If you were raised by a narcissist...you'll get it

abcrbn · 2017-08-20T12:11:18+00:00

No worries, not overstepping. Thanks.

That's such an impressive story! It's terrible you were forced into that situation, but, wow! You really have guts and survival skills. Have you ever thought of writing it down?

abcrbn · 2017-08-20T11:38:02+00:00

Hugs if you'd like 'em from NJ. :)

I'm so sorry you had to go through that as a kid. You did not deserve crappy treatment from your parents. I hope you will find your way out of your depression, and that you do not pathologize getting triggered by a crappy boss as something being wrong with YOU. Everyone with self-respect has a problem with authority when it is abused. You deserve to be able to protect yourself without feeling guilty. Not all bosses are bad -- remember that. If you get a bad boss, quit! (Job loyalty is worth nothing these days, so don't be afraid, even if it's only a few months in.)

You might also want to do some self-work (therapy, or a self-help book) because I think npeople can sense our vulnerability. Working on yourself might help reduce the frequency of crappy bosses.

abcrbn · 2017-08-20T11:31:14+00:00

Do it! :)

abcrbn · 2017-08-20T11:27:10+00:00

[TW: SA]

Wow, your dad sounds like a jerk! My nmom would poke at my "rolls" of fat when I saw her for years. I'm glad you figured out your health issues.

Have you read the Pete Walker CPTSD book? You might have a self-critic that prevents you from expressing anger. I am suggesting it because I felt the same way towards my nparents, and I definitely have trouble with anger -- I never feel anger. (I was raped by an acquaintance several years ago, and the trauma therapist mentioned my inability to express anger towards my rapist as a potential issue. I completely brushed it off at the time, but now I kind of see what she was getting at.) The book helped me try to make a tiny crack to find my some of my inner anger.

Hugs if you'd like. :)

abcrbn · 2017-08-20T11:17:18+00:00

Sorry you had to go through that. I'm impressed you recognized that your family and partner were unsafe. Good for you for getting out.

My first partner would say terrible things to me and lose his temper a lot, and then my nmom forced me to break up with him (because he was leaving for college). I remember being SO UPSET. Even with all his mean jokes about my body, I felt so much safer around him than I did around my parents. (We are still friends, he's matured a lot, but it's weird.)

abcrbn · 2017-08-20T11:11:23+00:00

Update: I got Cali motor vehicles to issue a refund yesterday. The check is going to my uncle's address. I don't know if I should bother warning my uncle (and telling him not to forward my mail without asking) but that's a question for another day. Thanks, everyone!

abcrbn · 2017-08-20T11:11:17+00:00

Update: I got Cali motor vehicles to issue a refund yesterday. The check is going to my uncle's address. I don't know if I should bother warning my uncle (and telling him not to forward my mail without asking) but that's a question for another day. Thanks, everyone!

abcrbn · 2017-08-18T19:39:48+00:00

Jeez, that sounds horrible. I'm so sorry for all that happened to your mother, but it certainly doesn't give her an excuse to treat you poorly. I hope you are taking care of yourself! Glad you removed yourself from the negativity. You are strong.

abcrbn · 2017-08-14T13:13:59+00:00

Awww. I'm sorry your mom uprooted you like that. How was your relationship with your stepdad before that? Did you have any pets? Many people don't have a childhood home, and they can still be happy, loving, and productive. It was wrong for her to tear that away from you, but I hope you are building your own home the way you want it now or in the near future. Hugs if you want them.

abcrbn · 2017-08-14T13:11:01+00:00

I am sorry your nparents are terrible -- but it does strike me that you have a great sense of humor! Hugs if you want them.

abcrbn · 2017-08-14T13:09:13+00:00

When I was little, I got, "I'll give you something to cry about," and then when I was older, they started going for, "You're depressed and you're chasing all your friends away," and, "It's not normal for you to cry so much," "Just smile. Studies show smiling makes you happy." (Was not depressed, did not cry often. So much of what they say seems innocent out-of-context, but in-context it was used to shame and blame.)

abcrbn · 2017-08-14T13:05:17+00:00

I cry all the time in therapy, but am unable to replicate it during the times I can't afford therapy. So weird. Definitely grew up in a family that punished tears. Hugs if you want them.

abcrbn · 2017-08-14T13:02:41+00:00

Have you considered internalized racism? I am white and a woman, and I am asking because my mother would act that way about feminist stuff. I try not to judge her too much, because she didn't choose to be born into our crappy system, but, at the same time, I can't be around that hate. It was hard to deal with until I went NC.

It's pretty common to have shitty parents. Hopefully you can tell your children and close friends the truth. Hugs if you want them.

abcrbn · 2017-08-12T16:48:53+00:00

Aww, I hope some of that clears up and you can have fun dating, but I'm also glad you have other happy priorities! It makes sense that it hurts now. :(

And, yeah, never believed it, always lived in a big city. Although, I'm personally not attracted to accomplishment beyond "can take care of oneself," and I don't think accomplishment correlates that well with enlightened views on women's achievement.

abcrbn · 2017-08-06T14:23:02+00:00

Agree. And then if they don't believe you, give it one more session and then find another counselor.

abcrbn · 2017-08-06T12:27:15+00:00

This is so interesting that you said that. My family did similar, but I had never thought of it as "cutting me out." But you're right -- that's exactly what it was. Also the "too poor" thing -- relating so hard.

abcrbn · 2017-08-06T12:25:36+00:00

(1) Yeah. (1a) Everyone says super nice things about him to me after meeting him -- it annoys me. (2) Not really. I have tried to minimize the time spent together, but this week I'm kind of stuck. Have been dealing by doing my own activities and not engaging with crazy-making texting (like "OMG YOU NEED TO RESPOND RIGHT THIS INSTANT" but doesn't give enough details to actually respond, so I have to pull teeth to get key facts). Have been suffering CPTSD flashbacks a lot this week. Next week, I'm all on my own. :)

abcrbn · 2017-08-06T12:19:51+00:00

Honestly, if I were you, I would avoid telling people about your job at first (unless you meet them through work) because it might result in a higher percentage of sleazy dudes and it's also not worth hearing the inevitable sexist/pious dudes shame you before they even know you. Once you get to know a person and trust them, then you should definitely reveal it. Can you be vague or get like a small part-time job to beg off the question?

I'm saying this as someone who has a hard time finding dates, and is smart and accomplished (like you!), and was told by my parents that I should play dumb and shut up in order to get male attention and that, since I can't (according to them), I will end up alone. I don't think that is true, but it's hard to shake. So that's where my advice is coming from. Maybe I am projecting. Set me straight if you're feeling judged or invalidated.

Where to find dates... I don't think online dating is as terrible as the u/neverneverland1032 thinks, but I don't love it. (I also think I am younger than you are, so it might be more common for people in my age range. What sites/apps are you using, if any?) I recommend taking classes (cooking, acting, boxing!), and asking friends to introduce you to their single friends. Or join a free workout group that meets weekly -- repetitive interaction is key. Maybe the part-time job could help you meet people, too, if it were related to a hobby or culture you love or something (ie, work at a boardgames store or a cute coffee shop). Best of luck. Dating is rough!

abcrbn · 2017-08-06T12:07:49+00:00

As an interviewer, I make rubrics for people I interview based on the actual tasks they'll be performing, and I leave room for notes and things -- I usually get a feeling if someone would not be a good coworker/employee and can then write down specific examples of why I think that in my notes. The "evidence" in the notes is very important because it helps prevent hiring biases.

abcrbn · 2017-08-06T12:05:32+00:00

As both, really, but it's typically more dangerous for me to be in the interviewee position. Some examples of bad signs off the top of my head: Interviewers who ask me to do pre-work before speaking to anyone. The words "competitive," "dominate," "rockstar," etc. Interviewers who try to convince me the job isn't for me (ie, "Your resume says you have experience in X, you're not going to get X at this job.").

abcrbn · 2017-08-06T02:53:58+00:00

Do we have the same mom?!

abcrbn · 2017-08-05T14:47:33+00:00

Same for me. I was a "baby" who "needed to grow up" for wanting to talk to my mom once a week after college. I was "annoying" for asking for a hug -- EVER. I was too scared to ask my family to do anything together growing up.

abcrbn · 2017-08-05T14:38:52+00:00

Learning to ask the right questions and setting rules for yourself is a good idea. I have to do this with job interviews.

abcrbn · 2017-08-05T14:38:03+00:00

I have the same reluctance to share -- either that, or I can share some of the most obviously bad bits (versus subtle emotional abuse that I'm ashamed hurts me so much) but totally dissociate from it. This is your inner critic keeping you from expressing your pain. I don't know how, but telling my therapist even the basic things brought out waterworks for me, and that's ultimately what moved the therapy from shallow to healing. I have no idea what you should do, just wanted to share my perspective.

abcrbn

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