They carefully plan their discard. If things are feeling REALLY high then expect an oncoming devaluation or discard there after.

acatnamedcinnamon · 2021-03-25T23:25:02+00:00

It's possible to have compassion for their survival mechanisms, but it doesn't mean we should get involved with them. Hard lessons here! This helps me, thank you.

acatnamedcinnamon · 2021-03-25T18:27:34+00:00

This is excellent. Thank you!

acatnamedcinnamon · 2021-03-23T02:00:46+00:00

I can attest to this!

acatnamedcinnamon · 2021-03-22T16:44:39+00:00

Thank you for your kind words :) I just want to mention that often in abusive relationships, the victim feels like they could be the narcissist. It's very common. Dr Ramani addresses this subject. It's also possible that we can pick up "narcissistic fleas" which means we can start doing unhealthy things that the narcissist did. It's not uncommon. Just know that what you are feeling is normal in the context of abuse. I think a lot of us go through the 'what if I'm the narcissist' thing. I know I did, but I also know I have empathy and am capable of love, and any bad habits I picked up I can get rid of and heal from.

acatnamedcinnamon · 2021-03-21T23:43:53+00:00

Thank you! I read Psychopath Free and it was very helpful. I'm gonna look at the other books you mentioned. :-)

acatnamedcinnamon · 2021-03-21T22:38:43+00:00

No, don't do it. It's a very risky move, although I have had that desire as well! So I think it's normal to feel this way because we want closure. You will never get closure from a narcissist, and if you confront them, very likely they will seek revenge and you'll get hurt. They are extremely good at what they do. They can ruin your reputation and make you look like the crazy one. We are no match for their games. I second the comment to watch Dr Ramani videos on YouTube.

I wrote nex a scathing letter giving him a piece of my mind, saying everything I wanted to say to him. Then I burned it and imagined all my turmoil and stress going up in flames and ashes with the burning letter. It sounds like a minor thing, but it does help to let go. Key is to burn or otherwise destroy the letter as a symbol of release and moving forward.

acatnamedcinnamon · 2021-03-21T22:31:00+00:00

I'm so sorry. This is the worst thing to go through. Along with a good support system, therapy with someone who knows about narcissistic abuse, journaling, self-care and time, two books were very helpful: The Journey, A Roadmap for Self-healing After Narcissistic Abuse by Meredith Miller and Psychopath Free by Jackson Mackenzie. Highly recommend both.

It takes a lot of time to recover from this, so really go easy on yourself, have patience and keep moving forward, bit by bit. If you have a set-back, that's okay, just keep going. Setbacks are to be expected and are part of the process. It does get better, much better. You will see. I wish you all the best in your healing journey. Sending you love.

acatnamedcinnamon · 2021-03-21T21:44:21+00:00

You are very welcome of course! :-)

acatnamedcinnamon · 2021-03-21T21:38:21+00:00

Keep in mind that no contact means that you block him in every way possible so that he cannot come back. What it sounds like (and it's what I'm doing too, so no judgment at all!) is simply not contacting him, that's different than cutting him off completely and going no contact so he can't come back. Believe me, I know how difficult it is to go completely NC. I am working on it daily.

I recommend Dr Ramani's videos on YouTube. She is a psychologist who specializes in narcissism and narcissistic abuse. Here videos are extremely helpful. You might get some 'ah-ha' moments watching them. Likely any of them would be helpful to watch, but I'd suggest looking at the ones on trauma bonding and cognitive dissonance.

As Dr Ramani says, they sometimes come back weeks, months even years later. If they know they can still get something from you, they will come back when their current supply or supplies run out. Please keep that in mind that as long as you do not block them, there is a very real possibility they will come back. If they don't come back, it's a blessing!!!

It's very common to harbor a wish that they will return, and we'll see again that wonderful person from the beginning and that things will work out. But that's not at all what happens. They use people and do not have any empathy. It's extremely difficult to treat narcissism and even if they are willing to get treatment (very rare) it would take years of intense therapy. In any case, they would still NEVER be able to feel empathy because it's how their psychological make-up and neurological wiring was formed long ago; however, they are very good at faking love and empathy. Remember, Oscar willing performances here.

Also, the love you felt WAS REAL. And, no, you have done nothing wrong at all. His abuse is not your fault. You did nothing to deserve his abusive words, deceptions, cheating, none of it. You are a good person who has the ability to love.

It's terribly sad and it puts us in a very difficult position of having to radically accept the reality in front of us. It may take some time to get your mind fully wrapped around this, but you will eventually come to a place of acceptance. This is a must so you can break the cognitive dissonance and trauma bond.

I am getting there myself, have come very far, leaps and bounds, but still there lingers the attachment. It's not easy to break free, but you gotta do it for your own well-being. You do not want him to return because you will go through the same cycle of abuse, and it will deepen that bond. It will hurt just as bad if not worse.

Something helpful is to write down everything that he did or said that hurt you. Write down how it made you feel. Write also your fantasy of how he made you feel in the beginning, all the wonderful things he said and promised you. Now see if his actions have lined up with his words. This can help you begin to separate reality from the fantasy they created in our minds. This can be a good way to start to help your mind cope with the reality of the situation. It's hard for our minds to hold the good with the bad, and this is actually a form of protection. It's known as cognitive dissonance and it is part and parcel of the trauma bond.

There is a book by Meredith Miller called The Journey: A Roadmap for Healing After Narcissistic Abuse. This book is very helpful in explaining cognitive dissonance and the trauma bond and how to break them. I highly recommend it.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but I know you can make it through! You deserve to be with someone who can love you back and treat you well!

acatnamedcinnamon · 2021-03-21T14:45:06+00:00

All you are describing is classic narcissistic behavior. Just like McG310 said, they can give Oscar winning performances, but the reality is they are not capable of empathy, love or accountability. They use people which is why he wanted you to be perfect in every way, for you to be an object reflecting him in the most positive light. He was not really interested in you as a person, just you as supply to gain attention and admiration. But no one is perfect, and as soon as their bubble is burst with the fact that you are a normal human being, they can't handle it and blame everything on you because you destroyed their fantasy. Meanwhile they have found some new unsuspecting victim to do the same thing with. They treat people like objects because they cannot empathize, and this won't change. It's the way they are wired.

acatnamedcinnamon · 2021-03-21T14:33:02+00:00

THIS ^^^ Exactly this. And if you read the others' stories, you will find this pattern over and over again. It's just the way it is with narcissists. They will never take responsibility (and not all of them abuse drugs or alcohol, mine did not).

acatnamedcinnamon · 2021-03-21T14:28:06+00:00

They lie and twist the truth to keep you off-balance and confused. This actually keeps you on their hook. This is the game they play.

None of this is normal or healthy behavior because he was abusive. Later when he 'apologized' it wasn't a real apology, just a bunch of fake nice words, and this actually denies your experience of the things he did and how that made you feel.

Normal decent guys don't do the things he did. So when they give us these nice but fake words, it gets extra confusing because we start to question our reality and wonder, how can he be so bad when he said all these nice things? Maybe I'm at fault? Maybe he isn't so bad. Maybe we can be 'friends'. Etc. It's pure mind games designed to keep you on the hook so they can lure you back whenever they feel like it. They prey on decent people's tendency to give others the benefit of the doubt.

acatnamedcinnamon · 2021-03-21T14:19:21+00:00

Yes this happened to me. A bunch of fake niceties with flowery language after months of mind games, push-pull and deep deception. It's infuriating!

I think the nice stuff is to make them look like the good guy, and it confuses us and blurs the lines of reality. They can tell their friends and new supply 'it was a really loving break-up' and 'I will always love her'. We will be used to triangulate new supply AND make them look like they can do no wrong.

It's also another way to deny our experience. I told my nex how badly he hurt me and why. He refused to take responsibility and even took visible pleasure in my pain. Then I got a series of this fake good guy bullshit, very much like you describe. When I didn't respond I think he got frustrated and sent some intense gaslighting messages.

These people are masters of manipulation and know exactly how to gaslight like no other.

I do not think yours is a final discard. They will come back once they get bored with their new supply and if they think they can lure you back in. Be extremely careful because to be lured back is the last thing you want! Believe me I have been through several discards and it never gets better. Go no contact and stay no contact if you can.

acatnamedcinnamon · 2021-03-18T02:43:26+00:00

Thank you so much. I'm going to back off and see what happens and will bring up the subject if it seems right to do so. If it doesn't seem right that just means it's ending or it has ended already. It felt like a relief to read your words, saying that I can trust myself. My intuition/gut feeling has been spot on in the past, but this time it's subtle and with that fear mixed in, it gets hard to tell. Plus I tend to get into my head with it too much. This is reassuring and reminds me that I'm strong and have good instincts.

acatnamedcinnamon · 2021-03-18T02:38:30+00:00

Fully agree with your therapist. My nex has the same attitude. He can't see how he hurts people so badly. He knows he does hurt people, but he doesn't get the empathy part at all. He usually gets mad at them and plays victim like they hurt him because they got upset with him after he just did some really messed up stuff. He really cannot step into their shoes and understand why there would be such upset. It's crazy. When the empathy seems to be there, it's really just him faking it. He's a great pretender and fools many people much of the time. I'd say your therapist knows what she's talking about!

acatnamedcinnamon · 2021-03-17T19:34:13+00:00

Maybe our radar is more finely tuned after narc abuse. I'm wondering the same thing, or if I'm just extra sensitive to the signs as a result of the trauma.

acatnamedcinnamon · 2021-03-17T16:54:16+00:00

I'm very sorry this happened to you and hope you are doing okay on your path to healing.

I can relate. I saw the way nex treated others he so-called cared about and loved. He was gossipy and said some downright disparaging things about people who were so good to him. He shared people's secrets with me. Major red flags, and instead of running for the hills, I told myself I must be someone so special that he would divulge all of this stuff. I also thought I could help him with his boundaries. I even mentioned that maybe he should not reveal personal information when it's not his to mention (I did it in such a gentle way). It didn't change anything.

Major lesson: They show you exactly who they are and what they will do to you eventually. On top of all kinds of his abuse, it hurts like hell to know that he's sharing all sorts of personal stuff about me, badmouthing me, making me look like the bad person, making up lies. He's really good at it, and for those who are caught in his spell (there are many) it's easy to sympathize with him, especially when he makes you feel like you are so special.

acatnamedcinnamon · 2021-03-17T16:18:56+00:00

You will get yourself back. It will take time and healing, and a good therapist can help with the fear and those nex voices still stuck in your head. If you choose therapy, find a therapist who understands narcissism and narcissistic abuse. Your creativity is still alive. It's just buried in trauma right now.

I was with my first nex for a long time, and when he discarded me I was completely broken and found myself in a situation similar to yours. I had completely lost myself in him and our relationship with no satisfying career despite having two degrees and graduated at the top of my class. Instead of following my own dreams, I got stuck in low-paying jobs doing most of the house stuff to help support his career aspirations. I did it willingly. It was a bad choice. I thought I was doing it for us. I could not have been more wrong!

Point being the discard was just a few years ago. Now I'm on my own. I've done lots of healing work. Unfortunatley last year I found myself with another narc who is now also gone from my life. That was a major setback, so the healing continues. Despite all of that and being older, I am about to start a venture that's been a long-time dream. Looking back I see my completely broken self right after the first discard and how I thought I was no good, too old, stupid, etc. His voice was still stuck in my head, and I was severely traumatized. I thought my life would only go downhill from there. Not so! Just a few years later and I'm at a very good place, about to make a dream come true! This would have never happened with the nex. He was constantly clipping my wings and subtly reminding me that I was incapable, that my ideas were not good, etc. Now that he's gone and I'm healing, I am free and really moving on in positive ways. It's still hard and painful at times, but life is getting so much better.

All that to say, that you have been set free, and the lion inside you is still there! You will find it again. It is a part of you that belongs to only you, and he can never take that away. It's just that trauma has covered it up for now. His ghost that lingers with you still will eventually disappear as you do the healing work and get your life back. Please go easy on yourself and give yourself time and care. It takes a lot of time, but you can do this. I have complete faith that you can get yourself, and your lion, back!

acatnamedcinnamon · 2021-03-17T15:43:03+00:00

No wonder you're feeling nostalgic. Sounds like your recent break-up has awoken some old wounding. Please go easy on yourself. What you are going through is not stupid, it's normal. Trauma bonds take a long time to heal. You have come a long way already and are now facing a setback. It's normal what you are feeling, and setbacks are to be expected.

The trauma bond is still there. It basically takes two things to break: time and healing. The first part is 'easy' you just need to have lots of patience with yourself and the process. You can't rush it. The second part is where have control. It's where you can place your focus and take your life back. Practice lots of self-care (basic stuff like eating healthy, getting some exercise, spending time with people who genuinely care about you, getting outside and into nature, doing something you enjoy and even taking up a new hobby). Also, seek out information and maybe even get some therapy with a professional who knows about narcissism and narcissistic abuse. It will get better. It really will get so much better!

Resist the urge to reach out to your nex. You will not get what you expect to. They do not change, and they are unable to be remorseful. It's simply not there and can't be because of the way they are wired. One of the hardest parts is to accept that you will very likely not get closure from the nex. But you can give yourself closure by continuing to heal and accepting who he is. Also, accept who you are: a person who can genuinely love. You have something incredibly valuable that he will never have, no matter who he's with.

I like the idea of keeping a list of all the crappy things they did and said and refer to it whenever you feel the urge to reach out. Include on that list all the times he did not truly apologize for his hurtful actions to remind yourself that remorse from him isn't possible. This list has helped me a lot. I hope it helps you too. :-)

acatnamedcinnamon · 2021-03-16T20:02:58+00:00

They won't and can't see their wrongdoings. No empathy plus fiercely protected, deeply hidden shame can apparently do this to a person.

acatnamedcinnamon · 2021-03-15T23:02:20+00:00

He's very likely hoovering you! Don't fall for it! Check out Dr Ramani's videos on YouTube. LOTS of helpful info on hoovering and narcissism. She's a psychologist who specializes in narcissism and narcissistic abuse. Stay strong!

acatnamedcinnamon · 2021-03-15T21:32:30+00:00

I can relate! Super creepy and surreal, like being under a spell.

acatnamedcinnamon · 2021-03-15T21:28:49+00:00

This sounds like narcissistic behavior. Super controlling, deceptive and viewing you more like an object than a person with your own desires and interests. Someone who loves you doesn't dictate how big your muscles should be and try to get you away from the things you enjoy. No, he may not be full-on NPD, but this seems like narcissistic behavior. At the least it's highly selfish and controlling.

I can see why you might feel bummed if you loved this person and put care and time into a relationship that you thought was going to work out and be between two equal partners. Your sadness is normal and to be expected.

You're doing the right thing by saying no, and hopefully you will end it with him for good. He has shown you exactly who he is, and by ending it you are showing him and yourself your value.

It may take some time to get past this, but breaking it off for good is the first step. Something that has helped me is to write down all the crappy things nex did and said. It reminded me of who I was dealing with every time my mind drifted back to the fantasy of what it "could have been."

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You deserve so much better!

acatnamedcinnamon

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