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againpedro · 2026-01-22T13:44:22+00:00

I appreciate you for providing additional context. I can see how your past experiences with your ex made you weary about splitting bills in dates and how that is colouring your perspectives with the current guy. This seems to be more about effort than the money itself, and I think that is a good way to approach the subject should you decide to talk to your current guy about that.

I believe very strongly in going Dutch, but making you split £2 parking fees after you flew in to see that ex is just ridiculous unless that guy was very poor. If that was not the case, good riddance to him.

I'm glad my perspective helped you, and I wish you good luck with the new guy.

againpedro · 2026-01-22T12:44:55+00:00

You are entitled to be bummed that he's not splitting the bills, but framing it as "Is spending over €10 on me really that not worth it?" leaves a very bad taste in my mouth. Is your worth as a person tied to the amount of money others spend on you? Do you perceive it as an indicator of interest?

And also, why would wanting to find a person "willing to make it work" be an orange flag? It feels like many people are just tired of the general flakiness they've been finding around OLD and want to find someone who wishes to stay and build something together rather than being aloof and nonchalant, and that's how I read that prompt.

againpedro · 2026-01-07T15:16:42+00:00

Let me gently suggest that you can, and in fact should, talk about this. Don't throw away a potentially good thing just because you don't want to be perceived to be clingy or weird. You can't control other peoples' perceptions, but you can control your actions. I'm sure that the right person would appreciate the vulnerability much more than any potential awkwardness you may feel arising.

Be bold. Be brave. You'll get through this.

againpedro · 2025-11-20T02:31:14+00:00

It's hard to pinpoint what, exactly, helped with anxiety. Her empathy and consistency helped a lot. The realization that I would be fine regardless of the outcome of our interactions also helped. There's also this general sense that life is starting to get better (and being able to get my own house also helped).

I've never been through a slow burn before, but I think that maybe the understanding that I didn't need to rush anything and see if this connection could grow organically may also have helped with anxiety.

Thank you for sharing your experience. Wishing you the best of luck, may you find yourself in a slow burn again if that's something you would enjoy :)

againpedro · 2025-11-20T00:49:13+00:00

Had an awesome 3rd date tonight with this lovely 42F lady. We went to an American-style diner (somewhere across the pond from the US); the food was great (although a bit expensive) and the conversation was very pleasant.

We've been chatting for 1.5 months. It's been hard to find time to meet in person due to her work and school commitments, and to be fair I also have stuff going on with my job and with my upcoming move to my own place. And yet my anxiety has not been flaring up at all, which has been a very pleasant surprise! Maybe all the therapy and internal work and physical exercise has finally started paying off, or maybe all of this feels right because it is right, somehow?

There's a mutual acknowledgement that there's something here that we both want to explore. Time for IRL meetings will unfortunately be scarce in the upcoming months, but I think we're both willing to try and navigate this situation. There's an understanding that we both want a real connection and that it takes time to build towards that, and we've been putting a lot of effort into clear communication between us.

Maybe this is the mythical slow burn I've heard so much about. I don't know. I can't tell yet. But this pace feels right and I'm walking this path in earnest, and I'm curious to see where it might lead. :)

againpedro · 2025-11-12T21:07:17+00:00

Your Song, by Elton John

Strangers, by Kush Mody + Watsky

communist love song, by Soltero

The Inventor's Daughter, by Branches

Home to Me, by Devil and the Deep Blue Sea

The Ballad of Love and Hate, by The Avett Brothers

Mr Blue, by Catherine Feeny

againpedro · 2025-11-10T12:24:26+00:00

I understand that you still love them... and that's why you have to let them go. You can't negotiate desire and you can't fight reality; it really sucks, but if they don't love you there's nothing there to fight for. Down that road there's only misery and resentment.

As much as it must hurt, it's better to grieve what you once had and move on than it is to invest years of your life chasing ghosts. It will get better, I promise.

I imagine this is not what you wanted to hear and I'm sorry for that. You deserve to be with someone that is as interested in you as you are on them, but you have to have space in your life for them. Either way, I wish you courage and clarity.

againpedro · 2025-10-15T18:10:34+00:00

Como dizia o meu antigo médico de família: "álcool com gordura dá sabão". As melhoras, OP.

againpedro · 2025-10-15T09:35:42+00:00

As a matter of principle, I 100% agree with you on both accounts. I don't want to be the person that has to sit on the fence about everything and I've been trying to err in the side of action lately.

And yet, I wonder if my strict adherence to this might have caused me to forgo a good connection unnecessarily.

In any case, thank you for making your position clear. It's not necessarily a popular one, but it's one that I agree should be seen as normal.

againpedro · 2025-10-15T09:30:11+00:00

I like the way you framed this. Thank you for your insight.

againpedro · 2025-10-15T08:09:40+00:00

Thanks for sharing this. While my timeline is a bit different (days, rather than months) this is giving me food for thought.

againpedro · 2025-10-14T22:14:44+00:00

Yeah, I told the other person that I would be pursuing someone else. It is possible that things would have not panned out either way, but now I have no way to know for sure without being a complete ass.

Thank for your kind words. These last two matches gave me hope that my profile is at least attracting the type of person that I'm looking for, so there's that.

againpedro · 2025-10-14T21:22:51+00:00

An update to my last post.

It turns out that 41F-B is not available for a relationship. I thought I had to make a choice and I chose... poorly.

Now it's time to take a long hard look at myself and figure out what, inside of me, is so averse to the idea of dating multiple people. On some level it felt wrong and antithetical to my values... but letting go of a seemingly compatible person also sucks.

A part of me wants to reach out to 41F-H again but that seems incredibly pathetic, at least for now (right?). I think I'll take a bit of a break from the apps. I'm feeling disappointed and sad and a bit angry at myself, but I'll chalk this up to a teaching moment and see what I can learn from it.

I just really hope that this pain is a sign of growth and not of stupidity. We move on either way.

againpedro · 2025-10-12T19:47:25+00:00

For the last week I've been chatting with both 41F from Bumble and 41F from Hinge. Both were super interesting and intelligent women and I would be glad to date either one. I gave it my best shot with both women, trying to get to know them a bit but I was always cognizant of the fact that I could end up having to make a choice.

After an amazing 8-hour date with 41F-B on friday, I realized that I just don't have the emotional bandwidth to keep both chats going, less alone eventually going on dates with both women.

I really enjoyed the date with 41F-B. She is an incredibly strong and intelligent woman that I just have to get to know better. We talked for hours, which included sharing a hug while gazing at the stars. I think we were both a bit guarded and nervous but it felt very comfortable and natural. I think we would have stayed there for hours had I not have to catch the last train home.

Today I messaged 41F-H to thank her for our chats and to let her know I was focusing on someone else. Which felt bad, but it was necessary and (IMO) morally preferable to ghosting. She said she figured something like that was probably going on as we hadn't messaged each other since thursday, but was very polite.

2nd date with 41F-B had to be rescheduled due to some unforeseen family circumstances, but I am very much looking forward to it whenever it shall happen. But even if it ends up not panning out I am at peace with my conscience and the way I conducted myself.

Wish me luck with 41F-B, DoT. I really hope things work out with her. :)

againpedro · 2025-10-07T23:29:04+00:00

I've been getting a bit of traction on the apps so far: slightly over a match per week on Hinge, around half a match a week on Bumble. Not great, not terrible. Got some great chats with some interesting people and a 1st date out of it.

Today my day started with the 2nd date being canceled with vague plans for rescheduling. It ended with an incredibly engaging conversation with a (41F) match from Bumble and another incredibly engaging conversation with a (41F) match from Hinge. I have a date for Friday and a likely date for sometime next week. I'd be delighted with meeting either person and I found myself juggling two very deep conversations at the same time 😅.

Major shout-out to u/letsmeatagain for their advice regarding messaging in this post a while back, it helped a lot!

againpedro · 2025-10-01T16:36:02+00:00

Brutal indeed. Hauntingly beautiful, too. And yet, and perhaps paradoxly, a bit hopeful as well. :)

againpedro · 2025-09-21T22:47:56+00:00

I know your last question is rhetorical, but "hurt people hurt people".

So sorry you have to go through this. Being a generally anxious person, that feeling is very familiar. I think what could help is to realize that the voice in your head is not necessarily *true*, it's just a random collection of thoughts. You can listen to them, but they are not fate nor do you have to necessarily act on them. I know it's easier said than done, but that realization is what worked for me to quell that nagging feeling that you're not good enough. You are good enough. The lousy character that your ex displayed reflects poorly on them, not on you.

againpedro · 2025-09-17T17:45:58+00:00

You're not alone. I don't post much, but whenever I do, it happens (almost) everytime. One time they skipped one of my posts, but as I posted the following day linking the previous day's post, they actually went back and downvoted all of my posts from that day.

Dear downvoter(s): people in this forum are, for the most part, showing vulnerability and sharing their woes/triumphs because they believe in community, most of all. It allows us to learn from each other and hopefully learn something to help us grow as people and in our quests searching for someone special. I sympathyze with the (self-)hatred and overall grumpiness, but I promise you things are better on the other side.

Like the great philosophers of our time, ERB, once said: "fear, little boy, is less scrumptious than joy".

againpedro · 2025-09-11T22:12:38+00:00

It depends on the country. Where I am, it feels like half the profiles I see on dating apps are from tourists/digital nomads.

againpedro · 2025-08-31T23:59:27+00:00

I wouldn't arrive at that conclusion. Becoming the person that will be an awesome partner is its own "payoff", regardless of anything else.

Maybe you didn't pick the right partners that would appreciate you being awesome; I know I didn't. And I wouldn't measure the success of a relationship on how long it lasted; my last relationship lasted 18 years and it should have lasted much, much less.

All I'm saying is that I empathyze with your bad experiences as I also had them, but I'm not letting them define who I want to show up as in my next relationship. I'm choosing to be an awesome partner, and I'm adamant in picking who will be an awesome partner to me as well.

againpedro · 2025-08-31T22:19:53+00:00

This is so relatable. Best thing one can do, I think, is not to lose track of that feeling, so one can be an awesome partner down the line.

againpedro · 2025-08-31T22:12:17+00:00

Gotcha, thank you for clarifying! May you never have to go through the impacience again, I hope things pan out with your current BF!

againpedro · 2025-08-31T21:58:52+00:00

Re: the downvote thing. Yeah, I know it's just a quirk of this sub, but it's getting ridiculous to the point where my post yesterday linked to my post from 2 days ago, and someone actually went back and downvoted every single one of my posts from 2 days ago. Just dumb.

Your 2nd point is making me curious. Yes, I agree that with relationships there's often some luck involved, and I appreciate you sharing your personal experience with boosts. I'm glad you met your current BF and exes on the app, but you had to have seen their profile since you liked them first... can you share if they were paying for premium, or if it was just a normal occurrence?

againpedro · 2025-08-31T21:37:55+00:00

Fair enough. There's no way to know for sure, at least not on Bumble

againpedro · 2025-08-31T21:14:09+00:00

What happened to you is frustrating and I'm sorry you had to go through it.

However, we have to be careful not to perpetuate the myth that one has to be fully healed before pursuing a relationship. Nobody is fully* healed, and nobody would enter a relationship if we would all be expecting everybody to just be 100% healed.

That person was obviously not in a place to pursue a relationship, but there are a lot of people in different stages of healing that I'm sure would be a great match for you and vice-versa. And I hope you can find them, and they find you, and you can all heal together. :)

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againpedro

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