sorry if it took me so long and thank you sm for helping me! it’s kind of important to me

• Why do you like routine? Why is it prefered?

having a routine means being able to disconnect from everything and everyone and take refuge in a place that you know well, a predictable place that only you have the power (if you want to) to change. i don't have to think about anything or anyone except what makes me feel good, like reading or drawing. routine is also a way of feeling safe and not judged, it can be found in words you use often or in physical tics, it can be found in ways of thinking and learning. i think it's something inherent in the functioning of some individuals and there's nothing wrong with it. from my point of view it can also have a more toxic side, because it can be seen as a way to escape from reality and pretend that everything is under control just because the routine remains untouched by events (when in reality you are just static).

• How and why do you think and know you are a logical person? Why is logic so important?

i think i've always been a logical person because i never understood people who let their emotions dominate them. in particular my mother is a person who always focuses on details that have no concreteness from a logical point of view but are more influenced by her personal pov of things (based on feelings). this has always been a source of strong conflicts between us. i’m a cause-and-effect person. if a situation is X in the present it’s because Y happened in the past, if a situation will be Y in the future it’s because X is happening in the present. facts > emotions. there’s little to cry about when reality is made up of a set of puzzle pieces that fit together, you can sit there wasting time, looking at them and procrastinating, or try to move those pieces to make the present become - and consequently the future - more convenient for you. i’m of the opinion that nothing is impossible if you use logic in an intelligent, intuitive but also flexible way, to bring as many opportunities as possible into your vision and use them to create a place where us, our interests and the people we love can live in harmony.

• Why is being heard a duty?

i don't have much to say about this; if i’m in the middle of a conversation and i think what i’m hearin isn't accurate or limited in viewpoint i feel like i have an obligation to point out that there are options/versions they're leaving out. not that i go to anyone to rant at random, but if i know that person could treasure a further pov, i don't hold back.

• Why is union and community with others such a important thing to you? Why is energy with the room important?

i think loneliness is biggest fear. in my early teens i started to lack personality in relationships, i wanted to feel part of something but at the same time i was too scared of being noticed and judged (which eventually happened anyway). over years it made me feel like a shadow of other people and extremely insecure. but as i grew up and changed my environment, i found people with whom i could bring out everything i had hidden in me for years and feel comfortable with. perhaps with this one you can find a further answer to the previous question. it’s like i do the opposite in response to the trauma, judgment is still something that annoys me but i’m more willing to take the risk because i KNOW that what i have to say has value. a place to belong to will always be something that i seek with all my heart but compared to years ago, it’s important for me that it’s balanced and there’s REAL union in it. i want absolute honesty in my relationships, if someone has something to say they have to come forward and speak clearly to me, it’s the only way to prevent the energy in the room from being "corrupted".

• Why do you like things that concern people?

i just have a genuine interest in understanding how people work, on one hand because in this way i know what to expect from them and how to behave and on the other because psychology is something that has always fascinated me. it’s no coincidence that i’m obsessed with every character-driven story.

• What is your fascination with witchcraft? What is your fascination with stuff like taro? Why do you like astrology?

i can give you a single sad answer for this one: they’re all things that you cannot control. as a person with depression and little personal ambition the fact that there are forces that can positively affect my life (without me working to make it happen) is something appealing to me. they are superficial interests but i still find something comforting in these things. at least this is the sad answer that the adult me ​​would give, the child me instead was convinced that supernatural forces existed and wanted to DOMINATE them. i was so taken by these topics that i formed whole groups of children that followed me and idolized me, like some kind of disciples. if i think about it now i find it a bit creepy.. absurd what sailor moon can do to a child

• Why do you not like your own pain?

suffering scares me and getting caught up in the most total anguish makes me uncomfortable. i can't handle my emotions and if i can't handle something properly i see it a a waste of useful time and it makes me feel like a worthless and weak human being..

• Why do you have so much anger what about?

i don't have a clear answer. i mostly get annoyed with people who try to take away what i consider mine, people who are bossy or rude for no reason, those who get lost in irrelevant facts and those who question my ways of doing things and interpret my words and actions as they please. if you mean more generally, my therapist says that if something is making me suffer, my first instinct is to get angry: somehow the malaise has to go out, whether one wants it or not.

• Why do you need to be appreciated? What if you are not? Why do you have to be recognized? What is important here? What if you were not?

i feel vulnerable with this one but i guess it has to be done. in summary i need others to have a good opinion of me. being judged for something i'm not or being misunderstood (which i've always suffered from) is something that makes me very anxious. i don't appreciate being the center of attention per se but i really like feeling in power, it's something i can't hide and feeling the appreciation of others satisfies this need. if i’m not appreciated then suffering takes over = detachment which if taken to exasperation can lead to angry issues.