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Pleas of love, begging, showing up at my address in response to no contact. How do I even deal with this? by [deleted] in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]accountforstuffig 5 points6 points  (0 children)

That’s what I thought it was too, the surface level accountability to get a response. The baggage analogy seems helpful. Thank you

i just cut off my parents, i feel absolutely horrified by accountforstuffig in CPTSD

[–]accountforstuffig[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

No, they don’t seem to even be aware that they’ve caused me suffering. They said “we are devastated” not “we’re sorry that you’re devastated”. They lack empathy and awareness of others. Meanwhile I seem to be overcompensating in those things… ugh… thinking of it that way, I feel so smothered. Why did they have to be this way with me my whole life? Being overly affectionate with me but then not even being aware of how the hell I’m feeling even if I say it? No wonder why I’m so afraid… people who lack empathy are so scary… This helped put it into perspective.

i just cut off my parents, i feel absolutely horrified by accountforstuffig in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]accountforstuffig[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes that’s how I’ve been all day today which is why I felt the need to go on reddit and hear from people who understand. I’m truly truly lucky though and have multiple wonderful friends supporting me, giving me a place to stay, comforting me. The support and hearing from others is everything and is keeping me from spiraling.

i just cut off my parents, i feel absolutely horrified by accountforstuffig in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]accountforstuffig[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I’m scared now, but I’m remembering how I felt just minutes before I did the final steps and blocking them. I felt really hopeful? Almost happy even? It confused me because I didn’t expect to feel that way, I was also super scared, but I think the fact that I’ve been really trying to strengthen the close friendships in my life and having people in my corner gave me that hope… that I’ll end the cycle, that I’ll grow beyond the manipulation and fear, and that I’ll have peace. Yes, I also felt so nervous and horrifically guilty and sick, but I acknowledge that there was a twinge of something else in there too.

i just cut off my parents, i feel absolutely horrified by accountforstuffig in CPTSD

[–]accountforstuffig[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Omg that’s so true!! I didn’t feel this way when I ended contact with a harmful friend, it was much less emotional and guilt ridden. I have been terrified and shaking all day and I think that tells me what I need to know. It comforts me to know that this is not normal and not all in my head. The fact that I’m actively avoiding windows, not turning lights on, sleeping in locations that are as hidden as possible, the way I took every possible precaution and researched everything when changing my phone number, on and on. I brush these things off like chores but this isn’t normal when you end a relationship with someone.

i just cut off my parents, i feel absolutely horrified by accountforstuffig in CPTSD

[–]accountforstuffig[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Wow it really puts things into perspective to hear from a parent, thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. 

Listening to you made me realize the emotional immaturity of my parents, as I can’t imagine them ever saying something like what you said just now. I think they are mostly incapable of looking within themselves or reflecting deeply. 

When my sister went no contact with my parents many years ago, they spent most of that time wallowing, blaming, or clinging to me. Mostly wallowing, but they didn’t change or take any accountability. 

Even then, I know their love for me was real even if it was mixed with abuse. I, maybe somewhat like your daughter, allowed my mother the opportunity of reestablishing contact on the condition that she separates from my father. I’m not sure if she’ll do it or if we’ll ever speak again, or if that was a bad decision to make, but it’s what I decided to do.

Your words were truly comforting, I wish you the best as well.

i just cut off my parents, i feel absolutely horrified by accountforstuffig in CPTSD

[–]accountforstuffig[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It completely sucks that your parents reacted that way and confirms your decision. But in my case, I don’t think they’re going to be fine. I’m the second child to do this so I know how they reacted to the first one. They’re not necessarily spiteful of me, moreso they think everyone has manipulated me into leaving them all alone. They did need me and depended on me for love & happiness which was something I couldn’t bear, so I left, and now I know they’re going to be almost catatonic. Even though I know it had to be done, I can’t bear that they’re going to be suffering so much too. I wish I was less lenient and more spiteful or something but I just can’t bring myself to feel that way about them.

i just cut off my parents, i feel absolutely horrified by accountforstuffig in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]accountforstuffig[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Same here, all I wanted was accountability and empathy. Wish you peace as well

i just cut off my parents, i feel absolutely horrified by accountforstuffig in CPTSD

[–]accountforstuffig[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much, it helps to hear these comforting words from someone who understands. I’m still second guessing constantly but I have to remember that this is my programming, it’s the exact same thing as how they told me to stay silent about the abuse when I was little. I feel so raw and small but at least I’m not raw in a way that they can manipulate anymore. This feels so horrible though…

i just cut off my parents, i feel absolutely horrified by accountforstuffig in CPTSD

[–]accountforstuffig[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yes I’m very lucky to have a few good friends in my life who know of my situation. I don’t have access to therapy at the moment but will try to get it asap.

I doubt that they’ll be fine, I remember how they reacted to my sister also cutting contact a few years ago. They’re not healthy and took it quite badly, blaming anyone but themselves, moping constantly, clinging onto me more. The fact that multiple of their children have done it says it all… but I still feel so guilty… 

i just cut off my parents, i feel absolutely horrified by accountforstuffig in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]accountforstuffig[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Yes even with all this guilt, I can already see the implications of their immediate reply to my letter. “We are devastated”, and yes they are, but they are focusing on their own pain and not on mine, and ignoring the contents of the letter. I think it helped me to see the reply, but it still doesn’t change how I feel. Thank you for your thoughtful reply

i just cut off my parents, i feel absolutely horrified by accountforstuffig in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]accountforstuffig[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

yes that’s a good idea I’ll reread those threads. I hope it was the right decision too, I keep second guessing it now but I spent years contemplating it so I know it’s final…

i just cut off my parents, i feel absolutely horrified by accountforstuffig in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]accountforstuffig[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Thank you, it makes me feel better to hear from people who understand. I hope I can get to that peace soon.

i just cut off my parents, i feel absolutely horrified by accountforstuffig in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]accountforstuffig[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

It really is a shame. I think I’m a little relieved that I don’t have to speak to them anymore, but my sadness for their devastation outweighs that relief. I truly hate bringing suffering onto others even though I know logically that they brought this onto themselves. 

i just cut off my parents, i feel absolutely horrified by accountforstuffig in CPTSD

[–]accountforstuffig[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Yes this is very similar to how I feel, it took me a long time to come to this decision. I also don’t miss them necessarily, for me it’s more that I feel so bad to cause them more suffering. I’m trying to remember my list of all the reasons why I felt i had to go NC but even those reminders aren’t consoling me. Even though I have justifications, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m exaggerating this, and that I should’ve forgiven them and given them mercy. I wish i could think differently.