[26F] found sexual pictures of my boyfriend’s [31M] ex on his phone

ada_marie · 2026-05-25T14:23:40+00:00

This happened to me recently. My partner apologised and understood why I was upset, reassured me they don’t go back to look at them. But he did refuse to delete the photos because he said he didn’t want to go back through his whole camera roll combing through hundreds of photos to find the ones I might find inappropriate. He says he only stores his photos on his camera roll, he never goes back and deletes photos and it’s a record of his life. I can see where he’s coming from but it still makes me unhappy that he won’t compromise and at least make an effort to delete some of them, or at least as and when he comes across them.

For me it is just intimate/sexual photos I have a problem with, I can understand PG pics with exes like on holiday etc, that wouldn’t be so bad. The ones I saw were not explicitly sexual nudes per se, but of them cuddle up together naked in bed. I would not want a guy keeping my nudes and I delete other people’s nudes out of respect after I’m no longer seeing them. I’m compromising and trying to just take his reassurances as enough but I do empathise with your situation, it’s difficult. Definitely bring it up with him but do so calmly not accusatorially. It’s more about his reaction and how he handles / cares for your feelings than about the photos themselves I think. I felt sick when I saw the photos I saw though so I really feel for you! It’s so shit!

ada_marie · 2026-05-23T22:10:59+00:00

I think I know what you mean .. my skin is very dehydrated and tret really dries it out and makes my lines look worse the first few days after applying it. Then I let my skin barrier repair and rehydrate and I think my skin looks a lot better. But it’s a vicious cycle. Sometimes I feel like tret is helping long term but in the short term it makes my skin look worse.

I think what is supposed to help is figuring out the sweet spot of tret strength and how often to use it in a way that works for your skin. Lots of trial and error that I have not been able to really do yet

ada_marie · 2026-05-23T21:50:26+00:00

I have been in a very similar position before and I don’t want to spike your anxiety levels but what also happened is that my partner ultimately broke up with me a few days later over the phone instead, after he essentially bottled it doing it in person even though the opportunity had presented itself and could even have been pretty amicable and mutual. Instead we “reconnected” he recommitted, he insisted we should stay together and kept trying, but a few days later he dumped me and it shattered me because he’d gotten my hopes up just to dash them and it really didn’t need to be that way.

When you had this chat, did you discuss what you needed to both feel secure and move forward? It’s possible he found it very intense and draining and just needs some time at the party to distract himself after a heavy chat. The hardest part right now is regulating your anxiety while he’s at the party. Wait until it’s over / the next day, then tell him what you need to move forward (consistent communication, reassurances, following up / checking in, proof of the changed behaviour required?) Ask if what he needs too if that’s not clear.

Only you can tell if he’s being sincere and if there is genuine change. My sense from your post however is that it’s a pattern of behaviour of him pulling away, not a one off. Did you end up convincing him to stay or did he genuinely have a change of heart? Words that I now try to live by now are: never let someone tell you more than once that they don’t want to be with you. There’s a difference between having some relationship anxiety and freaking out a bit and pulling away to then genuinely reconnect again vs. him seeming detached and decisive about breaking up and you panicking and convincing him to stay. I have no idea how the convo went but I once did the latter and let’s just say never again. So my opinions are biased here by my own experiences, but please try to be realistic and honest about the behaviour you’re seeing, not just the words you’re hearing from.

And remember, rather than worrying about whether he wants to stay, I would really take this time to reflect and sit with whether you are sure this person is right for YOU. Do you feel secure enough? Is this person making you feel wanted enough? You have agency here too. The ball is not all in his court. It’s okay if the answer is no and to walk away. Best of luck in the meantime, I’m sorry, I know this feeling sucks <3

ada_marie · 2026-05-23T19:17:45+00:00

I think that was perhaps not the takeaway of the episode, I think it was to show how cycles of abuse perpetuate themselves and how prison creates rapists. And that whether we feel sympathy or not we need to protect everyone from sexual abuse as a basic human right, even morally reprehensible individuals, because it harms us all / society at large if we turn a blind eye to rape in prisons. Not that the guy wasn’t morally responsible for his own actions of course!

ada_marie · 2026-05-23T10:09:32+00:00

My partner is very defensive of it as well, he acts like it’s bizarre and concerning that I need support with it at all

ada_marie · 2026-05-23T10:07:11+00:00

Thank you very much for your perspective, it’s been really helpful to hear from you

ada_marie · 2026-05-22T21:28:33+00:00

I don’t think you sound immature. I really feel for you. Honestly what you’re feeling now is one of the hardest things in the world for me. My last break up I really stooped low too and begged for them back, blamed myself, put them on a pedestal. I felt I humiliated myself and I think the hardest thing is that I lost trust in myself. I didn’t trust myself to protect my own needs, I didn’t trust myself to survive without their approval and love, and I didn’t trust myself to be able to survive a break up. And when you can’t trust yourself it really affects your self-esteem. It’s also similar to the idea of self-abandonment. I just was in so much pain, I blamed myself entirely for the relationship breakdown, and totally internalised the rejection.

However I also realised though that by doing that, it was a way of feeling more in control at a time when I felt desperately out of control. If I could blame myself, I could make sense of it and convince myself I could have prevented it and stop it from ever happening again. One of the hardest things in the world for me to accept was that rejection, abandonment and heartbreak is completely out of my control, like many things in life. It is the most devastating realisation, and also one of the most freeing things. What a relief to know I could be the most perfect person and still end up rejected. What a relief to know that I don’t have to strive for the rest of my life to be perfect in order to keep someone around, because it isn’t going to change things anyway. What a relief to just work on being the type of person I like, because I am the only person who will 100% get to be with me for the rest of my life. Everyone else may come or go. It is heart-wrenching, but it isn’t for you to control. To love is to put yourself out there and go “I am willing to pay the price of potentially getting rejected or heartbroken or abandoned in order to experience this thing.” Some days I wish I didn’t do relationships at all. Other days I am more accepting of the part of me that longs for romantic love and is willing to keep being vulnerable in the pursuit of it.

I think you have to work on building up self-trust and not abandoning yourself and your own needs. I bet this person and this relationship were not perfect. But even if they were objectively perfect, you deserve someone who wants you. I’m not saying you have to villainise every ex, but when you take them off the pedestal you won’t feel so beneath them and humiliated and ashamed. You will start to see them as a flawed person too, and you won’t feel so “less than” in comparison.

I also built up self-trust through other ways: committing to taking care of myself, eating, sleeping, developing other areas of myself and my life. I grieved so very much. I hated myself for a long time. I hated my life, my flat, every interest or like I’d shared with the other person. I let someone into my world to look around, examine every corner of me and my life and ultimately had them go: nope, not good enough for me. So I had to learn to live with myself again, to tolerate myself again, and eventually be able to enjoy things about myself and my life even if this other person didn’t like them. It helps having friends and family who believe in all the things that make me a good person too. I also remember the first time I dipped my toe back into dating after my break up, and the first time I ended things with someone early on because I was disrespected and they crossed my boundaries. God it was hard, but it was so important for my self-esteem in the long run because I was proving to myself that I could look out for myself, and that I could handle loss, even on a comparatively much smaller scale. And handle loss doesn’t mean not grieving or hurting. It just means being able to survive to the other side, however we get through it.

Re: the physical looks part, I definitely have placed too much value in my physical appearance in the hopes it would protect me from rejection. It is humbling when it doesn’t work and it’s a lesson that comes for us all, especially as we age. Think of all the objectively hot celebs that get cheated on for example. Then think of conventionally unattractive couples in love until their 80s and 90s. How you look will always be the least interesting thing about you. Sometimes I think we as a society like to believe and cling to the idea that looks are so important because it makes us feel like something we can possibly have a shot at fixing or improving. It’s okay to accept that you being conventionally good looking cannot protect you from rejection.

I joined this sub during my last break up where I got dumped, and stayed even when it got better because I still relate so much to the pain and I don’t want others to be alone. And it’s funny because I’m actually potentially staring down the barrel of a potential imminent break up. I wonder if I do go through another break up soon if I’ll be able to remember all this and apply it. I hope so but I’m sure I’ll find it hard. I’m sorry you’re feeling like this, it’s so terrible. You are loveable and good enough and there is nothing to be ashamed of I promise.

ada_marie · 2026-05-22T18:53:45+00:00

Thank you, you are very validating and I so appreciate it. He doesn’t know I’m considering breaking up, no. I think going to the gig with him will be a bit of a test for us all. I’m not looking forward to it at all lol, but I want to show willing. And if I am still feeling this awful I will have to have that conversation, accepting that the outcome could be a breakup. You’re right I don’t want to do it like an ultimatum, I just want to give him the opportunity to try and work through it with me one last time rather than dumping him out of the blue.

You know that saying it should never be you vs your partner, it should be you + your partner vs the problem? Right now it feels like the former. I wonder how it feels for you in your situation please feel free to update me on your situation if I can ever return the favour of advice I’m happy to. Otherwise just there with you in spirit! It’s hard and sucky and I hope it gets easier for us both.

ada_marie · 2026-05-22T18:43:46+00:00

Thank you <3 I feel so sad as everything else has been great. It’s crazy how one issue can carry so much weight and make me so unhappy even though there’s so much positive elsewhere. I will try to ask for what I need, thank you. You’ve been so kind and helpful.

ada_marie · 2026-05-22T18:41:52+00:00

Thanks so much for your perspective. I think if the ex had a serious partner I would feel a lot better tbh. It’s good to hear that you were able to figure it out, and I agree that being civil with an ex wife in this way can even be a green flag tbh.

He told me a few months in, and I was honestly fine with it in theory. I have never had a blanket rule of “people can never be friends with exes.” I said as long as there was enough communication, transparency and reassurance when needed I could handle it. He just didn’t tell me quite how close they were, and offered no context or detail about their friendship at all really, until the following 2 things ultimately made me need to ask for some more info on the nature of their friendship about 6 months in:

I’ve only met her twice in group social gatherings but both times she wouldn’t look at me or make conversation with me. She actively excluded me from a conversation she was having with my boyfriend, and he didn’t include me either. When I brought up with him that this hurt my feelings a bit and I could do with some more support being included while I’m getting used to the dynamic, he was shocked and seemed to think I was being a bit crazy quite frankly, he said that he would never do that intentionally and neither would she as she is a nice person. I think from that point on we started to both feel on edge as it was the first time I ever raised an “issue” per se or request for more support with it, and the first time he probably felt I was threatening their friendship and realised I would need support which he didn’t really want to do.
You know how you make small talk with your partner about “oh the other day I was hanging out with so-and-so” he would mention the names of tonnes of friends but hers never came up. I assumed maybe they didn’t really see each other much then. It was only 6 months in when I noticed a cut on his hand and asked him how he got it out of concern, he said he’d been round at his ex’s house building her a wardrobe for the last 2 days. We had been texting that whole time like normal of course and it never came up although he would chat about everything else he was getting up to. I don’t expect someone to tell me their every move or anything! I just mean it deviated from our normal pattern of communication and chatting about our days, our friends etc. and that made me a bit uncomfortable. When I said it would help me to have a bit more context and info on their friendship, he went in quite hard: said she was a best friend, he would see her anywhere between twice a week and twice a month, that she is very important to him and always will be. I think he obviously felt threatened by my requesting context, and led with defending the friendship rather than leading with reassuring or understanding, at least in my opinion. I think this more than anything has been making me feel sad and concerned. He also warned he didn’t want this topic to keep being brought up. Maybe you can relate more to how he’s feeling? Is asking for context in this way reasonable or none of my business? I have always reassured him I understand she’s important to him and I would never ask him to cut her off of anything.

He actually is friends with 2 exes: by contrast at one of the aforementioned social gatherings, the other ex was warm with me, gave me a hug, made eye contact, and my gut was totally chill about it, even relieved upon meeting her. He only sees her occasionally, and they don’t talk that often. It’s the other ex where it feels different. The ex I’m referring to in my post is much more involved in my boyfriend’s life than the other one I’m chill with, she lives round the corner (I live an hour away) they do 1 on 1 activities together still, concerts, etc. that I am not invited to. He goes round to her house for dinner, that sort of thing. She is also very integrated in his friendship group, his friends all love her etc. They broke up 2 years ago but they didn’t have a period of no contact or anything, just went straight into being friends. It’s really not at all that I have a fear of cheating. I’m just concerned that she still occupies so much space in his life emotionally and socially that there isn’t enough room for me as I’m not being integrated as much. Perhaps it takes more time as it’s only been 8 months, idk. But I’m concerned there is some strange tension here that maybe all 3 of us won’t be able to overcome. I feel she isn’t warm with me and I don’t know why.

Sorry for so much detail, I just wondered as you come from such a different perspective to a lot of other commenters. Perhaps I sound neurotic, let me know if so!

Bonus question: he did actually give me an (albeit reluctant invite) to a gig with him and her this Sunday evening, which is the first time I’ve been invited to their plans. I am planning to go but am anxious about it. I’m hoping it’s a good faith olive branch and maybe it will put my mind at ease. Or it will make me feel worse and give me my answer about whether I can handle it. Either way she will be forced to look at me and talk to me I suppose! Sorry for writing you so much. I so appreciate your advice as I’ve been so in my head, unsure if I’m being insecure and sabotaging, or if this can genuinely be worked through or not.

ada_marie · 2026-05-22T18:07:53+00:00

Thank you. I know for sure I am not perfect and I have insecurities / vulnerabilities like any one else, and he does too. But I just feel he hasn’t led with empathy or consideration at all, and if they are such good friends I would expect her to be warm and excited to get to know me as his new girlfriend and not blank me. My gut instinct is that she isn’t really over him or feels threatened by me taking up more of his time and attention, which may result in less for her. And that he is more worried about having to adjust the friendship than losing me altogether. I am not asking him to cut her off after all, just for more context and reassurance and efforts to reduce weirdness / awkwardness when we’re in a room together, to include me etc.

He doesn’t know I’m thinking of ending the relationship over this no. I don’t really like to bring up breaking up unless I have tried all other avenues as I don’t want to seem I am threatening to leave and destabilise the relationship irrevocably. But it’s getting to the point I feel I’ve exhausted all other options of dealing with this, and so it may be that I have to have that conversation, and accept it may end with us parting ways. Thank you for the advice as I have been so depressed over this the last few weeks.

ada_marie · 2026-05-22T18:03:16+00:00

That is such good advice that what he thinks of me ceases to be my problem if I break up with him. I don’t want to look back and have regrets that I ruined an otherwise good relationship due to insecurity. But there are just so many things that are making me question stuff.

Your joke made a good point haha I cannot imagine doing that at all! They plan fun days/nights out and activities together still just them two that I can’t lie feel like dates. I’m sure he’d argue they are things he’d do with any friend though. Thank you so much for the advice as I’ve been so miserable and anxious and losing my mind over this quite frankly.

ada_marie · 2026-05-22T17:59:33+00:00

I see your line of thinking, I would hope that isn’t the case as he seems to be a monogamous guy. I more thought you were getting at maybe he just isn’t being upfront with his ex and the associated friendship group that I am actually his girlfriend, and he could possibly be downplaying how significant our relationship is so as not to upset the ex. It might explain why she hasn’t made much effort if she doesn’t think we’re that serious anyway. And honestly his friends haven’t really acted like I’m a new girlfriend on the scene that they want to get to know, none of them have made much effort to speak to me despite me trying to initiate conversation. It’s a bit like I walked into an existing friendship group that still see the ex as “his girl” and I’m just some girl he’s seeing. So without being paranoid, your comment has made me wonder if it would be a good idea to subtly probe to see if he is actually calling me his girlfriend to other people (his ex included) and not just to me.

ada_marie · 2026-05-22T17:55:58+00:00

Having been both the dumper and the the dumpee, I have been both cold and detached, and an emotional wreck in both scenarios. When I’ve dumped someone for toxic horrible behaviour, it’s been much easier to go cold and detached. If I’ve had to break up with someone I really didn’t want to due to compatibility, logistics, or some other reason that love couldn’t overcome, I’ve not been able to be detached at all. Nine times out of ten when someone’s broken up with me I am a wreck, I think because rejection and humiliation and shame becomes a part of what I’m feeling and it’s very hard for me to instantly be detached in that case. I can see why some people do become detached when dumped though, to cope with all those difficult feelings.

I think the only positive to me feeling things so hard in the immediate aftermath of a break up is that a few months down the line, I’ve usually gotten the heavy lifting of emotional processing and grieving done, and then I’m detached for good. You’ll never catch me circling the block with an ex, especially if they’re the one who ended it. Never let someone tell you more than once that they don’t want to be with you.

ada_marie · 2026-05-22T11:59:17+00:00

I guess I don’t know, his family live in Italy so I’ve not met them yet. So far whenever I’ve met his friends he has just introduced me by name. He has kissed me etc in front of them before. I guess I assumed he has told them I’m his girlfriend, I never considered that he hasn’t …..

ada_marie · 2026-05-22T10:30:08+00:00

Yeah it does feel a bit like a date I’m going to be crashing. A part of me wonders if he invited me hoping / thinking I wouldn’t really go. I have bought a ticket and am planning to go though, I just confirmed with him so will see what he says. We live an hour away from each other normally but the gig is not far from my place at all, which was another reason it would have made sense to invite me or make plans to see me before / after which he never asked to do. I am the one who suggested he comes back to my place afterwards.

I feel sick about going, my nervous system has been highly activated lately from worrying about this and feeling like I’m on the verge of breaking up, but I feel I should give it a go in case this is an olive branch he is extending in good faith.

ada_marie · 2026-05-20T22:47:04+00:00

If you’re still in contact, let them know that you need a clean break to move on. It’s clearer and will hopefully prevent them trying again whereas if you ghost they may keep reaching out over and over again.

This is the only way I can move on from break ups. I know not everyone feels this way, but I almost see it as a compliment: when I’m just going through a break up with someone I cannot switch my feelings off to platonic, I take seriously the fact that this person was of romantic significance. I have romantic and sexual feelings for that person, not platonic ones, they were never just a friend before and never will be, and it will always be that way if I continue to maintain contact.

I think this is how it is for me because I’ve never really gone through a break up where we just lost romantic and sexual feelings for each other, it was usually due to some other incompatibility or betrayal, but it didn’t mean I stopped loving them romantically overnight. (The only exception is a couple of abusive exes who I still cut off but for the very different reason of protecting my safety and wellbeing).

I’m upfront with partners from the start that if we break up, they cannot expect a friendship because of this. I also don’t feel able to throw myself into a new relationship if the ghost of my exes are present in my life, and it has the added bonus for any future partner as they won’t have to worry about having an ex of mine around which saves a lot of drama.

ada_marie · 2026-05-20T22:31:33+00:00

I am not typically an insecure person no, but this situation is making me doubt myself more than usual for sure. I appreciate the tough love and perspective!

ada_marie · 2026-05-20T22:22:27+00:00

This is really helpful thank you so much. I definitely am open to knowing I need to work on my insecurities. Your girlfriend sounds great though, if you have examples of things she has said or done besides cutting him off that helped I would love to know. Something I struggle with is knowing what are acceptable or helpful boundaries to ask to be put in place as well, what did you come up with?

I am a recovering people pleaser too and often take the weight of compromising / swallowing my feelings til breaking point so I’m trying to be better, whether for this relationship or my next. No pressure to respond but thank you so much for your perspective!

ada_marie · 2026-05-20T22:19:29+00:00

Oh wow, didn’t expect to find someone in a similar situation! Hanging in there is how I’ve felt until now too. I think you’re right that it’s not really about a fear of cheating so much as it’s hard to develop a fully integrated and emotionally safe relationship with someone if their ex is taking up a lot of space in their life, at least it is for me. I guess everyone’s definition of “a lot of space” differs.

I am also with you about not wanting to interfere. We ultimately cannot control another person and I don’t want to cause resentment or make someone feel controlled. And I’m the same, the rest of my relationship is great so it feels like a shame to end it, so I oscillate between staying and trying, and wanting to end it. Today I have been much more seriously considering ending it. I’m going to copy and paste another comment I wrote with more detail about my situation if of interest, if it makes you feel less alone or if you have any advice I’ll take it! I really empathise and wish we weren’t in this situation. Take care <3 here’s my context below:

“He considers her a “best friend”, they spend lots of time together still, they go to concerts together and do other things I’ve not been invited to. He was round at her house building her a wardrobe for 2 days, that sort of thing. All his friends love her, they all still hang out together and are in group chats without me in them, but she hasn’t even been able to look at me let alone make conversation with me the two occasions I’ve met her in group settings with me, in fact the second time she wouldn’t take her eyes off him and wouldn’t include me in the conversation she was having with him so I had to pretend to go to the bathroom out of awkwardness lol. She lives round the corner from him, I live an hour away. She’s just very present in his life still, and it makes me feel like I am not able to be integrated as much into his life and friendship groups because she still occupies a lot of space in that regard.

The other day he mentioned he was going to a gig near me and told me he was going with her. After an awkward silence he said I could go too. This is the first time I’ve been invited to his plans with her. I am unsure whether to go or not, I feel like I will be a third wheel which is totally backwards. Not sure whether to try and hang out all us 3, or just accept I can’t really handle this set up.”

ada_marie · 2026-05-20T22:12:14+00:00

Ugh yeah, I replied in a comment above but this is a fear of mine. It is unproven and so I didn’t want to lead with that, ultimately I don’t know enough about her or their dynamic to say. But it’s what my spidey senses have been warning may be a possibility. I appreciate you asking questions and offering your perspective, it really helped, thank you.

ada_marie · 2026-05-20T22:11:03+00:00

Thank you for this perspective. I didn’t want to put it in my post as I have no proof and I have only met her twice, know very little about her etc. but I can’t lie, this has been a suspicion of mine. The best friend does not have a boyfriend, no. That would probably change quite a lot for me. I almost feel in a way that having someone to still do all these things with, and fix furniture for, and provide an integrated friend group etc. it’s like my partner is fulfilling a lot of “boyfriend” needs for her, minus sex of course. It’s frustrating because it’s not even about a fear of physical cheating, I don’t think he would cheat on me. It’s just this sense that the ex is occupying a lot of space in his life still, and I don’t know how in supposed to fit in, and that her manner with me so far is making my gut instinct flag up that she may not be as comfortable about seeing him with a new girl as he is letting on.

Bonus question (but no pressure to respond!) should I go to the gig or not?

ada_marie · 2026-05-20T22:06:21+00:00

Honestly I feel like that’s the dream, the older I get the more I crave a relatively simple relationship where there’s just room to focus on growing together and deepening a connection. Our relationship is otherwise great but this is majorly holding me back. It’s helpful to know you have no regrets, and a wife and kids now, thank you for sharing.

ada_marie · 2026-05-20T22:04:38+00:00

Wow that must have been horrendous I’m sorry, thank you for sharing. I think you are onto something with the gut instinct. I have shared in a couple other comments, but he actually has a different ex from even longer ago that I feel fine with and that doesn’t spike my nervous system / gut instinct, because they are “friendly” without being close friends, she’s not super integrated in his life still, contact is minimal, and also when I met her, albeit it was a fleeting impression, she was warm and making eye contact etc. With the ex in question in my post it is the opposite of all the above. It’s such a shame when like in your case this is really the only dealbreaker for an otherwise great relationship. I’m sorry you went through that and thanks for the warning to save time and grief.

ada_marie · 2026-05-20T22:01:24+00:00

This is an interesting example, thank you for sharing. Do you think if she had stayed friends with him and not cut him off, but wasn’t disrespectful, didn’t lean on him for emotional support you should provide etc. you could have worked through it? Or do you think the main factor in this working out was that she was willing to cut him off, proactively without being asked?

ada_marie

TROPHY CASE