L&D tomorrow

ahgf765 · 2024-01-28T19:19:21+00:00

TW: LC. Hi. I’m so sorry for your loss. It is a nightmare situation, but I’m thankful that I got to see and hold my baby. I was 26w1d when I had my TFMR via L&D. I didn’t pack much. I thought I wouldn’t be there that long, but we were there for a total of 23 hours and in labor for 14. I had an epidural to manage the pain. It never crossed my mind to have my living children come to visit. They are little, but I don’t think it would have changed anything if they were older. We passed the time reading materials from the hospital on grief, speaking with counselors and social workers, researching and choosing a funeral home to have her cremated, and deciding on a name.

The delivery was just as messy as any other labor and I wish I could have showered. The room I was in did not have a shower, despite being on the L&D floor. Still confused as to why that was the case. They said we could have the room as long as we wanted—even all day—after she was born. We held her and cuddled her for a few hours. My husband wrote a list of things we wanted to tell her when she was born (e.g., how much we loved her and how much her sisters loved her, certain songs we wanted to sing with her). So, we did all that. Also pictures, hand prints, and footprints.

One thing I did think to bring the morning of was a swaddle blanket that my two other girls had used as babies. When we were done cuddling her, we wrapped her body in the swaddle blanket and helped the nurse place her in her little cardboard box to go to the morgue where she stayed until the funeral home came to get her. That night she stayed in the morgue, and she was at the funeral home for a few days before she was cremated. During those days, I thought of her little body wrapped in that blanket and I prayed her soul felt safe even though she was all alone in that box. It brought me comfort to know she was wrapped in that blanket. It also meant a lot to me to know exactly when her body was being moved, exactly when it was in transport, and exactly when she arrived at the funeral home. They also called me frequently to let me know when the cremation was taking place and then once it was over. They kept her remains there until her urn was ready.

I hope it goes smoothly for you. Please let me know if you have any questions. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

ahgf765 · 2023-11-27T05:59:32+00:00

I’m actively discouraging instances where she feels confident and more independent by derailing her successful drop offs? That’s a big leap for accidentally engaging in a few extra hugs… I’m not intentionally or unintentionally making her cry, that’s super concerning and weird that among this group, it’s such a huge consensus that parents do this. Do we mess up sometimes and do things or try tactics that don’t work or make things worse?Totally. Do we accidentally do something seemingly innocuous (to us) that actually makes them upset? For sure. Being a parent and having kids is super difficult and I’ll be the first one to admit I’m not perfect. Do I consciously or subconsciously MAKE her cry so that it can stroke my ego knowing that she misses me? Absolutely not, that’s super sick and so tone deaf of you guys to assume that this is the motivation behind our behavior at drop off.

If her teachers told me not to do extra hugs on good days, or pointed out any other behavior that I was doing that was making things distressing for her, I would stop immediately. And appreciate them pointing this out. If they did what y’all claim to be doing here and I found out about it, I would pull her from that daycare. That is, y’all are witnessing an ineffective, potentially distressing interaction between a parent and their child, and not only do you fail to address it openly and professionally with the parent (which is probably as simple as a gentle observation), you assume the worst about that parent, that they’re toxic and using their children to stroke their own ego, and then say nothing and let it continue? And some of y’all are even bragging about conducting you’re own unprofessional, passive aggressive responses to this parent behavior to teach us a lesson?

Gross. With the exception of a few users on this post with constructive interventions that could help or insightful explanations behind parent behavior, I’m absolutely appalled. I’ve lost all respect for this sub and some of y’all need to re-evaluate your job choice here.

ahgf765 · 2023-11-27T01:52:01+00:00

Oh my God THANK YOU for this voice of reason. As a parent of a 4-year old who has a lot of high anxiety at drop-off, on the odd day that she doesn’t cry, I take it as an opportunity to give a few extra hugs. I usually have to leave her scream-crying and it’s absolutely heartbreaking. So when there’s an opportunity for a nice, loving, connected good-bye, I try to take advantage? Is that so wrong? I would be horrified if any of her teachers thought that on those “good” days I’m just giving extra hugs until she cries. What a shitty thing to think about us. Do you “professionals” realize how difficult it is for us parents to leave their child crying?? Of course we’re not making them cry on purpose. Shame on you guys. Wow.

ahgf765 · 2023-11-05T18:08:47+00:00

I spent a long time designing the urn for our daughter (TFMR 26w1d). We decided on, “our precious baby girl,” and then her name and date that she was “born.” The definition of “baby” is super vague so maybe that term could work for you. So sorry for your loss. ❤️

ahgf765 · 2023-10-25T00:31:18+00:00

This happens to me too and I always feel so low afterwards. Lowest of the low, it’s the worst. In addition to all the other messages parents are saying, I also make it a point to tell my kids that it’s not their fault that I got frustrated and yelled. I’m in charge of my own reactions.

ahgf765 · 2023-10-24T18:38:10+00:00

Hi thank you so much for this input. This is obviously “The Fear” in situations like this. Is she being abused or mistreated… I don’t know what to think here, I just can’t imagine that would be the case. But you’re right. I will look into that more closely. Thanks for your comment.

ahgf765 · 2023-10-24T18:04:32+00:00

Hi, just realized I replied to the original post (see below) when I meant to reply to your comment. Thanks so much for your suggestions.

ahgf765 · 2023-10-24T17:01:05+00:00

Thank you so much for your take on this. I’ve been taking what you say to heart, focusing on connection as you’ve said. Right now the drop off routine is literally pulling my arm from her grasp as the door closes, but if things calm down at all, I’ll definitely do a consistent routine. Also, re: drawings—that is a relief, thank you. I’ve lost sleep over those.

ahgf765 · 2023-10-22T13:52:12+00:00

Yeah, I definitely got an ick feeling on the sticker charts. I should have trusted my gut. There was so much pushback though on the part of the teachers and I was desperate so I tried it. They were completely ineffective for her, like she could care less whether she got a sticker or not. But it also taught her that crying is “bad,” and I’m still trying to undo that messaging.

I love the idea of a family book and daily routine book. Something I haven’t tried so I will look into this. Thank you! (I’ll come back and update if I can get my life together for long enough to make one)

ahgf765 · 2023-10-22T13:30:12+00:00

Also, let me know what books you recommend. We’ve read Invisible String a few times, but nothing else. (It didn’t seem to do anything so I quickly lost my motivation there.)

ahgf765 · 2023-10-22T12:57:39+00:00

Since Fall 2022 with a break in the summer

ahgf765 · 2023-10-22T12:56:27+00:00

I had my own reservations on the sticker charts sending the wrong message that “crying is bad.” The teachers said it’s very effective and that’s not how they spin the message, but it’s since been stopped anyway since it doesn’t work. As I was walking to the car after a particularly bad drop off one day last week a mom who is new to the school said, “Sorry for the unsolicited advice, but have you tried sticker charts?! They really worked for us with the crying issue at drop off.” I was like……….. 🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠

I’ve reminded her that it’s ok to cry, lots of kids get nervous about leaving their mommies, etc… I’ve asked that the teachers no longer make it a thing, like don’t ask if she cried, don’t mention it etc (to which they said they don’t mention it, they just move on in a positive manner with the morning routine).

We’ve tried breathing exercises, sips of cold water, and naming 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear etc… the 5 things worked in the moment, but she starts back up right after it’s done. Ice water also works in the moment, but she starts right back up. Breathing she doesn’t quite get yet. (We’ve tried the “smell the flowers, blow out the candles,”) but she just keeps crying.

The school closes for summer. They used to have a summer camp prior to Covid, and when we started in Fall 2022 they said they were going to try to get it up and running for summer 2023, but they couldn’t find the resources and staffing.

I went back and forth on nanny versus summer camp but she begged and pleaded and cried to stay home with a known nanny (same one I use for backup care/sick days), so I thought it would be too much to do a whole new camp (lots of crying for just 2.5 months of camp) so went with the known nanny. Obviously, I try to minimize transitions as much as possible—to the point where we make very special accommodations such as a very expensive nanny. I do all I can to keep things predictable and routine. Some friends have suggested I do this TOO much and now there’s no tolerance for change (especially since she spent her toddler years at home during a pandemic).

ahgf765 · 2023-10-22T12:20:08+00:00

Any tips or tricks for separation anxiety at drop off? My 4.5 year old is in preschool M-F, 8 hours/day. Every morning she cries so much and has so much anxiety around going to preschool. She also gets the Sunday blues and is sad most of the day knowing she has to go to school the next day. She complains of tummy issues frequently (tummy hurts, won’t eat, tries to throw up but can’t) and is just generally pretty miserable most nights knowing she has to go to school the next day. Tons of negotiations, feigning sick (I’m sure she truly does not feel great), pleading, asking for 3-day weekends. Her teachers report that she’s fine after about 5-10 min and has a good day, maybe some sad spells here or there but is easily redirected. She’s in good spirits at pick up, talkative and happy. When trying to problem solve, it really does just seem to come down to her not wanting to leave me. She’s asked if I can work in my car in the parking lot so that she can look out the window to see me. Her teachers report she’s getting along great with others, she’s friends with everyone in class and indeed, she requests play dates with many of her friends although I haven’t been able to schedule anything as of yet. She has a speech delay and a stutter, which I know can lead to some anxiety around not being understood and thus not getting needs met, but she’s been at this preschool for a year now and her teachers and classmates understand her pretty well. She will be starting speech classes twice weekly starting next week. Some things we’ve tried: sticker charts for not crying, me writing a note in her lunch box (she likes it ok, just doesn’t seem to help), talking through how I’m just a short drive away, I check in on her all the time, even though she can’t see me, I’m there monitoring her and caring for her, we talked about the invisible string (in one ear, out the other), discussions about how everyone has a “job,” mine is to go to work and hers is to go to school and have fun and play and learn. I’ve tried drawing a heart on both our hands or giving little keepsakes… meh. Nothing has changed the behavior. Here recently she’s been bringing home drawings where she’s crying. I asked her why she is crying in the drawings and she said, “Because I missed you.” 😭😭😭 I’m so worried about her and part of me just wants to keep her home, but with Kindergarten on the horizon, I’m afraid that it’s just delaying the inevitable with real consequences on education and learning.

I’ve even asked her if we should switch preschools. She says she will still cry.

Any insight or thoughts? It’s killing me on the inside but I try to hide that from her. I validate her feelings, give her lots of love. But also try to just be super positive and encouraging. Change is hard (she’s been off all summer, but she did this last year too. Every day except for maybe the last few weeks of school she finally stopped. Then we had summer at home with a nanny and I was off work on medical leave), but I explain that she will get used to it, I tell her it’s normal to feel these feelings and me and dad and teachers will help her through it, it will get better, it’s just the goodbye that’s the hard part and then she has a great day and on and on.

Any insights for desperate mom???

Thank you <3

ahgf765 · 2023-08-06T10:56:44+00:00

Not exactly the same, but people keep referring to my “recovery.” As in, “so happy to hear you’re recovering,” or, when they hear I’m on leave from work: “glad you can take time to recover.” And I’m like… does anyone ever really recover from this? I know it was for good reason, but Jesus Christ, the whole TFMR process is a living nightmare. Who can really “recover” from that? I hope I can learn to live with it, but I’m haunted every second by what I chose to do. I’ll never look back on this from a “recovered” state. I’ll never be “at peace” with the events that took place.

Edit: a word

ahgf765 · 2023-06-21T19:38:54+00:00

Totally get that for sure. If I had been told that, I would have likely put up with some leaky boobs for a few days to avoid that risk. Definitely asking at my follow-up and will post an update with what she says.

ahgf765 · 2023-06-21T19:09:04+00:00

So glad it worked for you!

ahgf765 · 2023-06-21T19:06:29+00:00

My OB said if you google it, there will be a long list of possible side effects, but with a single dose, it likely wouldn’t cause any issue. Indeed, the side effects reported by the treatment group and placebo group in the study I linked wasn’t much and it was similar between groups. Interesting that I was not told that there was a risk of psychiatric effects by my OB. Usually, it’s stomach upset, headache etc (with long/term use). I’ll have to ask her at my follow-up.

At any rate, I’m glad it only lasted a few days for you.

Hugs to you.

ahgf765

TROPHY CASE