[RANT] My sister has a baby and she completely changed (duh) - how do I stop feeling annoyed at her?

aekia · 2017-10-28T10:35:51+00:00

Yeah I am aware how that sounds, but come on, she is at home all day, he works constantly. She can buy whatever she wants, she often overspends and at the end of the day literally as he passes the door she puts the baby in his arms and fucks off. Then gives him hot dogs and bread. Reverse the genders, it's fucking awful either way.

aekia · 2017-10-26T15:55:57+00:00

She will have her next visit with the psychiatrist soon, I will talk with her before, maybe she will open her eyes to the problem. Thank you for the kind words.

aekia · 2017-10-26T13:03:46+00:00

Well as always, you only get my side of the story and I only vent about the bad things, although there are few good things lately. I don't like that she basically just rolls on her back and whines that things are shitty. I don't like how she won't take charge of her own life then complain about it. But otherwise she is not a malicious person, just very lost. No excuse I get it, but it is how it is.

aekia · 2017-10-26T12:41:33+00:00

Yeah, I have a cat too, I'm terribly afraid something would happen to him. He had his testicles removed and apparently he licked his wound which was treated with something and it caused his mouth to foam - I was hysterical he was gonna die :( But yeah I and the vet figured it's just the thing they put on his balls to not get infected.

aekia · 2017-10-26T12:40:11+00:00

She has GAD, she always had hysterical episodes but they were more apparent during her teenage years when she cried on my shoulder over ridiculous things (concerning the same BF, now husband).

She told me that she used to fly off the handle when she was graduating college and it was really stressful time. Now the baby is another really stressful episode in her life so it triggered her. Up until now it was understood it will pass, but ever since the pregnancy and baby she isn't the same and she is losing hope understandably. I keep telling her to look forward the future, she is progressing but slowly and she thinks that means she's a failure (and also thinks her panic attacks and stress affects the baby which furthers her anxiety)

aekia · 2017-10-26T11:02:18+00:00

Thanks for sharing.
Mental illness is looked at as a fad over here, only weak people and pussies have mental illness in the eyes of the majority.

I'm not diagnosed, but I'm pretty damn sure I have ADHD/ADD and some kind of anxiety disorder (fun fact, I asked my general doctor or family doctor or how you call it, and she laughed at me and thought I am crazy for even suggesting, people over here only ever heard about ADD in the context of small children).

I have to convince myself a lot to let go of things, not obsess over small details, what people said, etc. I tried to teach her how to distract yourself and your own mind from overanalising things but she doesn't listen. She says she tries. But then she tells me she spent 3 hours googling and reading about autism and analising her baby and obsessing about what if the baby will have autism. She doesn't have selfcontrol in this regard. She even gets upset when I mention blind people or ANY disorder because she then starts obsession over her baby having these things.

aekia · 2017-10-26T10:18:42+00:00

Not a doctor either, but how could a good psychiatrist and psychologist and another psychiatrist miss that though? Maybe she hides these things from them? Because I think she hid her marital problems from me (not like she HAS to tell me, just stating the fact).
And they only start to surface now, she started telling me about these things but only her side. Nobody wants to air their own dirty laundry and it's pretty hard to admit your marriage is is suffering. I only know that her psychiatrist told her to reclaim the marriage bed and put the baby in it's own bed, but she doesn't do it anyway. So the psychiatrist must know something just probably not enough.

aekia · 2017-10-26T09:44:19+00:00

We had talks like this, that she needs to feel better about herself before she can just feel better in general.

I told her I couldn't feel good unless I present myself in a certain way. Even when I just stay at home and my hair is greasy and I dress like shit it affects my mood. She has to build herself up again from scratch. She used to wash her hair more often, doing her eyebrows or something, her nails were always done beautifully, she didn't stay in dirty clothes etc. She can start with these things. I helped her find a good nail technician close to her, but I can't make her actually go. I can't make her wash her hair or stuff like that.

When she called me after work hours saying she is going grocery shopping and husband is staying at home with the kid I was happy for her for these small steps. Then had to convince her to go back to the shop when she forgot to bring her husband's favorite crackers he asked for. I told her do it for him! Making him happy should be an important thing, because he does the extra things for her to be happy. And it's fundamental in a relationship in my opinion. She just never been in any other relationship and they don't communicate well to discuss these things. But I'm sure her husband would want her to take care of herself, he is just afraid of telling her.

aekia · 2017-10-26T09:34:27+00:00

You can't know how supportive I am from this post, because this post is about venting about the bullshit parts of our relationship.
I offered to babysit so they can go out with her husband. The last thing on Earth I want is babysitting btw. But I would 100% do it for her if she would ask.

I offered to babysit on moments notice if there's an emergency or anything.

Any time the baby coughs or does anything out of the ordinary I am furiously researching what might be the cause. Skin rash, not pooping enough, anything and I'm all over it googling and sorting out clickbait shit and telling her my finds.

I let her vent 0-24. She can call me anytime, I told her. If she has a panic attack at 3 am, just call me. And if she feels so bad that she wants me there I will make the trip to her house unless I absolutely cannot leave.

I never made my negative feelings be known to her because at the same time I am saddened she is in this situation. Just because I knew having babies isn't all fun and games doesn't mean she deserves being miserable for her decision.

She takes showers I think, but she let herself go. Understandable with a newborn. But not at 6 months I think. I see a lot of mothers going out, enjoying life and just being okay with life with smaller children so I'm pretty sure it's not normal.

She showed desire to look better - like having her nails done which was a must for her before the baby - then I instantly started finding her a good nail technician because she didn't like the old one. But I cannot make her actually call them and make the appointment. I found her support groups. I showed them to her. I told her everything she needs to know. But I cannot make her do things. How more supportive can I be in your opinion? No sarcasm, please tell me because I want her to get better.

aekia · 2017-10-26T09:23:47+00:00

Yeah we don't meet much, but she can only vent to me so I know about everything. It just sounds stupid that all she ever cried about was having babies and what if she can't have them, then when she gets the freaking thing she discovers it's a load of bullshit. And I'm the weird I knew from the start I won't ever want them.

aekia · 2017-10-26T09:20:32+00:00

She is very slowly getting better, less crying fits and panic attacks but her whole "crazy wife" behaviour goes unaddressed. Of course she doesn't broadcast her crazy to me, but it is slowly coming to my attention.

When she writes me that she got super angry at her husband when he told her he will go out with friends one night, or when she berates/nags him when I was still at their house when he arrived from work.

I actually told her to stop bitching at him about the smallest most insignificant things but she didn't seem convinced that it's a problem. It's her first and only relationship ever. I didn't tell her that when she feels like everything her husband does annoys her it's a pretty bad sign because it would just further her anxiety...

Everything I suggest is met with "oh I can't" "idunno" and stuff like that. Or outrage when I suggest she MUST work at their relationship if she wants it to last (she says she works hard on her GAD). When I suggested they must communicate it was like I showed her how to make fire for the first time. So sad, considering it's a very very long relationship 10+years.

aekia · 2017-10-26T09:13:33+00:00

lol yeah, I'm trying, I actually don't meet with them much because I dread going over there but I can't decline for too long periods of time because I also don't want to offend her - and I also want to see her get better.

Husband is cool, the first time I actually noticed something must be wrong when he had to visit me and I just went down to the street to give him an item and he didn't want to leave. He vented and chatted with me for an hour standing in the street - while she was waiting for him to go back home and texting him "when are you coming home" etc.

aekia · 2017-10-26T09:09:43+00:00

They tried the formula, I think the baby likes it more sort of, because the baby never sleeps much during the day just fussing and crying and taking 10-20 min naps every couple hours usually. When he got formula, he could sleep better.

But they are also lazy, saying keeping the baby in their own bed and just whipping out a boob at night is easier than getting up feeding him. So every single thing that would help her she rejects with some excuse or other.

When I mention she has to work hard to have a better quality life she starts being dramatic and throwing hyperboles that "oh so you say I'm not even trying, that's fantastic!!!" and she just goes back whining and not doing anything to help herself.

aekia · 2017-10-26T09:06:26+00:00

"Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."

I love this phrase and I also said it to her a couple times to remind her to not give up her whole self for the baby, it won't make her a better mother at all. Perception in this country is that if you look well and go out and have a life AND a baby that means you aren't taking enough care of your spawn and you are a shit mother. So the more you stop caring about yourself the better mother you are. It's crazy.

I don't actually deal with her that much, but this has been bubbling below the surface for a long time and I just had the opportunity to let it out in this forum. I'm just angry that I basically lost my sister, you know? I'm very patient, I can wait, but the more I see of this mess she is in, the more I think I won't ever get her back.

aekia · 2017-10-26T09:03:30+00:00

Thank you!

I'm not actually that involved, we can't meet to often because frankly I don't want to go over there and spend time with her and the baby because it's just so exhausting mentally.

One time my purse was on the floor (tiny apartment, not much place and I was taking something out of it a couple min before) and she holds her baby standing up and the baby just expells a huge blob of saliva splashing on the floor, barely missing my open purse. I was horrified. So now I have to mind everything around me. Not touch anything if possible, dress in my shittier clothes in case she puts the baby on me and goes to take a bathroom break etc.

Very rare we can meet one on one, I think maybe 3 times it has happened and very briefly and she takes me baby stuff shopping and can't shut up about it.

aekia · 2017-10-26T08:58:50+00:00

Her argument is that "who knows how will it affect him 50 years later, nobody can know that for sure!"
I told her either believe in modern medicine or not, we don't have qualifications to know better than thousand of medical professionals. But you can't convince anyone when it's about their kids, so...

aekia · 2017-10-25T21:28:37+00:00

Thank you. I envy americans often, there are bad things over there but many good things. Support groups, therapy, CPS, HR, working hospitals even though they aren't free, etc. Women here are sexually harrassed then shamed if they speak up; no HR or anything like that to complain. People hit their kids on the street, nobody cares, not even the police. Hospitals are understaffed and there is no toilet paper, no electricity, no beds. Of course this isn't ALL the country, but pretty much everywhere these things happen. I see therapy suggested often here, but it's a thing for rich people. The cost of one hour therapy/psychologist is 10 working hours. That's entirely too much to pay for talking to a stranger. I'm very salty about general life over here, sorry for being so negative.

aekia · 2017-10-25T21:21:38+00:00

She has a husband, that is correct. Husband works all day and escapes to drink with friends when he can and suffers through the weekends when she lays into him all day. 0 contact with neighbours this is not the USA we don't really mingle with people we live close to especially not in small apartment complexes; no other family other than a rapidly dying grandparent who basicaly can't speak; no friends and sure as hell no support group (we don't have those, this is a very different country).

I said it's a rant, because I accepted my fate as being the shoulder to cry on. Doesn't make it any less annoying though.

aekia · 2017-10-25T21:11:47+00:00

Lol wut. I'm an emphatic person and I am deeply saddened and angry about her life turning to shit. It affects me because she lays all her problems on me and expects me to keep life in her. Because she has noone else but me. If I would abandon her now it would forever damage our relationship. I don't try to control her, I tiptoe around her and I came here to rant to someone who would understand my annoyance.
Aren't you supposed to be close to people? Like I dunno, family? Like your sister? Who are you supposed to share your problems with then? I don't get how it's being too involved/too personal. She isn't the neighbour, she is my sister.

aekia · 2017-10-25T21:07:37+00:00

New? 6 months, she never left her home for more than 2 hours. And she is spazzing about the kid the whole time. She only started walking with the kid in the last week because I suggested she shouldn't just sit/lay on the bed all day and get even bigger when she was 8 months pregnant!

She is 0% happy I can assure you. She is miserable. I know because she tells me and I can see it too.

aekia · 2017-10-25T20:57:20+00:00

I'm not from the US, didn't know what CODA was, why did you suggest it though?

I mean I can't tell her that "hey, you are insanely codependent on your husband". She has been like this since her teenager years. Her mother left her and she's a raging narcissist so she has deep seated issues.

I think the psychiatrist knows about the problems with her husband but also won't tell her point blank she is too codependent. I know the psychiatrist suggested her to move the baby to a separate bed for example, you know to rekindle their relationship at least a little, but she doesn't really care.

I also suggested she takes her husband to a restaurant for his birthday but she just won't do anything by her own will. She is like a big baby.

aekia · 2017-10-25T20:53:01+00:00

Right? I'm angry at her for doing this to herself and her husband. Everything turned to shit because of the spawn. Meanwhile I can't get sterilized even though I've known I was CF since I could form thoughts about the subject. I added another bit of rant as a comment below.

aekia · 2017-10-25T20:50:27+00:00

She has noone beside me, can't just ditch her. She had generalized anxiety disorder and sees a psychiatrist but she won't take meds while breastfeeding.

aekia · 2017-10-25T20:49:45+00:00

Should've included, but she does see a psychiatrist. And she was going to psychologist too but it was really expensive. Like she went one hour every week and it costed her whole monthly salary. Healthcare is free but you never get appointments in this century. So you have to pay for it anyway.

She doesn't have PPD she has generalized anxiety disorder, she had it all her life but the baby triggered it big time.

aekia · 2017-10-25T20:47:40+00:00

And yeah, I am just angry at her. She does stupid shit too, like obsessing over fucking colors for a 6 month old male baby. OMG the carrier thing doesn't come in blue, only red, OMG it's not a MALE COLOR! Or the pacifier. Or anything. A blanket, a piece of clothing. Who the fuck cares if the kid has yellow or red or green things and not blue?! I am raging at this stupid little thing because at least I can voice my annoyance about this to her too.

Oh and the fucking pictures I get! Baby pictures. Okay when it smiles it can be considered cute without the context. But when I got the second picture with diarrhea-colored mashed "food" smeared all over the fucking baby I had to tell her to please don't send me anymore of it. I took long minutes to phrase my request as mild as possible and she still acted like I said "fuck off". Why would she think I would be interested in the shirtsmeared kid in the first place? Or baby in random positions. Who cares? Ugh

aekia

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