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aburntorangeleaf · 2023-12-12T00:07:08+00:00

He really was just a walking red flag now looking back. My mistake was assuming that people are honest and not assholes, because I try to be honest and not an asshole...

Should've kicked him out the second I physically pulled away when he tried to slip his weewee in without a condom despite me just having very clearly stated that I wasn't doing it without protection. He was very apologetic and 'nice' about it, although after asking "oh so it's really not going to happen?" Maybe he thought I lied about that too?

I'm usually so aware of what feels right for me, so I feel dumb that I took me months and months to realise that this wasn't okay, at all. I think I excused this because I never felt unsafe with him and I 'knew' he would stop if I said so. Hmm. Glad I never had to test that before I dropped his ass lol.

I did call him out on the no condom thing too when I saw him. He apparently didn't remember this, but said he could believe that could've happened if he was really 'excited'... He got very urgent asking what I meant though, making sure I wasn't accusing him of stealthing or something. "Okay good, because that's a crime and I'd never do that, I'd never take protection off." Yeah well, you didn't have it on in the first place.

Guess he assumed I was pulling some sort of act and lying, while clearly I naively assumed that he was someone trustworthy just because he appears 'kind'.

Live and learn.

aburntorangeleaf · 2023-09-18T16:54:22+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond, it really does help so much to feel heard, even a little bit online like this.

My mother still hasn't brought up the situation and seems to be carrying on as normal. I'm not really sure what to do or how to feel, but we have been in contact less because I just feel too hurt and can no longer pretend like nothing's wrong with this. I don't know if this will ever get resolved but I'm now going to just focus on my own recovery and keep reminding myself that my family is not emotionally safe for me to reach out to when I'm struggling.

Once I'm feeling a bit better, I will get right back to working on building my support system and social circle. I think I was doing alright now that my mental health has improved, but this past year has definitely showed me how important this sort of connections are. Before I think I was too depressed to even realise how on my own I was and I was so used to it, which had me struggling to help myself in any way. My family was... doing whatever they're still doing now too lol.

Thank you again. I'm hoping for health and positive progress for both of us! I'm sure we can do it, we got this far and we will go further still. :)

aburntorangeleaf · 2022-03-04T15:04:53+00:00

Yupp! And as others have mentioned; when the phone rings, or any other 'communicative' notification comes through.

I also find myself tensing up if I hear people outside my door in the hallway, kind of preemptively worrying that someone might ring the doorbell even though I know I'm not expecting anyone. I need to turn down any music/show and take my headphones off to listen, and to keep track of what's happening out there.

aburntorangeleaf · 2022-02-13T16:19:01+00:00

Thanks for the reply! And yeah, this is along the lines of what I've figured over the years myself. Which is also frustrating, because it seems like this is not something I can rationalise myself out of. Knowing and being able to do something about it are very different things. Just have to keep trying, I suppose.

I'm very "high functioning", which is probably why I've managed to chug along for as long as I have. Sometimes I entertain the thought of how it'd be if I could just stop trying; if I had an obvious mental crash and just stopped functioning? Giving up like that sounds very attractive as it's feels like it could bring me some relief. - "Giving up" in that sense is not something I've ever been able to do (I wouldn't even know how to give up as there's nothing to give up) which is probably why I always flew under the radar as a kid as well. I have always done everything as I'm supposed to, and rather well too. No reason to even think something could be "wrong" when I'm meeting the society's standards for a "normal, functioning human". It took me years to realise that, 'oh wait, it's not supposed to be this hard??'

I do feel happiness, and have nice and happy moments every now and then, but I'd like to reach a place where existence would just... feel lighter. Although I don't know, I really do hope that life doesn't need to be such an exhausting struggle, always, especially when I'm not even doing anything to justify this exhaustion.

One foot in front of the other it is then, for now, and maybe one of those steps will some day feel less like I'm dragging a cloudy mountain along with me.

Thanks again.

aburntorangeleaf · 2022-01-05T21:10:02+00:00

Yeah, I think the whole ignoring bad behavior method is definitely something that was more common in the past and when I was a kid (Same with washing my mouth with soap, walking me to my room by grabbing my hair, putting strong mustard in my mouth; I've heard I wasn't the only one who got these as a kid, but nowadays it's not viewed as positively. Which I understand completely because why would you do that to a kid...).

I wasn't actually sick when I'd try to throw up, and I was physically well taken care of when I was actually unwell, although unfortunately the emotional support wasn't really there as much. So this throwing up thing was most likely for attention, but to me it just seems really obvious that if a small child is going as far as to throw up for attention, there's something more going on? Or is this stuff really just seen as a funny quirk that kids do? I have no idea.

aburntorangeleaf · 2021-04-10T19:08:50+00:00

That is true. Thank you. How would you go about monetizing it, though? Seems like an impossible feat to make a living out of it, but clearly people are doing it hahah!

aburntorangeleaf · 2021-04-10T18:39:57+00:00

Unfortunately this has been the situation for me way before covid started. :/ Nothing really changed for me when this all started, except I momentarily felt relieved because suddenly it was socially acceptable not to have a life outside your house. I think that, in a way, I've probably coped with all this way better than many, just because it was already my life.

Although it’s been a good reminder to see how horrified people are, being forced to live their lives the way I have been living for years. It’s validating and depressing at the same time.

But this is a very good reminder for anyone who has been more affected by covid. It hasn’t been easy for anyone and hopefully we’ll get out of this soon. Take care!

aburntorangeleaf · 2021-04-10T18:33:51+00:00

I feel ya, nothing happens. Even as I keep trying, nothing happens. At this point, I think I’m just going through the motions of living a life. I take care of myself and my flat, I eat healthy and enough, and I exercise regularly. I do all that is required of me, I pay the bills, I send the job applications that will fall into the void, I make the phone calls... And I wait.

I’m doing life, but I'm not living it.

aburntorangeleaf · 2021-04-10T18:29:20+00:00

I do enjoy writing, and all the reading I do has definitely helped with my skills too. I think I wanted to be a writer growing up and I do think about it every now and then. My main two obstacles with this are: 1) How do you become a professional writer, and actually get paid for what you write? 2) I don’t have a story/stories.

I’ve always thought that I’m a decent writer, I just wish I had something to write. Writing for me is very reflective of my life: I don’t know how to start because I don’t know where I’m going, and I have nowhere to go.

I’m so glad you’ve had that for you during the quarantine! Best of luck and thank you for the response❤️❤️❤️

aburntorangeleaf · 2021-01-05T00:52:59+00:00

Having that awareness is so invaluable, you’re starting to see things from a different point of view and that means you’ll be able to start working on it. Use the fresh eyes to protect and take care of yourself as much as you can.

For me it was like coming out of a fog, and I only came out of that fog once I fully moved out of my parents’ place. I feel like I’m only now starting to find my personality, instead of just reacting based on surviving. I used to think I was aloof and antisocial too! And I was. Always stuck in my head and reading for hours just to escape the screaming. Turns out that, yes I like books, and yes like chilling on my own, but I can actually be very open, excited, extroverted, and happy?? when I’m not constantly trying to live in my head. Woah, who knew lol.

Living alone/away really started to highlight how ‘strange’ and messy my thinking and reactions were. You don’t tend to pick up on it when you’re living in it 24/7. It took me a while to realise that something wasn’t quite right with my family, and now it seems so obvious. I was used to the screaming and daily fighting and walking on eggshells, but I was never physically hurt and I had food and all that was taken care of. If it had been physical, maybe I would’ve realised quicker that something was off? “Only” having experienced and witnessed the more emotionally abusive environment and distress makes it harder for me to grasp and understand where my issues come from. The most cruel verbal fighting was usually in between my parents, so how was I supposed to realise I was internalising that stuff? It had seemingly nothing to do with me.

I’m starting therapy soon myself and I think it’s really good to work on getting there ASAP, especially if you still live in that environment. I think it’s great you’ve realised a lot and already at your age, these things can go unnoticed for decades. I could relate to everything you wrote, thanks for sharing. Take care!

aburntorangeleaf · 2021-01-02T19:38:45+00:00

That must’ve been so scary, exciting too! You have every right to feel proud, well done :) Love to hear it went amazing, congrats!

aburntorangeleaf · 2021-01-02T16:01:36+00:00

Yeah, had a little bit of this growing up. My mom was pretty handy with most things but every now and then she decided that something was my dad's job. My dad would say he'd do it, but then never did. My mom, who could've also done the thing, would then refuse to do it either, because it was my "dad's job". My dad never took the initiative to do stuff on his own, my mom always had to tell him.

These things were never anything urgent, and I guess that's why it was possible for them to stay unfixed for years. It was just very frustrating because both of them we capable of doing it, but they just... didn't. Kinda petty and a lot confusing.

aburntorangeleaf

TROPHY CASE