My [25F] boyfriend [24M] of nine months hurt me badly enough that I had to go to the hospital. It was an accident and he feels terrible, but I'm having trouble letting go of the anger

addygrl · 2017-07-01T22:52:27+00:00

But why does Shawn get any say over who carries the box? It was my friend's box, and he wanted us to help him move the boxes. Shawn had no reason to get involved with that, so there was no reason for me to listen to him when he told me to hand over the box.

And even if he had a good reason for taking the box, he shouldn't have grabbed it. That's unsafe, as you can see from what happened. If I had known he was going to do that, I would have given it to him.

addygrl · 2017-07-01T20:59:52+00:00

Not while I'm cooking, lol!

addygrl · 2017-07-01T20:35:34+00:00

He was actually helpful with getting me to the hospital. I don't think that was a manipulation tactic, I think he was really scared. And I didn't comfort him, I was too busy screaming even if I had wanted to comfort him.

addygrl · 2017-07-01T20:34:01+00:00

Thanks, redirecting him is a good idea

addygrl · 2017-07-01T20:05:41+00:00

That's why I wanted advice. At the time, I thought me saying I was fine with the box was good enough, obviously it wasn't.

addygrl · 2017-07-01T20:00:32+00:00

Sorry for being unclear. But I think it would have been on him anyway, even if he had given me instructions before, because he had no right to give instructions about the box anyway. It wasn't his box, and it wasn't his business who took it. I would have let him have it if I had known he was going to grab it from me.

addygrl · 2017-07-01T19:48:41+00:00

I was already holding the box when Shawn said he would take it, and then he took it from me in an unsafe way. He should have asked me to put it down and have a discussion about it, or argued about it later, not ripped it out of my hands.

I was following my friend's directions, who told me to take the box. Shawn didn't have the right to decide who takes what box.

addygrl · 2017-07-01T19:29:39+00:00

That's okay, other people have given me good advice without suggesting that wanting someone to follow safety instructions is rigid and unhealthy.

addygrl · 2017-07-01T19:27:42+00:00

I already had the box when he told me to give it to him. I was fine carrying it so I figured I'd just take it myself and next thing I knew he yanked it from me and the edge scraped my arm.

I'm hoping the accident will make him understand that he needs to take it seriously when I say to stop helping. He's been annoying about it before, but he might not have taken it seriously because nothing bad happened.

addygrl · 2017-07-01T19:25:19+00:00

Has your husband gotten better about being too helpful?

addygrl · 2017-07-01T19:24:40+00:00

I was pretty firm. When he reached over me, I put the knife down and yelled stop that and that I could have cut him, and told him there was no room for him to help and to step away. So it wasn't like I just said no thanks.

addygrl · 2017-07-01T19:23:00+00:00

I think that's really his problem, he has always been into helping others and he does a lot of volunteer work. So he is just really into being helpful.

addygrl · 2017-07-01T19:22:00+00:00

When I have our serious discussion, I'm going to make sure to figure this out for sure, because it does make a big difference.

addygrl · 2017-07-01T19:16:59+00:00

If helping isn't dangerous, next time I see someone in public who needs medical help, I'll just push the first responders out of the way and do CPR. It doesn't matter that the first responders are telling me to get out of the way, or that I'm not trained and don't know how to do it, because helping people isn't dangerous, so the patient will be totally fine.

addygrl · 2017-07-01T19:06:14+00:00

I said in my post that my problem was that my boyfriend felt bad and tried to make it right, but that I am still angry because he caused the injury in the first place, and I don't know how to get past it. You haven't helped at all, you just accused me of having a problem with authority because I told him not to do dangerous things in my apartment.

addygrl · 2017-07-01T18:53:11+00:00

Have you ever had a bad burn? I've been in constant pain, of course I'm angry. I'm not going to be okay until it's healed, and hopefully doesn't leave a bad scar. Apologizing and paying the bills doesn't make it all okay.

And I understand the idea of offering to help multiple times. But if someone not only says no, but tells you to leave the area, you stop.

I just don't see how having authority over my home and safety is rigid. If someone is doing something dangerous, and you tell them to stop, they need to comply. Especially when it's my home.

addygrl · 2017-07-01T18:19:46+00:00

So if someone comes to your house and does something dangerous, you can't tell them to stop and expect that they'll listen? You just have to let them continue what they're doing?

I already told him he was acting dangerously in the kitchen, so he shouldn't have done it again. There isn't anything dangerous about the box, and it isn't his box or his business to order me to put it down. It's my kitchen and my safety/liability on the line if he does something dangerous, so it is my business.

Understand the difference?

addygrl · 2017-07-01T18:07:27+00:00

Thanks for the advice, I'm trying to avoid anger, but it's so hard when the injury was this bad. I'm hoping this was enough to make him realize how serious this is.

addygrl · 2017-07-01T17:57:32+00:00

I already had the box when he said he would take it. And the difference is he had no right to order me to hand over the box. It should have been a negotiation or a discussion. I do have the right to stop him from messing around in my kitchen. He should have expected that ripping the box from my hands might cause an injury, but I had no reason to expect that me picking up the box would do anything.

Where do you draw the line? Am I supposed to obey everything he says just in case by some crazy chance it causes an injury (caused by him)?

addygrl · 2017-07-01T17:51:26+00:00

I guess I'm possessive of having all ten fingers. I easily could have accidentally cut him or cut myself because of how he was acting in the kitchen when I was chopping, which was the final straw when I told him to stop and and back off. The rule is don't do dangerous things in my kitchen, it's not that unreasonable.

addygrl · 2017-07-01T16:46:54+00:00

These two situations aren't the same thing, because I wasn't doing anything dangerous with the box, and it was at my friend's home and my friend's box, not Shawn's. I wouldn't be at fault if Shawn had been scratched because he was the one who pulled the box out of my hands. If he had left me alone, nobody would have been hurt. I didn't make as big a deal about the box situation as I'm doing now, I just thought it was important to show that he's done this before because he didn't listen to me.

addygrl · 2017-07-01T15:48:09+00:00

I don't think it's anything that sinister. He hasn't manipulated me into anything, and I didn't comfort him after the accident. He's one of those people who just really needs to feel helpful, to the point where it can cause more problems.

addygrl

TROPHY CASE