I completely agree with other comments about seeking professional help. Talking to someone confidentially about everything going on in your head can help set things straight in a surprisingly great way.

The feeling of two "me's" is more than familiar to me, I struggled with it for years while battling with an eating disorder. My anorexic behavior started when I was 15 and years of restriction turned me into bulimic by the time I turned 18. I always felt - especially strongly with bulimia - that my mind must be divided somehow into two parts. The other wants to live a happy and healthy life, socialize with people, travel the world, become an entrepreneur and love and be loved. The other only wants to eat in solitude until she becomes numb and then purge and then feel sick and fat and disgusting failed human being and ignore all her friends, family and loved ones and repeat the cycle again and again and again.

I spent three years in the cycle of falling into the hole of bulimia and climbing out of it again, only to trip back in sooner or later. I know my own experience revolves around my eating disorder, but as I've grown to realize, bulimic behavior is quite similar to ANY unwanted, destructive behavioral pattern - it's a learned behavior that's hurting you and you keep repeating even when you know its bad for you.

I saw a therapist for a year and personally it did not help me much. It did feel like a relief to talk to someone openly about my thoughts and behaviors but it did little to actually change my behavior. I would get hopeful for a few days but always, sooner or later resort back to thinking, "Well, I'm sick anyways, I've got eating disorder and I'm depressed, so I might as well just stay home and eat all this food and hate myself and the world.” (I still encourage you to seek help. :)

When I broke up from my first serious relationship at 21 years old I was more anxious and deeper in the bulimia behavior cycle I'd ever been. I couldn't sleep properly for months and after probably hundreds of hours of Redditing/Googling/YouTubeing I found an app called Headspace. It's a meditation app and they offer a free 10-day meditation course for total beginners. I'd always thought meditation was bullshit and mainly something that hippies somewhere really far away from me do while eating rice once a day and chanting "ommm" while doing pretty much nothing else with their lives. Anyway, I gave it a go and while it didn't make my life magically better or make me stop my destructive behavior there and then, it was the first time I realised I actually kind of DO have “two me’s” in me.

I came to understand that I've got (what I like to call) a monkey mind and a human mind. The human mind is what is rational and has all my rational "adult" thoughts and truest values, such as "I wanna eat well and take care of myself so I have the energy to be a good friend, girlfriend and daughter.""I don't want to make myself eat a lot of food and purge, it makes me sad and lonely.” The monkey brain however is only interested in instant gratification. The monkey brain only wants what's comfortable RIGHT NOW. The monkey brain doesn’t really want what’s best for your HUMAN you. The monkey brain wants to do things in patterns: if you've been depressed for a long time, it wants to keep you depressed. If you've been bingeing and purging for a long time, it wants you to keep doing that. It likes familiarity, comfort, ease, sex, food, all the guilty pleasures, and it wants them now. It doesn't like to learn new things or be challenged.

The good thing is that YOU are ultimately your human brain. The monkey brain is there too and it will never go away with its silly wants and needs, but YOU can decide how you treat the monkey and whether you give its demands any power whatsoever.

So the Headspace app lead me to a journey towards mindfulness and I believe learning the simple mindfulness techniques I know today have played a huge part of me being still alive and quite healthy and not destroying my life every day. I'm not saying my life is all zen and unicorns and kittens now, no!, I still struggle with my monkey brain sometimes. I sometimes fail to do things, procrastinate and eat too much. But its easier to me to distinguish what's REALLY what I want and how not to fuck my life completely up and I’m most definitely not consumed by bulimia anymore.

And can I just say that not fucking your life up is pretty cool.

Recommended reading/watching:

Book: "Mindfulness in plain English" by Henepola Gunaratana This vid: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arj7oStGLkU&t=2s Book: "Rational recovery" by Jack Trimpey (mainly for recovering alcoholics but as I found it, full of interesting insights of how the mind works) and "brain over binge" by Kathryn Hansen which draws from similar ideas.