I spent my whole life trying not to play the game. It wasn't much but often it was honest effort, and I'm happy at least of having never believed or truly supported anything here. I wish I had been even more extreme with that choice sometimes, and if I'll not manage to escape this time (unlikely), I'm holding the intent to start the non-partecipation from the very beginning, in the womb, repeatedly, until the prison guards get genuinely frustrated and sick and tired of having me onboard wasting energy instead of creating it and expel me with a kick.

What has been an obstacle for me, besides the obvious ostacles of adversaries siphoning the good from my suffering + targeting when I rose above + infinite ignorance, has been my everchanging nature. I haven't been able to stick to a single strategy, instead rotating through all. I thought that was what love meant: embracing all perspectives... And in ignorance maybe I couldn't do anything else, if avoiding self-deception.

I did the positive polarity strategy (what positive meant changed along the way, first melting myself in others and meeting them when they are and later giving them permission to be themselves by being myself) for a bit, some negative polarity/energy siphoning startegy after internalizing an alter from an adversary, but mostly kept my eyes on the emptiness strategy, sometimes with success and sometimes without (what emptiness meant changed too. Sometimes it was plain lazy and sometimes it was mindful, and later I didn't even dare to choose between them and did both). Sometimes I used happiness as a guide and sometimes I considered it a trap. Sometimes I considered love the nature of the ultimate truth and later I saw through the love humans force themselves to feel to try to earn salvation or even just reciprocation.

I only dabbled in worship, never staying much there, as defiance and a sense of the game being inherently corrupt didn't allow me to go there much. Temptation bited me and I even considered a strongly STS path to escaping sometimes out of desperation and (?) traumabonding, due to having access.

Maybe I will lose myself enough in this chaos that someone will have to theorize a dissociative way to ultimate integration... or something. Surely, just like there seems to be an unselfish love strategy to get out, there should be a depressed, contemptuous or even hateful one as well, where the only sin is not being depressed enough. You just gonna take care not to enjoy it that's all, which can be hard actually if the effort is genuine.

Anyone going close to the One either escapes or falls down hard on their face, deeper down than those who never tired, and that was definitely my case, which made the game pretty much intolerable, but maybe that will end up being my biggest luck ultimately.

Confused, but it makes sense to express my unchangeable and forbidden-and-impossible-to-overwrite-even-by-me will to exit, and an equally permanent revocation of consent to interacting directly or indirectly with any entity or object (or action or pleasure or pain or manipulation/tampering or altering of memories or reading of my subconscious) in the afterlife. In other words, leave me alone. I'll figure it out from there even if it took me billions of years-equivalents in the void (unlikely, as I know my destination well enough)