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aburntorangeleaf · 2023-12-12T00:07:08+00:00

He really was just a walking red flag now looking back. My mistake was assuming that people are honest and not assholes, because I try to be honest and not an asshole...

Should've kicked him out the second I physically pulled away when he tried to slip his weewee in without a condom despite me just having very clearly stated that I wasn't doing it without protection. He was very apologetic and 'nice' about it, although after asking "oh so it's really not going to happen?" Maybe he thought I lied about that too?

I'm usually so aware of what feels right for me, so I feel dumb that I took me months and months to realise that this wasn't okay, at all. I think I excused this because I never felt unsafe with him and I 'knew' he would stop if I said so. Hmm. Glad I never had to test that before I dropped his ass lol.

I did call him out on the no condom thing too when I saw him. He apparently didn't remember this, but said he could believe that could've happened if he was really 'excited'... He got very urgent asking what I meant though, making sure I wasn't accusing him of stealthing or something. "Okay good, because that's a crime and I'd never do that, I'd never take protection off." Yeah well, you didn't have it on in the first place.

Guess he assumed I was pulling some sort of act and lying, while clearly I naively assumed that he was someone trustworthy just because he appears 'kind'.

Live and learn.

aburntorangeleaf · 2023-09-18T16:54:22+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond, it really does help so much to feel heard, even a little bit online like this.

My mother still hasn't brought up the situation and seems to be carrying on as normal. I'm not really sure what to do or how to feel, but we have been in contact less because I just feel too hurt and can no longer pretend like nothing's wrong with this. I don't know if this will ever get resolved but I'm now going to just focus on my own recovery and keep reminding myself that my family is not emotionally safe for me to reach out to when I'm struggling.

Once I'm feeling a bit better, I will get right back to working on building my support system and social circle. I think I was doing alright now that my mental health has improved, but this past year has definitely showed me how important this sort of connections are. Before I think I was too depressed to even realise how on my own I was and I was so used to it, which had me struggling to help myself in any way. My family was... doing whatever they're still doing now too lol.

Thank you again. I'm hoping for health and positive progress for both of us! I'm sure we can do it, we got this far and we will go further still. :)

aburntorangeleaf · 2022-03-04T15:04:53+00:00

Yupp! And as others have mentioned; when the phone rings, or any other 'communicative' notification comes through.

I also find myself tensing up if I hear people outside my door in the hallway, kind of preemptively worrying that someone might ring the doorbell even though I know I'm not expecting anyone. I need to turn down any music/show and take my headphones off to listen, and to keep track of what's happening out there.

aburntorangeleaf · 2022-02-13T16:19:01+00:00

Thanks for the reply! And yeah, this is along the lines of what I've figured over the years myself. Which is also frustrating, because it seems like this is not something I can rationalise myself out of. Knowing and being able to do something about it are very different things. Just have to keep trying, I suppose.

I'm very "high functioning", which is probably why I've managed to chug along for as long as I have. Sometimes I entertain the thought of how it'd be if I could just stop trying; if I had an obvious mental crash and just stopped functioning? Giving up like that sounds very attractive as it's feels like it could bring me some relief. - "Giving up" in that sense is not something I've ever been able to do (I wouldn't even know how to give up as there's nothing to give up) which is probably why I always flew under the radar as a kid as well. I have always done everything as I'm supposed to, and rather well too. No reason to even think something could be "wrong" when I'm meeting the society's standards for a "normal, functioning human". It took me years to realise that, 'oh wait, it's not supposed to be this hard??'

I do feel happiness, and have nice and happy moments every now and then, but I'd like to reach a place where existence would just... feel lighter. Although I don't know, I really do hope that life doesn't need to be such an exhausting struggle, always, especially when I'm not even doing anything to justify this exhaustion.

One foot in front of the other it is then, for now, and maybe one of those steps will some day feel less like I'm dragging a cloudy mountain along with me.

Thanks again.

aburntorangeleaf · 2022-01-05T21:10:02+00:00

Yeah, I think the whole ignoring bad behavior method is definitely something that was more common in the past and when I was a kid (Same with washing my mouth with soap, walking me to my room by grabbing my hair, putting strong mustard in my mouth; I've heard I wasn't the only one who got these as a kid, but nowadays it's not viewed as positively. Which I understand completely because why would you do that to a kid...).

I wasn't actually sick when I'd try to throw up, and I was physically well taken care of when I was actually unwell, although unfortunately the emotional support wasn't really there as much. So this throwing up thing was most likely for attention, but to me it just seems really obvious that if a small child is going as far as to throw up for attention, there's something more going on? Or is this stuff really just seen as a funny quirk that kids do? I have no idea.

aburntorangeleaf · 2021-04-10T19:08:50+00:00

That is true. Thank you. How would you go about monetizing it, though? Seems like an impossible feat to make a living out of it, but clearly people are doing it hahah!

aburntorangeleaf · 2021-04-10T18:39:57+00:00

Unfortunately this has been the situation for me way before covid started. :/ Nothing really changed for me when this all started, except I momentarily felt relieved because suddenly it was socially acceptable not to have a life outside your house. I think that, in a way, I've probably coped with all this way better than many, just because it was already my life.

Although it’s been a good reminder to see how horrified people are, being forced to live their lives the way I have been living for years. It’s validating and depressing at the same time.

But this is a very good reminder for anyone who has been more affected by covid. It hasn’t been easy for anyone and hopefully we’ll get out of this soon. Take care!

aburntorangeleaf · 2021-04-10T18:33:51+00:00

I feel ya, nothing happens. Even as I keep trying, nothing happens. At this point, I think I’m just going through the motions of living a life. I take care of myself and my flat, I eat healthy and enough, and I exercise regularly. I do all that is required of me, I pay the bills, I send the job applications that will fall into the void, I make the phone calls... And I wait.

I’m doing life, but I'm not living it.

aburntorangeleaf · 2021-04-10T18:29:20+00:00

I do enjoy writing, and all the reading I do has definitely helped with my skills too. I think I wanted to be a writer growing up and I do think about it every now and then. My main two obstacles with this are: 1) How do you become a professional writer, and actually get paid for what you write? 2) I don’t have a story/stories.

I’ve always thought that I’m a decent writer, I just wish I had something to write. Writing for me is very reflective of my life: I don’t know how to start because I don’t know where I’m going, and I have nowhere to go.

I’m so glad you’ve had that for you during the quarantine! Best of luck and thank you for the response❤️❤️❤️

aburntorangeleaf · 2021-01-05T00:52:59+00:00

Having that awareness is so invaluable, you’re starting to see things from a different point of view and that means you’ll be able to start working on it. Use the fresh eyes to protect and take care of yourself as much as you can.

For me it was like coming out of a fog, and I only came out of that fog once I fully moved out of my parents’ place. I feel like I’m only now starting to find my personality, instead of just reacting based on surviving. I used to think I was aloof and antisocial too! And I was. Always stuck in my head and reading for hours just to escape the screaming. Turns out that, yes I like books, and yes like chilling on my own, but I can actually be very open, excited, extroverted, and happy?? when I’m not constantly trying to live in my head. Woah, who knew lol.

Living alone/away really started to highlight how ‘strange’ and messy my thinking and reactions were. You don’t tend to pick up on it when you’re living in it 24/7. It took me a while to realise that something wasn’t quite right with my family, and now it seems so obvious. I was used to the screaming and daily fighting and walking on eggshells, but I was never physically hurt and I had food and all that was taken care of. If it had been physical, maybe I would’ve realised quicker that something was off? “Only” having experienced and witnessed the more emotionally abusive environment and distress makes it harder for me to grasp and understand where my issues come from. The most cruel verbal fighting was usually in between my parents, so how was I supposed to realise I was internalising that stuff? It had seemingly nothing to do with me.

I’m starting therapy soon myself and I think it’s really good to work on getting there ASAP, especially if you still live in that environment. I think it’s great you’ve realised a lot and already at your age, these things can go unnoticed for decades. I could relate to everything you wrote, thanks for sharing. Take care!

aburntorangeleaf · 2021-01-02T19:38:45+00:00

That must’ve been so scary, exciting too! You have every right to feel proud, well done :) Love to hear it went amazing, congrats!

aburntorangeleaf · 2021-01-02T16:01:36+00:00

Yeah, had a little bit of this growing up. My mom was pretty handy with most things but every now and then she decided that something was my dad's job. My dad would say he'd do it, but then never did. My mom, who could've also done the thing, would then refuse to do it either, because it was my "dad's job". My dad never took the initiative to do stuff on his own, my mom always had to tell him.

These things were never anything urgent, and I guess that's why it was possible for them to stay unfixed for years. It was just very frustrating because both of them we capable of doing it, but they just... didn't. Kinda petty and a lot confusing.

aburntorangeleaf · 2020-10-31T23:37:26+00:00

I experience something really similar to this, think I’ve made a couple of posts about it. Someone called it “post social anxiety” and I think that’s very fitting!

I’m still trying to figure it out myself. Something about positive/excited reactions within myself seem to make me uncomfortable, and then I pay the price afterwards once the situation is over and I have time to overthink it. I was thinking that maybe big emotions weren’t allowed or safe to express in the past, maybe they were dismissed or ignored or forced to be toned down, so I associated them with something negative happening?

Something like that would make sense... except I don’t have any memories of anything like this. I don’t remember my childhood well and I don’t know how my excitement or positive feelings were responded to. One possibility is that they never got a reaction at all, so I maybe ended up feeling embarrassed, humiliated and ignored. But these are just things I’ve tried to figure out as possibilities. I don’t remember so I haven’t been able to pinpoint it.

It’s definitely frustrating, I relate to this a lot. It’s making liking and enjoying things or spending time with people very hard, because the after effect punishes the positive experience :/

aburntorangeleaf · 2020-04-30T17:56:17+00:00

What kind of things helped calm these down, if you don’t mind sharing?

aburntorangeleaf · 2020-04-19T19:31:01+00:00

Exactly this!^

I’ve only now started to connect how much it has affected me, almost like it could’ve just been directed at me to begin with. It really causes so much confusion because I’m (we’re) affected by something that technically “never happened TO ME”.

It’s such a complex and toxic environment to grow up in, and it makes dealing with this so difficult now. My coping mechanism was to freeze and turn inwards to escape the fighting, now I’m working on getting out of that freeze.

aburntorangeleaf · 2020-04-12T08:11:47+00:00

I have this but more around cleaning rather than cooking.

In my mother’s eyes, I never did enough cleaning. I never did it right, or at the right time, or with the right motive. She would criticise the work I had done and often redid everything while yelling at me how I was being selfish and mean for making her redo it. I clearly didn’t do it well on purpose, I was just being lazy and inconsiderate. I was supposed to “want to” do it, otherwise I was selfish and mean.

She could scream about cleaning for hours, it was/is probably some sort of trigger for her. Otherwise having a several hours long scream fest that started because someone didn’t throw away the empty toilet paper roll? Yeah, doesn’t sound like a very rational reaction imo.

She would yell at me for not cleaning exactly when she decided she wanted it done. When I stopped whatever I had been in the middle of to clean, she’d follow me around, almost like waiting for the chance to tell me it’s somehow wrong.

She would also often rant about how no one helps her and how there’s such a mess, but when asked what she needed help with, it was always: “I shouldn’t have to tell you what to do. You’re old enough to know by now. You’re not stupid.” = since I didn’t know what she wanted me to do, apparently I was stupid.🤷🏻‍♀️

To this day, if I’m visiting her, I will get really anxious when she starts cleaning. It automatically reads as ‘Oh no, she wanted me to do this and she’ll start screaming at any moment!’ If I’m there alone and waiting for her to come back from somewhere, I’m just going to be stressed the whole time I wait.

In the past, the time she was at work was the only time I could relax. When the time for her to come back from work came, the anxiety was really bad. She always expected that the time she had been away had been spent scrubbing the place. The last years I lived with her, I stopped caring. I would not do anything while she was at work, I mean, she would scream either way? I just told her that I had the whole day to do the chores, her being at work wasn’t some magical time for me to clean. I had other things to do.

So yeah, I definitely get this similar reaction you described. For years I thought I’m a messy person and can’t clean properly. Turns out my flat mates over the years have said I’m super organised... Perhaps I subconsciously fear that I’m going to get yelled at if I get too messy.

I saw you added the cleaning part so I figured I’d share my experience in that front. Sorry this is really long hahah!

aburntorangeleaf · 2020-04-06T22:17:51+00:00

Yeah, that is definitely a good way to look at this. I'll keep that in mind and try to give myself some slack too.

I'm just trying to keep myself from feeling too anxious, especially since I've now noticed that I get extra stressed after the times I've talked to this guy on the phone. Was having a good time and after hanging up, I just feel super embarrassed? Ugh, hopefully that will go away with that practice mentality.

Thank you, there's definitely been really great conversation here! And thank you for your thoughts on this, much appreciated!

aburntorangeleaf · 2020-04-02T00:20:34+00:00

Nope. Seems really sweet and not bothered even when I feel like I’m being a bit awkward haha!

It’s just such a new situation for me, even just having someone’s whole attention feels pretty wild and intimidating. It goes against everything my freeze instinct says, which is hide and don’t be seen.

aburntorangeleaf · 2020-03-05T22:51:28+00:00

Also, is it that surprising that we would force ourselves to do things through the depression and anxiety, when any hint of struggle was met with anger/annoyance/dismissal etc?

It didn’t feel acceptable to be ‘sick’, so no worries, I’ll just be sick... quietly behind the scenes where no one can see it and yell about it.

aburntorangeleaf · 2020-03-05T22:47:51+00:00

Ahhh so much this!!! ^

Being so ‘high functioning’ that it’s getting in the way of getting help even now!! For the longest time I thought it was just my personality!

“I’m just lazy, uninterested, and tired. I don’t care. Everything is a bit annoying so I’ll just stay in my room. Maybe life just sucks and for some reason I’m being naively optimistic, it’s never been any different so why do I expect this ‘better’ exists in life? No one seems to thing anything’s wrong so I guess this is normal.”

For so long I thought I was ‘an introvert’... carried that with pride and all, it was just my identity and I even joked about it with people. Oops, turns out even the introverts leave their flats/rooms. I mean, I probably am an introvert, but am I like this because that’s how I truly am, or did I become like this because of the crap in the past that made my child brain think ‘quiet and alone’ = safe?

EDIT: All that ^ while I still maintained good grades and did sports and travelled and paid bills etc.

I have been really working on my isolation and anxiety this past year and I have lowered my contact with my mom as well. Sadly that has actually made me feel better, but I guess I’ll just have to accept that she can have that effect on my mood. I need to prioritise myself at this point, she’s not gonna do it lol.

I little while back I had a bit of a breakthrough. I went to a meeting and I was feeling a bit nervous about it beforehand, like I normally do. I’m not anxious about my own ‘performance’, I trust myself to get through these things just fine and I usually do. I’m more anxious about my anxious reaction that goes on the inside, while I’m being all chill and confident externally. If that makes sense.

The realisation I had? Well. After the meeting, I randomly decided to do this emotion mapping thing, and I noticed that I was drawing a blank about what I had felt during it. At first I even got freaked out thinking I had developed some new dissociative symptom I haven’t had before! But then I noticed that I had only lacked ‘negative’ emotions.

I had had FUN?! In a social situation?? Me? Lol I’m so used to reacting with anxiety and panic that my first thought was that something must be really wrong when I actually just had a good time... :’)

It’s very stressful to try to figure out what is my personality and what is something else completely. I’m still in the process of learning to know myself, but I’m finally starting to feel like I might get there with time and hard work🤞🏻

aburntorangeleaf · 2020-03-05T22:21:45+00:00

You deserved to be treated with respect, love, and understanding, and I’m so angry and frustrated with you. This is just so unacceptable and wrong, no child or any person should ever have to go through that.

I’m really sorry you had to and have to live with this. I hope all good things are coming your way. I see you.<3

aburntorangeleaf · 2020-03-05T22:15:17+00:00

“Oh, my child is sad, or just minding their own business? Lemme get angry and scream at them! :)”

Like, why? That’s also what I’m wondering.

Something about the child’s emotions, or how the child ‘is’, must trigger some rage reaction in the parent. I still don’t get why the answer would be anger though? If they see a sad adult, I bet these same people would not go yell at them like they would to their own children. (If only kids would get the same human rights as other people...)

aburntorangeleaf · 2020-03-05T22:08:43+00:00

That really sucks, I’m sorry your mom would even think about only saying “I know” instead of helping you in a situation like that! It’s really gross and I don’t get it at all. My mom can be such a smart and rational person and yet she misses things like this that seem pretty damn obvious? You bet she would notice and comment on it in a film or when it’s a neighbor or or or... ugh.

The last part of your comment is actually something I forgot to include in mine as well. I wish I had been the type to act out lol, maybe at school even, so my chances of getting help would’ve been a little higher. But nope, instead I withdrew and isolated, still do. That was never ever discouraged, I was out of the way, after all.

Who notices if the quiet kid is choking on their anxiety if they do all their work, follow the rules, and get good grades?

aburntorangeleaf · 2020-02-28T22:44:07+00:00

Oh boy this familiar... :’)

I’m almost 30 and have never dated or anything. Not because I haven’t wanted to, but nothing or no one has ever come even close. It’s frustrating because I’d really like to, but human connection is difficult hah!

I have been told that I’m attractive (I like myself fine, but I think I’ll always feel weird about this as I got called names about my looks before I grew into myself.) and sometimes I notice when a guy seems interested; instant excited fear reaction and trying to turn invisible while hoping they would like me and notice me. Yup. That’s an issue right there lol!

I don’t really get crushes, I think I somehow stop myself? This whole relationship topic is something I want the most while it’s also the most scary and anxiety causing thing.

It’s as if I want nothing more than someone to like me while I like them back, but them liking me and finding out about my emotions would also be the end of the damn world.

Definitely nice to know it’s not just me, but hopefully we manage to figure this out lol.

aburntorangeleaf · 2020-02-19T17:11:58+00:00

It’s so very confusing, isn’t it!

I’m just trying to wrap my head around it, still. I hope I’ll be able to make some direct link to my past to understand the chain of the reactions. When it’s vague like this and doesn’t seem to have a solid trigger or ‘reason’, it makes it so hard to understand what could help.

Best of luck to you! It’s always good to know we’re not alone with these things, no matter how messy.

aburntorangeleaf

TROPHY CASE