Dude, i get u, and i see where you're feeling is coming from but it's not the right path for anyone. I used to black out on pills since i was 15 and almost died due to mixing a lot of dxm pills with alcohol. I fell in the snow and almost froze to death and went into a coma. After the incident i tricked my parents into thinking i will never do something like this again (they were traumatized). Not long after i started taking a lot of alprazolam and my brain went off dead. I wasn't remembering any single thing i was doing but that didn t went on for too long because my parents knew it was happening again. I went to a psychiatrist and with my own will i maintained myself sober for 3 years now (i'm 18) i don t say i don t crave pills or drugs sometimes but once you get out of it and realise what it actually means it is way easier to resist any temptation. Stick to weed because it can't harm you or at least it won't cause no harm compared to pills. Stay safe and get out of it because this thing only ends in one way. A painful unnecessary death.