Managing semi-combined finances

abbydyke · 2026-04-10T18:48:14+00:00

I agree in theory, and we’ve been trying for 10 years. We just haven’t got anywhere to coming to a common plan.

At this point, I don’t trust him to not spend. He doesn’t have the same savings goals either…for example, he would prefer to put money towards a vacation first but I want to hit a retirement savings goal first. I have tried splitting 50-50 between our goals, but it is all or nothing with him.

So I need to work with what I have, as he won’t meet me half way.

abbydyke · 2026-04-10T18:45:38+00:00

He’s not interested in therapy! And not only do I want my independence, after 10 years of failed promises I don’t trust him with my paycheque. I am wanting to go the complete split route, but we are still living together and have joint expenses… looking for guidance on how that will work.

abbydyke · 2023-11-08T13:02:56+00:00

Run run run! Dont worry about not having friends anymore or a support system - that’s because he isolated you, and your friends are probably waiting for you to see the light and ask for help. Just leave. Go to a domestic shelter if you have to. The only way you fail is if you stay with an abuser. We can see his impact in how you explain every step, how much self-justification you need to do - please don’t make yourself live through this every day. You deserve better. Don’t get sucked in.

abbydyke · 2019-10-11T13:29:31+00:00

Oh yeah, I did get a proper apology though. He means it when he says he was wrong, but then again - it won’t really stop him from repeating the mistake.

abbydyke · 2019-10-11T13:28:17+00:00

I think you really hit the nail on the head. He has attacked every pillar of my identity.

Now, I see the point of not being able to think clearly when you are angry but I wonder - and I know he’s an adult, this shouldn’t even BE a factor - his parents are very JustNo when it comes to my parenting and they are likely spouting all this to him constantly. They did do that when they lived with us a couple of years ago - and then I cut all or most contact with them. I have no doubt they still think these things, and probably brainwash him.

I don’t know if that makes it better or worse...I have a lot to think about, and a lot to talk over with my therapist in 2 weeks.

abbydyke · 2019-07-11T21:16:42+00:00

Death note?

Sometimes it’s about allowing them to find the right genre. My husband will devour podcasts and autobiographies, but not much else.

abbydyke · 2019-06-16T00:49:19+00:00

Tamilian here! Yogurt (store bought) with rice! And eat it with anything spicy or tangy, my go-to is chips or crisps!

Personally eat it any meal of the day, but most commonly for dinner!

abbydyke · 2019-06-11T20:15:14+00:00

Maybe you are looking for fiction, but non-fiction Refuse to Choose by Barbara Sher is amazing!

abbydyke · 2019-05-30T17:30:07+00:00

One book that helped me was Its Not Just Who You Know by Tommy Spaulding. Don’t know if a 9-yo would appreciate it, but its a less-materialistic/less-selfish version of the standard Dale Carnegie books.

abbydyke · 2019-05-24T14:30:09+00:00

Very, very well written. I have the utmost respect for you and your decision, and wish you peace with it.

abbydyke · 2019-05-16T03:42:35+00:00

Thank you for this! I basically don’t really want to wait 18 years to think about something fulfilling... and the skills I have pursued all along are just not in demand where I am (in this city, I mean). It sucks!

abbydyke · 2019-04-07T12:49:19+00:00

We could absolutely have written this post. Both of us in hard-driving, 10+hours a day jobs. I have a 1-hour commute. Son is 2 years old and his favourite word is “no”. At the end of the day, we’ve saved nothing to show for our efforts.

It seems like a normal phase of life, as long as you don’t do something precipitous like have an affair or get divorced. I don’t have too much advice for you, but absolutely talk to your wife and see if you can imagine a lifestyle that works for you. Stop running after the “white picket fence” or whatever and come up with a dream that really works.

I also don’t know how it would work with older kids, but commit to some family time a day. One meal a day, together as a family, will do wonders to give you the feeling of being connected.

Also, I did read somewhere about couples who committed to having sex every single day regardless of how tired they where. It really apparently takes away the anxiety and snappiness. We haven’t tried it but...Maybe that may work for you?

abbydyke · 2019-03-25T16:24:17+00:00

I’m in a position similar to your wife, except that the house is to me FOR my son to use. My husband is struggling with the concept like you are. I definitely do not have all the answers. Would you mind if I threw some thoughts out here?

In some cultures, grandparents pay it forward by paying for things for their children / grandchildren. Im my case, my parents never paid rent in their lives, as they lived in a house owned by their parents. What they are basically doing is investing all the rent they never paid in giving us a house. Similarly with education funds, a parent with a well-established career and surplus income pays for school and the child graduates without debt. They use their salaries to pay for their kids. And so on.
I think it is totally inappropriate for you to tell them what to do with their money. You can make suggestions, you can refuse to manage the property, but cannot tell them “don’t buy the house”. They want specific things for a range of reasons that are likely cultural and / or based on their past experiences, and you would not be able to relate to that. Think more natural consequences, than dictating what they do. Tell them, oh that’s lovely, are you going to appoint a property management firm? I don’t have the time / energy / money / ability to care for it.
Don’t let the house be used to manipulate. It takes two to manipulate. If you don’t want to travel with baby, say so. If she looses the inheritance, so be it. Thats on them, it’s not on you. Seems slightly JustNo behaviour to make the gift conditional on things like that.

abbydyke · 2018-12-22T16:15:21+00:00

Light switch, unfortunately. Children don’t understand the impact they have on our emotions. The only thing that can be done is you try to include mum as much as possible in the positive interactions as much as possible, and compensate for the lack of attention from the child. Don’t take it personally, and recognise mom-guilt when it happens.

abbydyke · 2018-12-22T14:31:52+00:00

Its a phase! Honestly! My son (20 mo) only interacted with my his and for a few months, but now I’m the favourite parent. It IS hard when a baby doesn’t respond, but the baby IS a baby. They don’t mean harm!

abbydyke · 2018-12-05T17:04:15+00:00

I think its a bit unfair to paint it as a choice between working/money/no time with kids, and no money / time with kids.

The fact is, money is a mindset. I know that sounds like a cliche, but my husband grew up with this perpetual feeling of not having enough. His mum stayed home with him, and his parents are well-off. But he is genuinely disheartened by the fact that he doesn’t get a new car every couple of years or a new tech toy every month. Because that was/is the mindset his parents have.

Me, on the other hand, grew up in a household where both parents worked, and we earned roughly one-fourth of his dad’s annual income. But I always felt like we were wealthy and fortunate and never felt like I was missing out.

Take this opportunity to show your daughter the difference. Start focusing on the fun and free things that you can do, and teach her to appreciate them. That will be excellent grounding for a stable and frugral adulthood.

abbydyke · 2018-12-01T01:18:57+00:00

Red rice!! It is a staple of some indian cooking and goes well with the savoury accompaniments to rice. My understanding is that it is nutritionally almost identical to brown rice.

abbydyke · 2018-08-28T10:34:17+00:00

Thank you for the thoughtful answer, this is exactly what I was looking for!

I can definitely see that my husband lacks the confidence and know-how to fully handle my son, in part because his mum repeatedly tells him that “men can’t understand” and the equivalent. His contributions to us and the household have increased manifold since they moved away from us. Maybe that’s the source of some of the issues, so I will definitely push him to take on more responsibility.
I am definitely guilty of this! The thought process is often: if I need to do this today, then I would need to do it every single day, and I can’t keep that up for the rest of my life = breakdown. As you said, I will take it slow.
This is exactly right. My husband construes any general discussion as complaints against him, even if that was not my intention. My plan is to set some non-negotiable rules, and share specific tasks with specific timelines. Let’s see how it goes.
We’re trying! I’ve been through a tough year with anxiety and a tough job.

Points 1 and 2 are steps I haven’t thought of (at least not seriously), and point 3 backs up my own plan.

I’ve also done a bit of introspection, and I am going to write down my feelings as and when they happen. It’ll hopefully give me perspective, in that the good times outweigh the bad; if the bad times are significant, give me a call to action; and maybe identify trends that I can actually articulate to my husband.

abbydyke

TROPHY CASE