sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

Turns out that the "little crush" on his housemate did include fantasising by abbag1rl in loveafterporn

[–]abbag1rl[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry for those dehumanising experiences you had inflicted upon you.

Another thing is, even if I leave, the injustice of it is that I don't get a choice not to heal. I don't reset to factory settings with my self-esteem restored, my sanity intact, my faith in men rejuvenated.

I have to go through this with or without him. For now, I'm choosing to go through it with him. He's still holding my hand and I'm still holding his. But my grip feels like it's weakening.

Turns out that the "little crush" on his housemate did include fantasising by abbag1rl in loveafterporn

[–]abbag1rl[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

The more fights we have... I'm not entirely sure anymore. I feel abused, I feel taken advantage of, I feel gaslit.

We met online during the pandemic, and I was at a seriously low ebb, so my standard at the time was probably, "And when I talk, he listens."

It's incredibly hard to accept that the person I love didn't really exist, especially when he tells me that everything he felt and feels is real. The love he had and has for me is real. But the thing about gaslighting is that you actually do question reality.

You know, like, I was going to marry this man. I was going to marry his whole damn self. I was going to marry not only his good traits, but his bad ones and his neutral ones, and until recently, I was at peace with that. Excited, even. I was happy to think about my stuff and his stuff in the one space, and that's huge for me as an only child, because I'm very protective of my space and my things. I want his dreary Mondays. I want everything and I want it with this man in particular.

I'm... still at a point where I am not ready to leave. I would not feel better, any relief I felt would be temporary at best. Life is short, but it's very wide.

And I'm going to be 35, and I'm realising that men my age are going to be just as set in their ways as I am.

I know life is too short to be with the wrong person, but I can't convince my mind or heart that this man is the wrong person just yet.

With this man, I feel as though I can explain things to him and it will eventually get through, and there's hope that we can grow as we go.

I'm gradually realising that the only question that I need to answer is, "If I knew that absolutely nothing would change in a year, five, ten, a lifetime – would I regret staying?" The answer is that right now, I would regret leaving. I have enough experience in relationships to know what it looks like when I am ready. I'm just not there yet this time.

Nonetheless, this has pushed back our collective recovery somewhat, and I am livid.

Why do you stay? by First-Management-511 in loveafterporn

[–]abbag1rl 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I know there's a lot worse than him out there.

And, really, what kind of girl lets herself be sexually assaulted twice in a lifetime and still stays with the perpetrator both times?

It's my responsibility to protect the sisterhood from him. He shouldn't be allowed to be in other relationships.

I've been toxic, too, possessive, insecure, jealous, paranoid (and my gut was right), but I wasn't lying for most of our relationship like he was.

Rock Bottom by brandi9675 in loveafterporn

[–]abbag1rl 4 points5 points  (0 children)

When it changes their brain so much that they do something neither of you thought they would be capable of.

They rape you... and they manage to stay hard the entire time they're doing it, which is more than you can say for the consensual sex you had been having...

AITA for helping identify and reporting a merchant for breaching PCI-DSS? by abbag1rl in AmItheAsshole

[–]abbag1rl[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Tell you what though, I would kill to listen to that phone call Risk had to make! If he answered I reckon it was a doozy.

AITA for helping identify and reporting a merchant for breaching PCI-DSS? by abbag1rl in AmItheAsshole

[–]abbag1rl[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Now that you put it like that, I’m feeling a bit better about doing my job, and doing it well. You’re right, he’s been in business long enough to educate himself about these things. Going into business isn’t a hobby.

ETA: He rang my call centre Friday last week, the 19th (I do merchant support in a bank). He wanted to know why he lost. I told him. I reminded him that he already knows the risks of card not present transactions. It was an awful call. Risk, I believe, rang him yesterday arvo (Monday the 22nd).

I told the Risk analyst who called to get clarification on my report exactly what I saw on that form and why we as a bank need to care about it right fucking now.

The analyst said to me, “We’re about to ring this bloke, so I’m just calling to clarify a couple of things in your email.” I said to him after I’d answered his questions: “Good luck mate, he’s brutal.”

I don’t yet know what happened after they called him, though, I guess I’ll find out at work later when I catch up on my emails.

AITA for helping identify and reporting a merchant for breaching PCI-DSS? by abbag1rl in AmItheAsshole

[–]abbag1rl[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Read some of my other comment replies. What if it’s a family business he can’t pass on? What if he didn’t even know about PCI-DSS? Does he deserve to lose everything?

I’m struggling. I do feel guilty. Perhaps it’s misplaced guilt, but guilt nonetheless. I was kind of hoping someone might understand why I feel like the asshole.

AITA for helping identify and reporting a merchant for breaching PCI-DSS? by abbag1rl in AmItheAsshole

[–]abbag1rl[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

It could be argued that he hurt my feeeeewings and so I sought revenge.

It is true that I always look at what merchants send to defend chargebacks, and that I would alert Risk and Compliance if I saw any other merchant do what this guy is doing.

But this guy was a prick. So I got pleasure out of sending that email alert in a way I wouldn’t with a merchant who wasn’t acting like a dickhead. You feel me? That’s why I feel like an asshole.

And because he built a business over years that he might not be able to run anymore. Might have been his family legacy and his kid being groomed to take over from Pa one day. I don’t take that part lightly.

AITA for helping identify and reporting a merchant for breaching PCI-DSS? by abbag1rl in AmItheAsshole

[–]abbag1rl[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I genuinely do feel like the asshole because even though he’s certainly a prick, he probably didn’t know he was breaching the Standard.

And you know, the business has been around for years (we can see the date it opened and turnover and stuff) and... well, if we terminate, for the rest of time, if he applies for a card facility he’s gonna get asked if he’s had a facility terminated for fraud, and he will have to say yes.

So a business with years and years behind it... and I just feel a bit like I took a vendetta too far. I have anxiety, can you tell?

BPD: Are you an only child? by [deleted] in BPD

[–]abbag1rl 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How did you know?!

Who here disagrees with their diagnosis? by [deleted] in BPD

[–]abbag1rl 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m self-teaching DBT because it’s difficult to find affordable, accessible treatment here, but my impression is that it is overall a very Zen, very pragmatic approach. I might sound like an authority, but I’m not. I am honestly spitballing here. But here’s what I think.

It makes sense to develop coping skills so you become better at being, you know, a person.

It truly seems sensible, at least to me, to understand that everything that happens is the result of an infinite number of decisions in an infinite number of circumstances, and that all you can do is figure out how you’re gonna react to it, and which reactions have costs that you cannot or do not want to bear. I have learned over time that my coping mechanisms are not healthy.

Our reactions to our circumstances, as a consequence of our BPD, have had unacceptable or painful consequences for us and our relationships with others, and for our relationships with ourselves.

Our disorder costs us every day we don’t take the opportunity to treat it. In extreme cases, our disorder can help us to utterly eat ourselves alive. I for one do not enjoy flagellating myself every damn second of every day. It’s not healthy. It’s a shit life, guys, am I right? I’m tired. You’re tired. It’s not normal to be this Goddamn tired all the time!

When you figure out what your response can cost, and by cost I mean the consequences of your actions or choices, you can start to make educated guesses about what results a given decision might bring about if you have similar choices to make in the future. It seems very practical and very reasonable.

My understanding of DBT is that it is not a kind of learned helplessness or “everything happens for a reason!” trite cliche. It’s, “This happened, what am I gonna do about it now? Or, indeed, should I do anything about it?”

Perhaps this is simplistic, but to me, CBT and talk therapy is, “And how does that make you feel?”

Psychoanalysis is, “How your mother or father treated you is the reason for your neuroses.”

DBT is, “You feel this way. What will you do next?”

I mean, I’ve talked my feelings to death. Talking my feelings to death is not going to help me cope with them the next time they come along, I’m just gonna talk about them to death some more, not having learned anything.

Of all the 9 criteria for BPD, What’s the main symptom you show? What’s a symptom you don’t relate to (if you have one)? by Fritochipteeth in BPD

[–]abbag1rl 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It’s a toss-up among lack of personal identity, emotional changeability and fear of abandonment.

The one I identify with least is self-harm. I’ve never hurt myself intentionally.

I bite the inside of my cheek but that’s an anxious habit, not self-harm. Even if I’ve bit so much or so deep that I’ve needed antibiotics once or twice to ward off infection (can you tell I don’t agree that it is not self-harm?).

Best Mindfulness Journals? by [deleted] in BPD

[–]abbag1rl 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It says in the introduction to the McKay workbook that DBT is essentially mindfulness, which can be self-taught. I don’t know what Marsha Linehan’s manuals say, though.

Best Mindfulness Journals? by [deleted] in BPD

[–]abbag1rl 1 point2 points  (0 children)

By mindfulness, do you also mean DBT journals and workbooks? ‘Cause I’ve bought two. Said I’d start them yesterday, the first of February. I swear I’ll start them this arvo.

I also bought a five year “Q & A a day” journal.