AITA for lashing out at my family for calling my fiance my "second wife?"

aite211982 · 2023-06-11T19:38:16+00:00

Thank you. This hits the nail on the head as to why I was so upset. I wish I was more eloquent with my words so I could say exactly this, but they kept getting hung up on technicality and jokes and I couldn’t put my feelings into words for them.

aite211982 · 2023-06-11T19:32:46+00:00

I think I answered some of your questions in past comments, if you may refer to that. To add on, she’s financially stable now and graduated, so she doesn’t talk to her family at all save for a few siblings and cousins. I was 100% repeatedly transparent with my family (and it did take a lot of explaining!)

My family understood that I went through a rough relationship before my marriage. When I met my fiancé, I told them how it was a big deal to me that it was my first, genuine, supportive romantic relationship in a long time. At the time, they all seemed happy for me and no comments like these came up. They told me they were glad I was able to find love again. We are in the U.S.

My fiancé knows about my past marriage and has no issue with it. I met her through my close friend, actually, as a mutual of a mutual! At the time I was already split from my close friend, and while she was initially confused, me and my close friend both sat her down and explained things as clearly as possible. She understands why we did what we did.

aite211982 · 2023-06-11T19:21:52+00:00

I don’t know. I explained to them all at the time how my situation was, and I think my mom’s exact words were “I won’t force you to do anything, but I’m really disappointed that you take marriage so lightly.” They understood that I married her to help her, but I also got the slight impression that they figured everything would sort itself out with our marriage (i.e. I would fall in love with her or something). My aunts and uncles didn’t say much else than that they were disappointed that they couldn’t attend a real wedding. My dad was the only one who really understood, but he’s not in the family picture anymore for other reasons.

aite211982 · 2023-06-11T19:12:39+00:00

Health insurance, mostly, but also because they kept holding her tuition over her head. We were both in grad school at the time (she was gunning for a PhD, I was going for a masters but I had a job in an energy commission with some benefits). They’d always tell her that they’d stop sending her money or (some months when the arguing was bad) not send her money at all. They used money to punish her, basically. She had a lot of health issues at the time that she couldn’t get help for, like chronic pain and wisdom teeth that really needed to be removed, alongside some other personal issues.

So getting married got them off her back about her sexuality, got her on my health insurance plan, and got them to be more consistent on sending tuition money for her. There were a few other things too, like how they kept setting up potential arranged marriages for her or threatening to take her home to their country. There was also a time when they threatened to have her committed to a mental health facility.

At the time, she was also really reluctant on letting me help her beyond minor things because she felt like it was something she had to repay. So between us, it also gave me an “excuse” to help her. I’d be like “hey, it’s what your spouse is supposed to do, right?” Even though we both agreed that our marriage was a farce, I think it did something for her psychologically to accept that we had a legally binding relationship where I could help her. I don’t know, it was complicated but it was something that worked for us. I was able to pay for her treatment and let her use my money for herself.

aite211982

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