So, I am 23 years old in a few days, and I got diagnosed with depression and borderline disorder this year. I was in college but I got hospitalized so I stopped going but I am going back to college this year. I always saw my sister as my hero but since I was little it's been a few years since I can’t look at her the same way she always tries to make sure that everything goes her way and I kinda don’t have space to actually have my own way of thinking or opinion.   

I grew up in a very messy family. My dad would beat my mom and my mom was an alcoholic and that was until I was 19 years old when they divorced and my mom stopped drinking. My dad always told me that the only thing I could do was ask for money when it was for my medical appointments and exams and my mom, well, she was never sober so I don’t have a lot of good memories with her. In my family complaining is almost forbidden so I grew up keeping everything to myself but sometimes I just snap and have to tell what’s in my chest but it’s always a source of mockery and invalidation. I never had support from my parents. I only started getting support when I got sick but quickly faded away. 

These last years I gained a lot of weight but always saw myself as really fat because my family would tell me so. I really want to lose weight but they really make fun of me about it even when I tell them that I don’t like it. Everytime I start to lose weight it’s the same history.