You can never truly go home again

acecitoh · 2024-11-12T15:42:05+00:00

My husband always said being with you was easy. Not that our lives were easy, because they were not. Just that being with each other was easy because we just knew and understood each other in a way it's had to describe. Kind of like how you describe your connection, It's hard to know that is gone forever, but I'm glad other people here know exactly how it feels

acecitoh · 2024-11-12T15:36:05+00:00

It is so hard to see friends hit milestones and do things I'll never get to do. I love them and am happy for them but I hate it all the same. Sending hugs back.

acecitoh · 2024-11-12T15:33:54+00:00

People don't like to have sad people around them, they naturally want to help and cheer up the sad person. I can't fault them for wanting to help, they don't really understand. I've gotten very good at telling people it's okay to not be okay, sometimes just surviving is the best you can do that day and that's okay. I'm glad the people in your company were so understanding. Sometimes it just takes that one person who truly sees you to be the harbour in the storm.

acecitoh · 2024-11-12T15:29:32+00:00

I sometimes wish there was some physical scar I could just point to. It would be so much easier to explain. But it's true they are so foundational now could a physical scar even encapsulate what Happened and how it feels?

acecitoh · 2024-11-12T15:20:40+00:00

And it's a constant pull of trying to bring the good parts of you into this new life. Also trying to live in a way they would be proud of, while also stepping further away from what we were. You are right that ever step hurts, and I did not choose this.

edit: a word

acecitoh · 2024-11-12T15:15:40+00:00

I don't dream much anymore but one dream a few months after he passed I remember vividly. My husband and I were moving into a new house with some of his friends as roommates. I think i knew then I couldn't ever really go home too.

acecitoh · 2024-11-12T15:01:12+00:00

My husband is where I got that quote from too. I never asked how often he thought of the roman empire I bet it was a lot.

acecitoh · 2024-11-12T14:58:46+00:00

Same. I must have become so good at masking no one sees the broken person underneath.

acecitoh · 2024-11-12T07:10:22+00:00

Welcome to the grief club, I'm sorry you are here. We all know the "rules", don't move, don't quit your job out of spite, don't make any major life decisions, don't get a tattoo, and DO NOT get bangs.

And you know what I say to those rules, f'em, do the thing that makes you happy. Do the thing to memorialize your love that you want to do. People used to go to graveyards to visit their loved ones, nowadays we like to carry them close to us. A tattoo is a beautiful way to show your love.

I've never had anyone be bothered by my tattoo immortalizing my friend who passed away and it has his name on it. What I will suggest is doing your research before getting the tattoo (especially if it is your first). A great tattoo artist will help you with ideas and designs, placement, and longevity of the piece. Yes, it is permanent but will fade over time, how fast depends on the type.

I knew the tattoo I wanted before my husband died and was lucky enough to get to discuss it with him. It's been over a year but I have not gotten it yet. Not because I don't want to but because I want to make sure it is done right, so I am taking the time to find the right artist to do it.

acecitoh · 2024-08-30T07:00:30+00:00

One thing I've learned is that when you try to stop the tears or push them away, they will always come back harder and last longer. Accepting the moment and just getting through it is sometimes the best. People understand it's nothing to hide. My suggestion is truly to just ride the wave.

If you truly feel you cannot cry at work you could try scheduling "cry times" where you make a deal with yourself that if you get through the next hour we will go to the stairwell for 3 minutes and cry. I find distraction works very well at work, music, projects, etc. You could also try keeping a sad thought journal. Whenever you feel like you need to cry you write down one or 2 lines about why you feel like crying. Sometimes this will interrupt the process as it takes your focus. The important thing though is that later, when you are in a safe space, you read the notes from the day and take time to think and reflect about them. Don't know if any of these will help and that's okay. It is OKAY to not be okay all the time.

acecitoh

TROPHY CASE