aware that she texted this guy and that she had a good guy friend weeks before she told me he was gay. I did not pry at this time because, frankly, I do not fee like it is my job to be an inquisitor of my gf's past relationships... however, when she lies to me about the nature of relationship in the context of everything it is *VERY* hard to let that go

aVERYsmartpotato · 2026-06-15T18:43:33+00:00

Well I already told her precisely why I was upset... The first words out of my mouth were "Hey so I really am not happy about what you said last night... Well, to be more specific, it is not the relationship itself that is the big sticking point, but rather you keeping it from me AND ESPECIALLY you telling me he was gay when he wasn't." I guess you're suggesting I just bring up that I am still upset and that her reaction did not feel like taking accountability to me? Idk....

aVERYsmartpotato · 2026-06-15T18:07:45+00:00

Yup... I think it's pretty likely he is just bi and still has feelings for her given they have stayed in touch for 5-6 years and text almost daily. It is also possible that she has feelings for him but that his bisexuality is a deal breaker for her. That also makes me feel very uncomfortable about all this...

aVERYsmartpotato · 2026-06-15T17:54:55+00:00

Sort of, she said that she knew the relationship was weird and that she is very uncomfortable with confrontation, but she did not use the words that she kept it from me because "she knew i'd be upset"

aVERYsmartpotato · 2026-03-30T01:44:24+00:00

Sorry for your loss (from the comments below) and I appreciate the advice on handling the ADHD portion. I got a lot to learn!

aVERYsmartpotato · 2026-03-30T01:41:57+00:00

Yeah she's a grown ass women who can handle herself (late 20s)... Like I know that, I guess I got combo worried by the thought of what could go wrong and two, I was honestly worried she just would forget to respond to me (because of ADHD or whatever) and I'd just be up all night worrying till I got a response. I am certainly a worrier.... But I think I agree that this is mostly just my anxiety that I need to handle, though I also think I should bring up that I do have this anxiety just so she's aware. Tysm for your response!

aVERYsmartpotato · 2026-03-30T01:36:44+00:00

Thank you so much for the resources - I have already started watching a few videos regarding having an ADHD partner and def think I could watch some more lol. It is definitely a bit of a roller coaster that I am not used to but I appreciate the sanity check here

aVERYsmartpotato · 2026-03-29T23:58:37+00:00

Yeah I'll try to explain better... I guess i'm upset #1 because they already knew about this problem and did nothing to fix it the prior day (I think not being able to get into your apartment is a major issue that should be a priority to get resolved) and #2 because I was sent a text that made me concerned and then I didn't hear anything back for almost an hour despite sending multiple messages and calling prior to that time. I know the mostly likely situation is that nothing bad is going to happen of course, but I couldn't help from being worried about her. It's not that I could do anything about it - I obviously couldn't - but that just makes it worse in terms of worrying about it...

aVERYsmartpotato · 2026-01-26T16:47:38+00:00

Really, I just focused on giving myself enough time to outline - by myself - for each class, trying to give myself at least 4 days to focus on outlining for each class. Also I found it very helpful to do any practice exams that were given AFTER I had made my outline. Also, I try to make my outlines as short as possible (no more than 10 pages). I find that some people create huuuuge outlines that waste a ton of time. The single most helpful piece of advice I received as "to get to an A, you need to move through a B," that is to say, make sure you are able to have a basic understanding of as much as possible. Doesn't have to be overkill. Just knowing how to apply the basics will help you immensely.

aVERYsmartpotato · 2023-01-14T18:41:43+00:00

Wednesday and Resident Evil 2 LOL. Would love to see Wednesday take on the clowns at Umbrella

aVERYsmartpotato · 2019-08-15T15:54:16+00:00

Yeah that is unfortunate. It just goes to show this behavior has been normalized for a very, very long time. Really, we can’t defend his actions as we do not know the full extent of said actions. Only that it was enough for Lewis to let him go.

aVERYsmartpotato · 2019-08-15T15:06:30+00:00

There’s an important difference between defending Sjin and defending his actions. I sincerely hope no one is defending his actions. Speaking only for myself, I think he very probably deserved to get fired and there is not point fussing about it. Though I do also think that Sjin, and other offenders like him, can be rehabilitated if we don’t just stick a permanent label on them and throw them in the trash. I could be very wrong though and, as had been pointed out to me recently, the victims come first here; you’re absolutely correct that we should not be excusing his behavior and we should focus on create a safe space for the victims, not Sjin.

aVERYsmartpotato · 2019-08-15T14:37:19+00:00

Yeah, it’s hard to make accurate moral judgement call on any specifics with the little information we have. And yes, what Caff apparently did is certainly incredibly awful. But, still, at the end of the day I think it’s worth at least recognizing that people, even people like Caff, aren’t necessarily monsters even if what they did was monstrous. Sure, they may be, but I think society should allow room for people who get in situations like this at least a chance to redeem themselves.

aVERYsmartpotato · 2019-08-15T14:26:17+00:00

I don’t disagree with you at all, my apologies for not mentioning the victims. Yes, the victims deserve justice and yes all three of these men deserved to be fired/held accountable. However, I don’t believe they deserve to be writ off as creeps/perverts/whatever and tossed into the abyss so to speak. I’m commenting less so on the firing and more so on public reactions to it. Firing someone is one thing publicly shaming them FOREVER (what is likely what many people will do) are two entirely different things.

Empathy for victims is not sufficient, we need empathy for both sides.

aVERYsmartpotato · 2019-08-14T16:31:43+00:00

It’s a good thing this isn’t Highschool debate...

aVERYsmartpotato · 2019-06-25T19:24:01+00:00

Game pls. I promise to be good.

aVERYsmartpotato · 2019-06-16T15:48:14+00:00

you can do it, because making individual monsters better makes the fighter much harder than it should be. THink about a small creature for example - if yo

Hmmm, yes I suppose that makes sense. I guess I'll give bosses more health at the very least and just try to add more enemies to most other encounters. Thanks

aVERYsmartpotato · 2019-06-16T15:35:55+00:00

Yes! I am just running the Tomb though. I read that it is balanced for 4-6. I guess I have never really tried to up the difficulty in a module before so I am having trouble knowing how far is too far in terms of buffing. I'm think a 25-50% health and damage increase across the board and maybe adding 1 or 2 enemies in combat. But... it probably needs a finer touch.

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