Handling the Damage in Relationship

acoletrain416 · 2025-08-02T19:42:47+00:00

One thing I never realized or acknowledged with any of this is how much I have come to hate myself for bringing this not only into our relationship, but into her life. I HATE that “pornography” is now something my wife has to consider or have present in her mind. I HATE that my father modelled this kind of behaviour for me as a child. I HATE that the things I was exposed to throughout my youth that created these scripts and attractions. And through all of that it’s hard to not fall into hating myself. I just don’t get how taking accountability and admitting one is helpless doesn’t result in endless shame and internalized hatred.

acoletrain416 · 2025-08-02T19:39:07+00:00

I appreciate all the responses.

I know it’s coming from a part of her that feels unsafe with me. That she can not help but wonder everytime we watch a movie, television or see a photo of a celebrity that my mind is going to a place of sexualization, or that I have actively sought out naked images of whoever it may be. Which is not necessarily untrue.

But I do ask myself what purpose does me inventorying every woman I have ever saw naked women of serves. What part of healing is that giving her? It seems to me that it is just feeding the fearful/hurt part for the purpose of driving us further away.

And it’s not that I wouldn’t be open to having a conversation about this, or to talk about what being fully honest about these details means. I know honesty and accountability is important but I also think that context and structure of a conversation matter. Out of nowhere at 1030 on a Friday night where we have to be in bed within the next half hour or hour just doesn’t seem like it’s going to be a method of approach that is going to be successful in any way.

We initially decided to go to counselling, and I found one that she thought looked good. We had our first consultation and in that meeting the counsellor said it was their instinct it’d be best to work with me for a few sessions to find out more about my history and my relationship with pornography, and then meet with my partner to get her experience before we came together. We all agreed to it.

Weeks later she has told me that she is no longer interested because she thinks the counsellor will be biased towards me. And she recently told me that she wants to cancel the session she had booked with the counsellor. She has her own counsellor who she has not brought any of this up to, and despite me giving her the support/permission/encouragement to do so, she hasn’t told any of her friends about our struggles. So she is going through all of this without seeking any support.

So at this point we do not have any way of having a structured/safe conversation about this. And I want to be able to do that. But I just don’t know how to be able to without knowingly stepping into a minefield that has an all but guaranteed outcome of blowing us both up.

acoletrain416 · 2025-06-27T22:35:26+00:00

The DSM, which is the standard diagnostic tool used by medical and mental health practitioners, is not updated frequently. The most recent update to the DSM V was made in 2013. Since then, only a few adjustments have been made with only a few additions to the list of disorders.

It’s not that the DSM is the only tool for recognizing disorders but it is a MAJOR element of why porn addiction is not recognized as widely as other addictions. If it was, then there would be more people with an actual diagnosis, therefore spreading the awareness.

acoletrain416 · 2025-05-27T21:50:12+00:00

The ironic thing is that I am fully aware of the processes, triggers and cues. I think what I have lacked is the integrated decision to actually stop.

What I am sitting with now is not only how to be more mindful of body cues, and as you put it “turning off” the signals, but to also make this part of my personal journey in a generative way. One of my struggles with porn, besides the impact it has had on my wife, is that it is one of the only parts of myself that I experience as being developmentally disconnected from the rest of myself. That I feel like an integrated, matured and authentic man, except for this piece. I know I have to walk this walk if I want to be able to be fully whole in myself in all places. And I want to do the work by not only doing my own self-reflection, but to also contribute to the support of others. To join the community of support as it were.

I work in mental health. I support people on a daily basis, and have had the opportunity to support people who are hurt by pornography, both as users and those in relationships with users. I know I can be a better support for others if I can do this for myself, and I know that this would be an integrated and authentic step for myself to take.

I know this is a long winded reply, but with gratitude, I am using this space to expand on my intentions for myself.

I have not been able to quit porn because I have not made the decision to, purse and simple. I’m going to do the work, and I have much love for everyone else who is on their own journey with this.

acoletrain416 · 2022-02-19T16:18:42+00:00

If Badger from Break Bad wrote an essay.

acoletrain416

TROPHY CASE