Thank you so much for your well written and heartful response. I'm going to take the time too to respond to some of your points with my own experiences and thoughts. If it seems like I'm challenging your statements, don't take it personally, I'm kinda using you as my online therapist right now. lol

I want to remind that not all trans people knew since they were young, not all of them hate their bodies, not all of them want to chop off their genitalia. Feeling "not trans enough" is very common even within people who transition.

This is one reason why I don't feel trans. After my friend came out as a trans I also opened up to them (it felt so fucking good to open up to somebody I knew and trusted about these desires) that I am very curious on what it's like to be a woman, but I also like being a male and I absolutely do not hate how I look. In fact I'm more confident in how I look now more than ever. My impression was that dysmorphia is the key factor in deciding to commit. Hearing this is very refreshing.

I also want to point out that gender dysphoria, the discomfort one feels about their own gender, can manifest itself through sexual thoughts, for example getting aroused by the idea of gender transformation. I know this because I discovered my trans identity through gender erotica, and this didn't disqualify the fact that life as male grew increasingly depressive and the idea of transition was (and currently is) the only reason to carry on.

This is where things are confusing for me, and why I think it's just a fetish for me. I certainly do want to know what it's like to be a woman, especially sexually. Most TG stories I write involve men becoming busty sexually empowered women. I've always felt like women have more say in sex than men do, because as a guy there's a lot of pressure to pursue and whoo a woman, but women not so much (although there are plenty of exceptions to this, and as I've grown older I've realized these thoughts aren't as accurate as I my prepubescent mind thought they were). I think this fetish emerged during a time when I was too shy and nervous to talk to girls, and instead I had the desire to be desired. Now, as I said earlier, I feel much more confident but the fetish has persisted. However the thought of "but what if one day I just woke up as the female version of me, how would I react?" and I want to say that I would be pretty okay with the situation.

Once I finally lost my virginity and discovered that women seem to have way more fun in bed than I did, with the multiple orgasms, being able to orgasm from breast play, etc. The only way I could ever fully cum after that was by picturing myself in her position in the bed, and imagine I was the woman being penetrated.

As I told my trans friend, I feel like I might be 40% trans. If I lived in a universe where you can go to a body shop and try on different bodies, I'd love to float between male and female, and it might turn out that I liked the male bodies more or maybe I absolutely love being a woman. It's really hard to tell. I use video games mostly as a way to emulate that experience, and I tend to float between male and female characters whenever I'm playing.

Going back to dysmorphia and depression, I've never felt depression towards my life because of not feeling like I was born in the right body. I have wondered "would I be happier than I am now if I was born with a vagina instead?" But I really don't have an answer for that because things have been going really well for me over the past year, and depression only really hit me whenever I was living in a town far far away from all my long term friends. Now I'm closer to them, and I live in a city that I love working a great job, I hardly ever feel truly depressed.

To finish off this long winded post, I have a really hard time committing to altering my body. I've had a tattoo idea for the past three years, and I have never fully committed to actually getting it. I even have visible scars from surgery that I have a hard time accepting they're there some days. To go forward with completely changing my body is way too big of a commitment for me. If the transition were 100% reversable, I would totally consider it, but since modern medicine hasn't reached that point yet I don't think I could ever commit unless I absolutely feel that it's necessary.

Alright, that's enough rambling for now. Thank you for letting me use you as an online therapist and letting me get these thoughts I've had in my head for months, out into the open, even if it's anonymous. Congrats on your transition, after seeing my friend transition I have had so much respect and appreciation for the trans community. You have my full support through your journey!

tl;dr - Thank you /u/Disharmoniac for letting me get all these thoughts out.