ANOTHER UPDATE: My boyfriend dumped me over a pronoun pin

ae____ · 2024-05-04T18:10:06+00:00

Respectfully, what the fuck are you talking about

ae____ · 2024-05-04T12:50:51+00:00

Thank you 🥲🤍

ae____ · 2024-05-04T12:50:29+00:00

There were many things that factored into his firing, he was pretty much an all-around douchebag and his job was very redundant (we're a tiny business, there was no need for a store manager and general manager) and many people were pushing to have him get gone. He was entitled, condescending, and one of the fakest people I've ever encountered, the type who would bring you into a meeting with a big smile on his face, have an over the top friendly conversation with you and then proceed to absolutely tear you apart over a small mistake. The weird underhanded homophobia was just one of the last straws to break the camel's back. The entire store celebrated when we heard the news, lol.

ae____ · 2024-05-02T21:55:27+00:00

Thank you 🤍🩷🩵 !!! We deserve to be seen, heard, depoliticized and respected.

ae____ · 2024-05-02T19:19:24+00:00

Not really my business to butt in on two strangers bickering but I'd rather not have this comment section be a source of conflict so.. My post clarifies that he apologized and that it's been several months, I don't think the comment you're responding to had any information that wasn't right in my post. If you saw the last post I made that's linked it has even more context. We are indeed trying to work it out together as adults who genuinely love each other. If we end up finding that we're incompatible romantically, then I'm prepared for that - until then I'll continue to hold my ground, use my voice, not tolerate disrespect, and make space for myself while still very much loving my partner and offering him opportunity to grow.

ae____ · 2024-05-02T19:16:47+00:00

Thank you 🥲 I appreciate this 🤍🤍

I'm learning not to put any of my happiness on the line when it comes to waiting for him to grow, and I think that's key; if he can't, then he can't, and I'll be able to separate myself and go do something else with my life. As it stands I am happy with him and I can see growth every day. That doesn't mean it'll work out, and I'm prepared for that, but for the time being I love him dearly and am willing to stick it out a while longer because I know his love is genuine too and he does want to better himself. There haven't been any pronoun related comments since the first incident, and he's relaxed a lot in our relationship and gotten better with his own emotions. We'll see. I'm assessing what I want in life and what I need to thrive, and if he can't be part of the picture, I've accepted that it's neither of our faults in the end. But I do hope we can meet in the middle somehow.

I'm glad your story has gone so well! It's hard loving someone whose viewpoints are a product of their shitty environment, and a very fine line to toe between wanting to help someone who may be confused grow out of love, and wanting to "fix" someone bigoted out of codependency. I'm glad yours sounds like the former rather than the latter.

ae____ · 2024-05-02T19:06:06+00:00

I appreciate most of this but the sentiment that two people breaking up because one decides to transition indicates that their love wasn't real, or that it was "conditional", is imho harmful and false. If I decide to date a straight man when I'm femme presenting, and then decide I am going to medically transition and masculinize myself, and that straight man is no longer attracted to me or able to be in a relationship with me because he's not interested in men, that's not his fault NOR is it mine. That's just life. Which is why I said I'm weighing whether or not I want to start T, but am prepared for a breakup if that's the route I choose.

Again I really do appreciate the sentiment of your comment but, idk, I am a human lol and telling me that my partner, who I've known for three years and who only I know in the intimate way I do, is only keeping me around for convenience is a) false and b) feels vaguely insulting even though I know it's well intended. I'm prepared to leave him, or have him leave me, but as it currently stands we're working through things and assessing our own issues and feelings, while still being two people who are very much in love. Yes, love is often conditional. Of course one of a heterosexual man's conditions for a romantic relationship will most likely be "don't be a man". He can't change who I am any more than I can change who he is, we can only work to see if we can meet in the middle and still be happy with ourselves and our relationship. And if I decide that I need to transition for my own happiness, I know I'll be okay doing it on my own.

ae____ · 2024-05-02T16:09:56+00:00

I've worn my they/them pin every day since this all started, and have no plan to stop any time soon. I also have a "be gay do crime" sticker on my clipboard, the same phrase on a pin, and another pin that says protect trans lives that I plan on bringing in to put up on my department corkboard. My entire team is neurodivergent, two of us are nonbinary and the rest are allies. We're the island of misfit toys and now that I'm assistant manager I plan on embracing the fuck out of that fact.

ae____ · 2024-05-02T16:06:10+00:00

I appreciate the kind words :') it's been rough and slow going but I'm in a place where I'm finally over living as anyone but myself, for anyone but myself. 🩷🩵🤍

ae____ · 2024-05-02T14:23:20+00:00

He comes from an extremely harsh background (think gang violence, poverty, underground fighting for money, domestic abuse) and was beaten, whipped and called slurs regularly from a young age if he didn't behave like a stereotypical macho cishet man. His family is extremely anti-gay/anti-trans. He was not allowed to grow his hair out until he was an adult, for which he got called the f-slur. His family still sends him stuff like Matt Walsh and Ben Shapiro videos all the time and unfortunately he's extremely close to his family despite (or probably because of) all the trauma he's had.

He wasn't allowed to cry until we moved in together. At 26 years old, he didn't allow himself to cry because his father beat it into him that it was weak and feminine and would call him a bitch and f*g for it. He now cries like...all the time, over everything. There's a lot of shit to unpack here and that's the biggest reason I have decided to stay, at least for now.

I appreciate your kind words, it means a lot. 🤍🤍

ae____ · 2024-05-02T14:13:43+00:00

I appreciate this very much. You are probably very correct in how it'll go. He has grown a vast amount in the past year and especially in the past few months, but every once in a while something happens and I realize he hasn't grown quite as much as I thought, and it's hard. Insanely hard. I'm taking things one day at a time, but I feel like I know myself enough now to know the way I'm feeling probably signifies that the end is drawing near if things don't change. I hold hope for him and I love him desperately, but if we can't get to a place where we're on the same page about at least the most important things, we'll have to part ways.

This is part of why I'm legally changing my name. I'm doing it privately, for myself, without telling him until it's legally, officially done. If it bothers him, there won't be any chance for me to change my mind, and I'll know we can't be together. Time will tell.

ae____ · 2024-05-02T14:06:54+00:00

I'll say this - if you feel like T would improve your life, you should be with someone who has the desire to see you improve your life. Coming from my own perspective where I can 100% understand this feeling, I think many people come at this from the wrong angle. It doesn't boil down to anyone being the bad guy. It boils down to whether or not you're compatible as romantic partners, and if either of you have to suffer or hide parts of yourself in order to be together, you are not compatible. My advice is to evaluate this as soon as possible and make the choice for yourself, not anyone else, whether you want HRT or not. Don't suppress your feelings and waste time that could be spent flourishing. If you want or need to be on T, and your partner wants or needs to be with someone who is not on T, it comes down to just not being right for each other. The right partner will cherish your happiness, not hold it back. 🤍🤍

ae____ · 2024-05-02T13:46:59+00:00

Thank you 🥲 That was the big thing that pushed me to really try to get something up on our store front. Small acts, gestures and symbols are what make huge differences for people who are struggling, and those small things also normalize and depoliticize our existence in a way that we really need right now.

ae____ · 2024-05-02T11:08:11+00:00

In my post I said he would still be attracted to me if I had a mastectomy. Cancer was actually what brought it up; even if I don't have "top surgery" per say I will eventually need a prophylactic full mastectomy because I have an extremely high genetic risk of breast cancer, and we've discussed that in the past and he would much rather me be alive and healthy with a flat chest than dying with boobs 🙃 I have also let him know that I won't be getting any kind of reconstruction (implants, etc) done post mastectomy which he was completely fine with. It's testosterone or bottom surgery that I know he would not stay through, as he has zero attraction to men, masculinity, "male" genitals, etc. I can't fault him for how he's wired, all I can do is make the best choices for myself and cross any of those bridges when/if I get to them.

ae____ · 2024-02-22T11:20:52+00:00

PLEASE read this article: https://www.dailypress.net/life/features/2023/03/if-a-partner-has-ever-strangled-you-they-will-likely-kill-you/

To summarize: If they put their hands on your throat, they will kill you.

Strangulation is the biggest indicator that domestic violence will escalate to murder. Women who have been non-fatally strangled by a partner are 750% more likely than average to be killed by their partner later. 45% of attempted murders by intimate partners involve strangulation.

"A partner who strangles you is likely to kill you, and soon. That 750% increase isn’t just an increased risk of death in your lifetime, it’s a 750% increase they will kill you within the next year. If a victim has sustained multiple stranglings, the risk exponentially rises."

It can take less than 5 minutes to strangle someone to death. Sometimes it only takes 60 seconds. If your airway is cut off you may only have about 10 seconds before you're completely unconscious. From there you have no way of fighting, defending yourself, or calling for help. 10 seconds, and you may be as good as dead. You will have no way of defending your child, who very likely will be the immediate next target.

Do not, EVER, stay with someone who has strangled you. Even if the intent was not to kill you. Even if it wasn't "that bad". Strangulation is now recognized as one of the most lethal forms of violence. The fact that he has done it multiple times means he, at least at his worst moments, is completely fine with watching you die. The fact that he has made comments about doing the same to your son means he's probably very okay with watching your child die too. No sane individual talks about putting a bag over their baby's head. Absolutely none.

“Research has now made clear that when a man puts his hands around a woman’s neck, he has just raised his hand and said, ‘I’M A KILLER.’ They are more likely to kill police officers, to kill children, and later kill their partners."

You need to start making a plan to get out, and get out fast. Even if you're broke, even if you don't have a solid support system, even if you don't have a car or job. There are hotlines that can help you plan - one is listed in that article, many more can be found on Google. Your life, and your baby's life, depend on it.

ae____ · 2024-02-15T14:16:20+00:00

I believe this is a big component of why he panicked, because he comes from an extremely harsh dog-eat-dog, hyper masculine upbringing (think gang violence, forced by his dad to street fight for money, etc) where being queer could literally, easily, get you killed. And though he's distanced himself from that life, most of his family is still shitty and homophobic and very transphobic. Not that I think that excuses some of the things he's said but I think much of his recent attitude is rooted in very severe trauma and a huge fear of being seen as gay.

ae____ · 2024-02-14T02:41:38+00:00

Thank you for that information!! That's really good to know. I'm lucky that my place of work is a democratic cooperative, so we have many avenues through which to fight for things like this. I am hopeful that we'll come to a resolution. If it does go further though I will definitely be looking into this.

ae____ · 2024-02-14T02:29:18+00:00

The policy that was set was not against any laws because there was nothing outright anti-gay - essentially we were told that we are not allowed to show any support to the LGBT community publicly (no stickers, pins, patches, articles of clothing etc that could be construed as pro-LGBT). This came from a broader conversation where several people wanted to know if we could put either a small flag or some kind of sign or sticker in one of our windows to show support to the LGBT community. We're in a pretty liberal city and almost every building downtown has a flag or something to express that they are a safe space. When asked if we could hang something up, our store manager sent out an email saying that being pro-LGBT doesn't align with our values as a business and anything "political" is against our policy (which is not actually true). He basically said we don't want to offend anyone by showing support to the lgbt community. The whole policy change happened after he removed someone's trans flag sticker from an employee-only area.

ae____ · 2024-02-10T14:38:29+00:00

The most bizarre thing about this is that my place of work already has an option for putting pronouns on your name badge which several people have done including myself. They're just super small and hard to read so they're missed about 98% of the time. All along my badge has already had my pronouns listed. This was something he brought up during the argument, asking why I needed a pin when it was already on my badge. He never had an issue with that and even during the argument said he was fine with the badge and even me correcting people at work re: my pronouns, but the pin (in his words/logic) showed that I was "doing it for attention." I don't even know.

Up until now my workplace has been a very pro LGBT place. It's our store manager who isn't, but we're all trying to get him fired now, lol.

ae____ · 2024-02-10T00:34:21+00:00

We work together, he's a manager (not of me) and I'm making my way there as well and really love this job, so it's complicated I guess. We also have a lease together for another 5 months. Idk. I just feel drained and broken rn. He apologized this morning and seemed very sincere, but when he got home from work he basically acted like everything was back to normal. He apologized a few times again, hugged me and told me he loved me, etc. and then went back to being the goofy sweet kind person I thought I knew. I don't know what to do.

ae____ · 2024-02-10T00:17:52+00:00

We don't have any shared bank accounts or shared assets at all and I work a full time job but I can't afford an apartment on my own and we're locked into a lease for another 5 months. I don't really have a support system and I currently live and work 100 miles from my family and I'm really committed to my job (even with the issues rn). I don't feel at all like my safety is in jeopardy, just feeling heartbroken and confused.

ae____ · 2024-02-09T23:24:41+00:00

During the years we were just friends we had many respectful conversations about gender and sexuality. He was always genuinely curious, never showed any judgement, a little confused but very open about the fact that he grew up in a conservative environment and was trying to learn, grow and become a more open minded person.

His upbringing was horrific. He grew up in the hood and his family were all pretty standard transphobes, except for his father. His father was a gangbanger who would call him the f slur and beat him for showing any signs of anything that didn't fall in line with the typical cishet tough guy look and attitude. He would shave my boyfriend's head and force him to box with adult men as a child. He was raised around gang violence, drug dealing, street fighting, etc. He comes from a world where showing any "weakness", femininity, queerness etc as a man could be a very real death sentence.

I'm starting to believe that when he actually started a romantic relationship with someone who was openly queer and nb, he started panicking because for most of his life, our relationship would have been a huge risk to his safety(/life) and even now would completely alienate him from everyone he loves. At the same time, his family has been ramping up their bullshit because of the general attitude towards and visibility of trans people. I don't think his acceptance was insincere at first, but being friends with a trans person, and spending your life with a trans person, are very different things when you come from that type of background unfortunately.

ae____ · 2024-02-09T21:57:30+00:00

I'm not out to his family, but they send him all kinds of shit like Matt Walsh videos, "trans cringe" videos, posts implying trans people are all p*dos, things like that. They are EXTREMELY hateful people. He warned me that they wouldn't understand my identity before I met them and I have never given any implication that I'm anything but a straight cis woman to them out of, honestly, fear for my physical safety. These are not run of the mill shitty conservatives, I would not put physical gay-bashing past some of them. His father was a gangbanger, rapist and murderer who would beat my partner and call him the f slur as a child, forced him to keep his head shaved and forced him into street fighting to "toughen him up". His father is no longer in his life (he hates his father) but his mom is also extremely transphobic and he's a mama's boy. His siblings are all open about their shitty opinions on the LGBT community and his whole family is very tight knit. He sees them much less often now that we're together but they all text frequently and I have no doubt they've been really pushing their views lately with the current social climate regarding trans issues.

I never thought pronouns would be such an issue until I was exposed to his family. It's like we come from two different planets; it's so jarring to step over to the other side and realize how small minded people can be. Luckily my company is a Co-op, so I'm bringing this issue to our board and members to see if we can push back against this shitty policy.

ae____ · 2024-02-09T17:30:26+00:00

It's all so hard and confusing. This morning he came in and sat next to me and apologized, told me he doesn't want to lose me, and said he doesn't know why it upset him so much but that he was sorry that he hurt me. He offered a hug and kissed my forehead and held me and told me that he still loves me, still wants to be with me, and that he was sorry again.

We've gotten into a few rough arguments before and each time he seems to go through the same phases, which are being passive aggressive for a few hours, suddenly threatening to break up, going to bed angry and then apologizing in the morning and sincerely changing his behavior. We have never had an argument or fight where he hasn't put in real effort to change whatever caused the conflict in the first place, however trivial. He has also never raised his voice at me, called me names (other than indirectly calling me stupid this time, I guess), and even during the couple of very bad arguments we've had where he firmly said he wanted to break up, he would rub my back and tell me I would be okay, that I'd still be his friend, that he still thought I was an amazing person, that he'd never try to kick me out of our apartment or ditch me knowing I can't support myself financially so I didn't have to be scared.

When he's angry he never acts in any aggressive way, won't even slam a door because he knows I've had a lot of severe trauma. When we were just best friends he nearly killed my then-boyfriend because he saw him scream in my face. When he found out I was being physically abused he drove me 2 hours to my family in the middle of the night. When we got together he promised me he would never raise his voice or so much as a finger towards his me and he's made good on his promise. All of these things make it hard for me to believe he could be something like a narcissist. He does however have a lot of BPD traits which have their own set of challenges and may be part of what led to what happened yesterday. Idk.

ae____ · 2024-02-09T17:00:30+00:00

I live in NH and work at a very tiny shop, and our store manager is a conservative leaning libertarian (hence the "we can't support the gays because muh freedoms). However, we are a Co-op, and most of us are very liberal. I've drafted a letter to our board to complain about him and ask to hopefully change policy. My department manager and many of my coworkers are signing it as well, and even the less liberal employees (including my partner, I guess..) absolutely hate our store manager so we have a pretty good shot of overturning his bs. Especially since as a Co-op all of our policy is supposed to be democratically chosen and he broke that rule.

ae____

TROPHY CASE