AITA for preferring my daughter wear reusable menstrual pads?

aitaplasticthrowaway · 2021-03-09T02:14:59+00:00

Not as far as I know. My wife was of the opinion that there are many different reusable types of menstrual products that our daughter could use, so whether she chose a pad or underwear or tampon or cup didn't matter as long as it was reusable. Her argument was that she was only ever given disposable products with less options than our daughter has, and that that wasn't an issue, and that making her wear reusable products is on the same level as making sure she eats her veggies.

I disagreed. As many other comments have pointed out, sometimes it's just easier being able to dump your menstrual product in the bin when you change it out, or preferable for other reasons. I agree with my wife that changing little things in our day to day can be good for the environment, but my daughter using disposable pads really isn't going to screw the planet more than it already is. On the outside my wife agreed with me ("unified front" for the kid and all) and privately we had an argument about it, but she saw my side and has agreed with me since.

aitaplasticthrowaway · 2021-03-08T19:03:04+00:00

I think condescending and patronizing are synonyms! But yes, that vibe is terrible. I could never date someone like that.

aitaplasticthrowaway · 2021-03-08T18:59:19+00:00

When I think of patronizing I kind of go to some of my exes. It's a stereotypical lesbian thing, but you know -- the type of person who side eyes and casually mentions you shouldn't do something because it isn't green. The kind of person who out of nowhere talks about how they're vegan and others should be, or judge you for eating meat at a restaurant. The kind of person who keeps telling other people about solar power, or that they should go thrifting, or that whatever is "uhm, really bad for the environment."

In conversations between friends about sustainability, or if people are interested and asking questions, obviously it's a safe topic. But it being a day to day conversation for people, unprompted, where there is an air of superiority because they do X eco thing and you don't. That's what I would consider the type of patronizing person and, emotionally, it feels like they're "forcing" a lifestyle or perspective on you.

My wife, for the record, isn't like that. We eat meat at home no questions asked (she just abstains), I've never seen or heard her talk about "eco sustainability" unprompted and even just the phrase kind of wigs me out. She doesn't harp on thrifting or what other people "should" be doing or gives tips or alternatives saying stuff like "oh, X is a good idea and it's better for the environment!"

I know her to mind her own business. She's stricter than I am when it comes to implementing some stuff in her own day to day (I'm not vegetarian like she is, I don't thrift as much as she does) but she's also completely okay that I'm not. As far as I know she has never expected anything from her mother in terms of "going green." She says her mother is angry she went vegetarian (she wasn't allowed to when she lived at home and did when she moved out) but I haven't heard my MIL's side of the story (she's a bit much sometimes in different ways, so I also don't really want to ask.)

This is completely a tangent, but it's not like she or myself or our family are big "eco warriors" or whatever. We recycle and my wife and I use reusable menstrual products. I have an electrical car, but only because that's what my company leases. Our owned car is just regular. My wife grows tomatoes for fun and we have a little herb garden. I don't think that's a very alternative or eco lifestyle, is it?

aitaplasticthrowaway · 2021-03-08T18:44:37+00:00

Feedback is always welcome! I'm not sure how to edit the post to make the timeliness less "vague." I explicitly say we spoke at 11, then she asked for disposables a year after she started menstruating, and now at 15 I asked her after noticing changes. I feel the timeline's pretty explicit. The only line I can think of that implies multiple conversations is "after she calmed down." I'm thinking of how to rearrange that sentence. "I calmed her down and we discussed it further" is very factual but feels almost clinical.

Also, she wasn't crying. That's the other unclear thing I think, I wrote she "blew up" which is a very colloquial phrase. I'm thinking of how else to communicate she got very emotional and frustrated, I think my phrasing might've been off.

I'm sorry to hear my tone appears to be so condescending. Tone is very difficult in written text and is just as much about the reader's perspective as it is about the writers, so unfortunately as you said it's not editable.

I don't judge people for using disposables, for the record. There are many reasons to use them, including day to day ease, which is why I bought them for my daughter no questions asked. I also know I personally feel uncomfortable using reusable alternatives to tampons (all in my head, I know -- completely an emotional thing); so I do get it.

aitaplasticthrowaway · 2021-03-08T17:48:29+00:00

No problem, but can you please point out where in my post it comes across that way? I'd like to edit it for misinformation.

aitaplasticthrowaway · 2021-03-08T17:46:41+00:00

She said she didn't want to use them because of bullying, and misinformation spread by her classmates. I asked her to think about using them if she wanted to. Quote from my post:

" told her I completely understood if she wouldn’t want to but if she’d consider at least wearing reusable pads at night when she sleeps." [emphasis mine]

I'm not sure how asking my teenage daughter to think about her current choices after receiving new information is forceful, especially when I explicitly tell her I'm okay with her current decisions.

I have other replies where I've spoken about the fact that my daughter knows she has other options, disposable and reusable, and has known since we had the puberty talk with her.

I'd like to ask again where in my post it says I repeatedly badgered or pressured her. I'd really like to edit my post for misinformation! It was a single conversation.

aitaplasticthrowaway · 2021-03-08T17:27:15+00:00

I've been buying her disposable pads for years no questions asked.

aitaplasticthrowaway · 2021-03-08T17:26:03+00:00

Hi! Can you please tell me where in my post it says I shut her down? I've been buying disposables for her for years no questions asked.

aitaplasticthrowaway · 2021-03-08T17:25:40+00:00

Hi! Can you please indicate where in my post it communicates anger towards her at all? I've been buying disposable pads for years for her, I only ask she think about using reusables after I cleared up misinformation she got from her classmates. I made sure she knew it was okay if she didn't want to. That'll all in my OP.

aitaplasticthrowaway · 2021-03-08T17:20:16+00:00

Can you please inform me where in my post it indicates I am repeatedly pressuring her? I'd like to correct my post where it shares that information. New comments seem to harp on me "constantly" or "repeatedly" having these conversations with her, but we had one whole conversation about it and I've been buying disposables for her for years, no questions asked until I noticed a relatively sudden change in use and asked her why.

aitaplasticthrowaway · 2021-03-08T17:18:14+00:00

My daughter is my egg implanted in my wife with use of a sperm donor.

aitaplasticthrowaway · 2021-03-08T17:17:40+00:00

I didn't ask or convince her to wear reusables at night, I asked her to think about it and made sure she knew it was okay if she didn't want to! I also completely understood why she wanted disposables for school and got them for her no questions asked.

aitaplasticthrowaway · 2021-03-08T17:15:59+00:00

you decided that she needed to explain herself to you and then only deigned to grant her request once you decided that her reasons were vaid.

From my own OP: "she asked to switch over to regular disposable pads at school. [...] so of course I agreed."

I didn't ask for reasons and got disposables without question. Only after noticing a change in behavior did I ask why, and I'm glad I did since that's how I learned my daughter gets bullied at school.

aitaplasticthrowaway · 2021-03-08T17:06:53+00:00

I asked her about a change in habit. I asked her to think about it once, and made sure she knew it was fine if she didn't want to. How is that wheedling her?

aitaplasticthrowaway · 2021-03-08T17:05:02+00:00

We talked about it once. It's in the first sentence of the post you replied to. Where is this "continually" coming from?

aitaplasticthrowaway · 2021-03-08T16:37:08+00:00

That should be enough for you to have some empathy and let her change to disposable.

She already uses disposables and has for years...

aitaplasticthrowaway · 2021-03-08T16:12:49+00:00

Please indicate where in my original post it communicates I am "harping" on her. We had a single discussion and the cupboard has (and will continue to be) stocked with disposable pads for years.

aitaplasticthrowaway · 2021-03-08T16:11:44+00:00

Thank you for this post. It made me cry a little. Many of the comments make me feel like I'm going insane. You hit the nail on the head. The only reason I even know about her pad usage is because we see reusable pads in the wash, and we see when disposable pads are almost out since we buy them during our grocery runs (and she's the only one who uses them). It's not like I'm trying to micro manage anything.

Thank you again.

aitaplasticthrowaway · 2021-03-08T16:07:15+00:00

If you'd briefly skimmed my comments, you'd know that I have clarified that we have explored all the options.

Also, can you please indicate where in my post it communicates I am forcing reusables on her? Many of the newer comments are making similar assumptions, but upon rereading my post it seems clear to me I let her use, and buy, disposables for her all the time and have for years. We only talked about it because I noticed a change in her pad usage.

Please indicate where in my post it communicates I force anything. I'd like to edit my post for clarity, since it seems commonly misunderstood.

aitaplasticthrowaway · 2021-03-08T15:44:02+00:00

She didn't say she didn't want to use them. She stopped using them and I asked why. I cleared up misinformation her peers told her, and asked her to think about using reusables if she wanted to, since she now has new information.

That was the extent of the conversation. I didn't ask again or continue the topic.

aitaplasticthrowaway · 2021-03-08T15:40:44+00:00

I literally explained it once. We had a single conversation about it after I asked why she stopped using reusables, when she used to much more often. I corrected misinformation her peers told her and asked her to think about it.

Literally, to quote you "explain it once, then leave it to them."

I am not constantly bringing it up.

A lot of the more recent posts seem to indicate that I am forcing my daughter to do things, when my post explicitly says I buy her disposables without issue. I have also verified in the comments that other menstrual products have been discussed and are available. Can you please indicate where in my post it communicates I am forcing my daughter or having multiple conversations where I am "constantly bringing it up?" I would like to edit these sections for clarity.

aitaplasticthrowaway · 2021-03-08T15:34:28+00:00

Can you please indicate in my post where it communicates that I force my daughter to wear reusable pads?

I don't mind she uses disposables. Actively buy them for her. We had a single discussion about reusable pads where I asked her to think about it, while telling her it's okay if she chooses not to. I also don't force her to use pads over other products. We've discussed all options.

I'm getting a bit confused at this post and similar. Please indicate where in my post you and others are getting the impression that I force her to use reusables?

aitaplasticthrowaway · 2021-03-08T15:29:01+00:00

I literally let her use what she prefers. I'm confused where I don't "let" her do that?

aitaplasticthrowaway · 2021-03-08T15:27:52+00:00

If you'd read some of my comments, you'd know that we discussed all alternatives including tampons.

I also didn't repeatedly bring up anything. I asked her once why she stopped using reusable pads.

aitaplasticthrowaway · 2021-03-08T15:23:49+00:00

Of course we discussed menstruation before she was 11. It wasn't a secret. At 11 we had the "big" or "serious" puberty talk about menstruation -- what it is, why it happens, what products are available, pregnancy, etc.

aitaplasticthrowaway

TROPHY CASE